So many people today have tweeted for what they are thankful or grateful. Family. Friends. Good fortune. Memories. Good food. It’s Thanksgiving, a national day of giving thanks for the “good” in our life.
What about giving thanks for the hard? For the struggles? For the darkness? For that which forced us to open up and peer deep within ourselves, to stare down the edge of a fearful chasm and dive in headfirst despite the fear which welled up inside us? For the adversity through which we took a deep breath and admitted it was time to grow regardless of the excruciating pain awaiting our arrival?
This is me. Giving thanks for the hard.
For not knowing how to talk to my first daughter when she was 7 days old and apologizing to her for failing as a mother.
For not wanting to even see knives when she was just a month old because of the THOUGHTS which filled my head as if they were an angry swarm of bees.
For my first OB’s subsequent failure to successfully help me with my Postpartum Depression and OCD.
For being forced to “just get over it.”
For the antenatal depression into which my postpartum depression swelled as I expected our second child.
For our second daughter’s NICU struggle.
For my struggles with pumping and using formula with her, despite the very real physical need for it due to inability to nurse because of her severe cleft palate.
For my psychiatric hospitalization because I dove headfirst into “I can’t hold on anymore” chasm.
For the psychiatric nurses who told me I didn’t have to tell anyone where I had been that weekend.
For realizing all I wanted was another Mom to tell me everything was going to be okay.
For my pregnancy after my fall from grace.
For the help I finally received, even if it was a year after my hospitalization.
Because without all of that hard? I wouldn’t have survived:
My ex-husband’s battle with addiction
My third and final pregnancy
I also wouldn’t be the person I am today – driven to help other mothers and family members. I wouldn’t know the #PPDChat community – the AMAZING, wonderful, strong, and BEAUTIFUL #PPDChat community. I can’t even begin to put into words just how much all of you mean to me. You are the most compassionate, caring, and mind-blowingly strong people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Thankful doesn’t even begin to cover it when I think of the #PPDChat world.
Through the hard, we learn. Adversity is truly the world’s greatest teacher.
I am grateful for all the adversity which has crossed my path. I know there is more to come. I’m not done yet. But I’m ready.
And for that?
I am beyond thankful.