Tag Archives: depression

so·lil·o·quy

light-bulb-517345_640Breathe. In. Out. Repeat. Breathe. Breathe.

You are bigger than this. This will pass. You have been through worse, he says. You will get through this. We will get through this, he says, holding my hand and kissing my cheek, his deep brown eyes full of love and worry, his brow furrowed.

My chest tenses. Body twitches. Legs bounce up and down involuntarily. Fingers play an invisible piano, my breath keeps tempo. Breathe slower, stupid. Breathe.

Swallowed whole by darkness. Sinking, sinking, sinking until the sunshine is a million miles away and murky mud slithers all over my body. Carried away from happy, just like that.

Breathe. Just breathe. Look up. Hold on. Breathe.

You have been here before. You have been further down before. You can do this.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to.

I can’t… shut up. Can’t isn’t in your vocabulary. You are better than this. Bigger than this. Hold on. You CAN do this.

Light. Turn on the light. Take your medicine. Take the other one too. Talk. Reach out. Distract. Breathe.

Baby steps.

Lose yourself in something that is allegedly happy. Laugh and joke even though it feels like the most antithetical thing you can possibly do at the moment. Smile. Fake it if you have to. But move forward. Climb out of the muck toward the sun. Toward the hands. Toward him. Toward HIM. Toward love. Choose. Breathe.

Bake. Create. Eat. Give in to the minuscule joy surrounding you. Let go of expectations. Walk your talk. I don’t want to. Frown. Sink. Mumble incoherently out of frustration.

Smile. Laugh. Twitch. Eat. Sink. Smile. Laugh. Twitch. Sleep.

Repeat until you are out of the muck.

“Are we there yet?” your brain asks. I’m tired, it says.

Almost, you answer. We got this, we got this. He’s got you. HE’S got you – through Him you can do ALL things. HE will carry you. Let Him.

But don’t stop doing what you are doing. Breathe. Eat. Smile. Meds. Light. Distract. Repeat.

Find the funny everywhere. Fight until the fog fades. Fight until the light is bright. Until the laughter is real. Until your twitching stops. Fight. Breathe. REPEAT.

Inhale. Exhale as the light breaks through the clouds intermittently. Smile.

You got this.

#PPDChat 10.19.15: Word Play

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Words. They are powerful. They allow us to communicate everything from the mundane to the grandiose. Sometimes, though, words are seemingly too little for situations; not enough for experiences which defy description in any language.

But words have been a form of communication for eons.

Tonight, we’re going to play with words as if we’re toddlers playing with a brand new package of blocks.

Tonight’s chat will be all about what words and phrases inspire us; about the words which keep us going when everything else has us wanting to crawl back into the dark hole from whence we came.

I hope you’ll join us for this playful and spirited chat. See you on Twitter tonight at 9pm ET!

#PPDChat 10.12.15: Gut Check with @PhilStrandwitz

Gut Check AnnouncementHey, y’all!

First, phew! It’s Friday! Another week down. I don’t know how your week went but mine was a chaotic whirlwind from the start. It’s been nice to finally have some relaxation, even if it has been for just a little bit here and there.

I know you’re used to me announcing #PPDChat stuff on Mondays but this coming Monday, we’re going to have a guest, Phil Strandwitz. Phil emailed me the last week of September with an interesting project he’s got going on.

Phil is currently crowdfunding the research he’s working on. And no, this chat isn’t to demand that you donate (although I know Phil would appreciate if you did so), it’s to discuss the research he’ll be doing.

You see, Phil’s project (which you can read more about here) explores the connection between the microbes in our gut with our mental health. It’s a relatively new field but one which is garnering a lot of interest and has already uncovered quite a bit.

According to Phil’s email:

“…we are generally searching for connections between the gut microbiome and psychology. Two of our major focuses are on depression anxiety. If we find there is a link between out gut microbes and these conditions, it would enable us to potentially develop novel microbiome-based therapeutics. This is incredibly important, as depression affects 1:5 people in the U.S., and anxiety 1:10. Incredibly, a substantial portion of people being treated with front-line drugs do not respond to treatment — suggesting we need to understand these diseases and develop new treatments.”

I have been reading some journal articles that Phil sent me and have to say that I’m absolutely fascinated by what I’ve read so far.

I truly hope you will be able to join us on Monday night at 9pm ET to discuss this topic – dig a little deeper with us into the connection between our brains and our guts!

See you there!

You can read the chat here:

#PPDChat 02.02.15: #DayofLight Chat

ppdchat-02-02-15This status update came into my feed yesterday evening via my good friend Addye. I’m thankful she shared it because it is certainly something I want to support.

The status read (emphases mine):

“Hey All! This Wednesday, February 4th is the 2nd annual ‪#‎DayOfLight‬. This is the day when I’m asking everyone to share their stories of depression on social media. So often folks suffer alone, believing that no one else understands what they’re going through.

Depression is real. It’s not something that can be wished away, and it’s not something to be ashamed about. Share your story on your blog, on your Facebook status, in a tweet, or on Instagram. Pick up the phone and check on a friend. Send an email, a text message or a DM to let someone know that you are there for them.

If you, or someone you know, has been affected by depression, please change your profile picture to black and white on that day to show solidarity to those who are going through it.”

Brandi, the founder of this movement, will be stopping by during #PPDChat this evening to talk with us a bit more about the history of the movement and how folks can participate and spread the word.

I hope you’ll join us and raise your voice with your story. We, none of us, are alone.

#PPDChat Topic 06-23-14: Kicking The Summer Blues to the Curb

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We associate winter with the blues. Everyone stays inside to stay warm.

But summer is the opposite – some of us stay inside to stay cool. Or because it’s too much trouble to tote the little ones outside because OMG WE HAVE TO PACK ALL THE SUNSCREEN and everything else in the house just to go to the pool and dear sweet lord don’t forget that we need swim diapers, formula, a nursing swimsuit (OMG – nursing at the pool…)…the list goes on and on and on and on…you get the point.

Summer blues are just like Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders. We’re supposed to be happy and carefree in the summer. Cheery. WHOOOO!! Water! Camping! No responsibilities. (Have you ever been a parent with three small children home for the summer? HAVE YOU?! I’d rather..well, anything.)

This chat will be chock full of tips and mamas chatting about how to manage the issue of parenting/adjusting to a newborn in the summer months. Summertime creates an entire extra set of issues, issues we all seem to just dance around. Well, tomorrow night, we’re gonna stomp on them and figure them out.

Join me on Twitter at 830pm ET. See you there!