Monthly Archives: August 2008

Reflections of Shame

A good friend of mine sent the following to me in an email and after reading it, I HAD to share it so I asked for her permission and it was granted, provided I remove any identifying phrases. This piece is very powerful and I sincerely hope that it speaks to some of you as much as it spoke to me.

I have the wonderful opportunity to be attending some marriage strengthening classes. As part of these classes we have started talking about shame. As we have started to do this and I have started my workbook, I realize I carry a lot of shame. So at this late hour when I can’t sleep I am coming to terms and releasing my shame.

I feel like I hide my real self and learned to do this at a young age. I hide my real self in many different ways, one of them by not expressing myself. So here goes.

I have an aunt whom I love very much and look up to a lot. In fact she is not too much older than me, and while she has some children older than mine 2 of her younger ones are about the same age as mine. Well she is very expressive and does not care what other people think. And I think people love her because of that. I know I do. I want to be more like her… anyway, onto the shame.

I feel shamed because of the fact that I suffered from Postpartum Depression. Many people have made me feel this way. I also feel shamed because of the alternative route I sought out to help me overcome it. I sought out alternative medicine because western medicine and I don’t get along very well. Some people have made me feel that I should have just been able to “snap out of, or Get over” my depression. Don’t you think I would have if I could have? I have a family member that no matter what I say or do feels that I have PPD yet again. I DON’T, I have not had issues with PPD this time. They feel though that I do because someone who had PPD said to them that once you have it you always will, and it will get worse with each child. I feel bad for this person who has suffered from PPD more than once. I also feel bad for my family member that refuses to see that I am not suffering. I think part of the reason that they feel this way is because they feel that I sought treatment from a source that was less than godly. I feel they worry about my very salvation.

I feel shamed because we are covered under state run medical plans. Most of those people who shame and judge me for this have never been a student, they never sought higher education and got married and worked in high paying jobs and some have had their wives work, and sent their children off.  I chose to stay home and raise my own children and we chose to have children before we graduated higher education. Because of this and because of the fact that NO employer will pay for medical insurance for a part time employee, we have state run medical coverage. I don’t enjoy being on state coverage and have had to suffer through some pretty horrible doctors because of it.

I have been made to feel shamed because my son has Sensory integration disorder and I sought out a diagnosis of this and I sought treatment for him. Well some people have told me that I should just let him be him and not try to fix him, and to let him grow out of it. I, on the other hand, wonder how a mother could stand by and watch their child suffer on a daily basis and do NOTHING about it. Yes I sought Occupational therapy for my son, sue me, I am the world’s worst mother.

I am currently working as a moderator of a support group for women suffering from PPD because no woman should be made to feel alone or shamed because she suffered after the birth of her child.

I also am currently seeking more help for my son as he has slipped in his progression since his release from OT. I am also doing this because other people see that he is different. In fact tonight at a party that we went to some one started talking to me about autism and the question arose if my son has been diagnosed with autism or not, because her grandson is autistic and she sees some behaviors in my son. Well this is the 4th person, three of them being professionals that have approached me without being asked for an opinon and talked to me about the possibility of my son having autism, at least in an extremely mild form. I am not seeking a diagnosis for him for any other reason than to help understand him more and help him to lead a full and productive life.

I will not stand shamed for these things anymore.

I will not stand shamed because I fought and recovered from PPD.

I will not stand shamed because I can not tolerate western medicine and thus seek holistic or alternative medicines.

I will not stand shamed because we live on help from the state, because it won’t be for forever and my husband is working and paying into the same system we are taking from.

I will not stand shamed because I am trying to find ways to help my son cope with life and live a full life for himself.

Sharing the Journey with Dan

I first stumbled across Dan’s blog (LABAIRI) quite awhile back. I left a comment and he emailed me to thank me for my kind words. We’ve kept in touch here and there, mostly I read his Twitter updates. (I Twitter too – unxpctdblessing is my username there) A few weeks ago I asked him if he would be willing to do an interview as he is a dad who has PPD experience. Dan opened up and is very honest and forward with his answers. I sincerely hope you enjoy today’s interview as much as I did when I first received his reply!

Would you share with us your insight on your wife’s journey as she struggled with PPD?

Jenna suffered PPD with all three of our children. Each time was different, PPD isn’t the same for every woman – it’s not even the same for one woman! The second bought was the worst. It was just a dark time – so dark that there are moments during that year that Jenna and I don’t even remember. We look at pictures and have no idea the circumstances. The darkness was just overwhelming. Nothing was right and everything was difficult. She suffered a lot, and I was really at a loss at how I’d be able to help her through this.
What were some of the first signs you noticed that made you think things weren’t quite right?

During the first time around, we didn’t know this was even happening – only 5 years ago, but awareness has come a LONG way since then. But looking back I guess there was a huge lack of motivation to do anything from getting out of bed in the morning to get up in the middle of the night to feed our son. It seemed odd – but we thought that this must just be sheer exhaustion from Jenna also working part-time. Plus, during those first 8 months after Liam was born, our relationship was tanking. I remember thinking if this is what marriage is like after kids that I didn’t want any more of them. (You can laugh – we have three and another on the way from Ethiopia!)

How have you grown as a man and as a father as a result of PPD?

Wow, great question. As a father, PPD grew me up really fast. As Jenna had moments where she was unable to care for the kids as she would have liked, I had no choice but to step in and make it work. I wasn’t secure in my parenting skills by any stretch of the imagination (the first diaper I ever changed was Liam’s). But I loved my family more than life, and these times forced me to step up to the responsibility.

As a man, I know I am more sensitive to expectant and new mothers. I know how hard it can be. I know the hell that it can be on the family. I advocate for fathers to step up and care for their wives as this is the “for better or for worse” part of the vows we made before God. I’ve never been a “manly-man” with the barefoot and pregnant mentality, but this time reinforced that caring for our wives as Christ loves the church is the only way to make a marriage work. There is a lot of sacrifice to be made as a husband/father, with or without PPD. I’m definitely a better person for having been through this with Jenna.

How did your faith support you through your journey?

WOW. We couldn’t have done this without our faith. Almost without a doubt, without our faith we would never have made it through that first year after Liam. Those were really dark times. The Psalms were a great comfort as we journeyed though PPD. David talks so often of going through the valley and crying out to God for help. Those passages of lament gave words to the cry of our hearts, cries that found words difficult to come by. We also couldn’t have done this without our faith community. Especially after PPD was diagnosed and we could talk about it with some clarity, people brought us meals, they stayed with us and helped out wherever they could. The support structure our faith community gave us was invaluable and at least for me reaffirmed the beauty of the local church and the potential she has to do good in this world.

What do you love about being a father?

Coming home from work and having a little person scream “DADDY!” at the top of her lungs while running to give me a bear hug! Those moments make all of the bad ones disappear in seconds.

What lessons have you learned from PPD?

Hmm. What first comes to mind is that no one is immune from pain. I think we all figure that PPD (or anything else bad) won’t happen to us. Jenna had NEVER suffered any sort of depression before PPD. There were absolutely no warning signs on this one. We never prepared ourselves for the worst. Jenna and I had no plan for PPD when it happened, no safety net or plan b. As a result, we’re going through an adoption right now, which is going very well. But in the back of my mind, I’m preparing for what might go wrong – and there is plenty to go wrong in international adoptions. It’s given me a healthy dose of preparedness that I’d never had before.

Depression isn’t just a bad thing. I know, that sounds like an insane statement to make, but let me explain. Depression allows you for a time to see life, and perhaps embrace life, as it really is – broken and in desperate need of repair. As a result of PPD, I savor even the “just OK” times in life because I know how bad it can get.

People are good. Surrounding yourself with a support network is one of the best things you can do for PPD. Do this before you experience tragedy; experience the joys of community as well.

Share with us some of the ways you were able to participate in your wife’s recovery.

1. Realize that this is something that I can’t fix. Once that was cemented into my head, I was free to just be the best husband / father I could be.

2. Take over duties/chores. Taking away the stresses – cleaning, cooking, etc. – that I could seemed to free her mind to think about the kids. Along with this, I also had the freedom to flex my hours at work. I stayed home until the kids were fed and clothed. I was home for the bedtime routine and canceled my evening appointments. This isn’t easy, but this speaks VOLUMES to your wife – you’re making her a priority.

3. I went with her to her first PPD group meeting. I wanted to show my support, even if it was just driving her to the wellness center so she didn’t feel like she’d get lost. Along with this, I made her being able to go to PPD group a priority. I rearranged my schedule, took appointments out of my schedule, etc. To make that happen.

4. I made every effort to help her start Life After Baby, the support group she started at our church – helping design web images, fliers, etc. She has since graduated from the group herself, but the group will still meet with new leadership this coming year.

Let’s face it. Parenting is not easy. What are some of your most difficult daily parenting challenges?

We now have three kids. Jenna’s pretty much recovered from her third trip through PPD (this hasn’t been the worst, just the longest – Addi is 2). Daily challenges: navigating the kids through the best friends/worst enemy phase of being siblings. They can turn on a dime, and helping them work through the worst enemy side of that coin is not easy. Finding alone time with each of the kids and making sure that each is getting a good amount of personal attention. And I guess that last challenge would be more on the marriage side of things, but making sure that Jenna and I don’t lose touch in the process of caring for the kids. It’s easy to focus everything on them and give the leftovers to each other. We’ve got to make each other a priority!

Shameless plug time. Tell us about your blog and why you started it.

My blog: labairi (or life as best as I remember it) was started basically as an outlet for me to write my thoughts on life. I’m an avid journal writer, and figured I’d put that to good use for the world to read–No grand ambitions, just a guy and his thoughts. It’s definitely evolved in the past three years as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent with what’s actually going on sharing our journey and my thoughts on PPD as well as my own bouts with depression and anxiety. Since starting the blog, it’s been amazing to see what being transparent can do. I’ve connected and helped several PPD dads and family members helping them walk through some of the worst moments. I’ve been able to read books on fatherhood sent to me by authors. And I’ve just met some incredibly cool people that encourage me to be a better person. My blog is sometimes serious, sometimes fun, but always real.

And last but not least – if you had a chance to share one piece of advice with an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be?

Embrace every moment good and bad, you can’t get them back. Choose your family above your golf game and if you can help it, your work life. You may make less money, but in the long run you’ll be investing in something that lasts for eternity.

Four Years and Two Kids Later…

Tonight we visited with family from Florida. They come up once a year and we really enjoy getting to spend time with them. Our conversation tonight sparked the idea for this post. I finally got asked if I get any time to myself. Where was this question four years ago after Alli? Granted, it may have been asked and my mommy brain may have just forgotten it and now that I’m focused on helping other families, this question may have stood out more tonight than in the past if it was asked.

My time to myself is naptime. The kids all go down for nap at the same time and I usually get a couple of hours and typically I don’t get sleepy until they’re just about ready to wake up. Figures, right? This will all change come Tuesday when Alli starts Pre-K. I am still struggling to believe I have a child starting Pre-K. I am looking forward to this and dreading it all at the same time. Looking forward to the break from having three kids all day long but dreading it because it is a disruption to routine and neither Alli nor I do well with disruptions to our routines. I know we’ll be fine after an adjustment period.

I’ve also noticed lately I’m feeling rather unattached to the girls and over-attached to Cameron. In fact, I’ve even joked with Chris that I’d love to have another baby. Not right now of course – we are struggling way too much in the financial district to even consider that a reality. Down the road maybe. Then I wonder how normal what I am feeling is – Is it normal to feel like this? I had two rough postpartum periods with the girls and this one with Cameron has been such a blissful honeymoon experience (ok, so minus the stuff Chris has put me through but hey, that’s not really related – baby stuff has been great) – has it put me into a lullaby delusion of wanting another? And what’s with the detachment from my older two? I still love them and want to be with them but there’s just something missing and I can’t quite put my finger on it. But yet I can pick up Cameron and feel this instant bond with him. Is this normal? I’ve been struggling with this for a couple of weeks now but finally figured out how to express these feelings today.

As for the time to yourself question – Just because a mom has only one baby doesn’t mean she’s got time to herself. Ask if she needs help with anything – the laundry, errands, meals, etc. Ask if she wants to talk or just wants some company. She’s not going to come right out and tell you these things. Offer to watch Baby while she gets a shower or takes a nap. New moms are struggling to navigate an entirely new world just as awkwardly as their babies  are – Moms need to be mothered too, something we in the US seem to have conveniently forgotten in this era of the Microwave Society, ie., I need it done four minutes ago! When did we get stuck on fast-forward? Slow down. Time isn’t going anywhere but forward and there will be time in the future to do the dishes and clean the house. Right now, focus on YOU. Focus on the new mom who is finding her way and developing her new routine. Be patient with her. Be kind to her. Guide her with compassion and warmth. She will be eternally grateful and you will always be kindly remembered.

Sharing the Journey with Heather

Today’s interview is with Heather, a fellow moderator at the Online PPD Support Page Forum. We hit it off quite well as our oldest children struggle with many similar symptoms due to sensory integration for her son and Alli is currently undergoing testing so we don’t have a specific diagnosis yet but I have certainly found a fellow traveler in Heather when facing difficulties with Alli. Heather has been through quite a bit in addition to her PPD experience and handled her episode without anti-depressants. Through her words I hope to illuminate the path of natural treatment that some women choose to take. Anti-depressants are not for everyone – we all travel a different path towards recovery. This is Heather’s.

Tell us a little about yourself and your experience with Postpartum Depression.

I started to have Anxiety when I was still pregnant and some IT’s as well. My IT’s though were just simple. I used to obsess about what we would do if he wasn’t born a boy. Although from the ultrasound there was no doubt it was a boy. In fact they said, that’s either a boy, or a girl with 3 legs. So I constantly obsessed about it being a 3 legged girl. I also was suffering from some PTSD from a roll-over car accident I had been in. So of course I had some worries about the baby being defected as a result of the accident since I was pregnant when it occurred. On the day he was born I had a reaction to a pain killer that they gave me in the hospital and I slept through my labor and delivery. I was completely incoherent. I have short spurts of memories. I woke up when he was 7 hours old to find my son having oxygen administered to him. I suffered from some PTSD too then from the birth.

We had to also get some testing done to rule out a genetic condition called MMA. That fortunately was negative, but it was still a stress. When my son was almost 5 months old my husbands niece died from complications of MMA. She was just 3 years old. Sydney and I were sooo close, her death really hit hard especially since I was not there, we were on vacation. At that time I started having harmful IT’s about myself and Cardon. I hated myself for them because here I was not bonded with Cardon, not liking him and having hurtful IT’s towards him and my Sister in Law was grieving the loss of her only child. I then started to seclude my self from people. My in laws were really toxic towards me and my situation, we had moved to a new area and I didn’t know anyone, so I was all alone.

My family lived more than 700 miles away. My husband was working and going to school so much that we would go days without seeing him. I would go days without getting dressed and especially without showering because I had horrible It’s in the shower. I also would go days without sleeping, or days with sleeping whenever my son slept (3 naps a day and 12 hours at night) I went dry and stopped breastfeeding, and that only made things worse. By may I couldn’t hide it anymore and started to seek help but was lashed out against by people. It was not safe for me to be on my own so we moved in with Travis’ Grandmother to have her help look after me. While there I started counseling and stayed in counseling for 3 months then was released with a “clean bill of health.”

However, Labor day weekend I had a total breakdown, in a ball on the floor begging my husband to take me to the hospital. I wanted to be admitted to the psych ward. Instead he sent me to be with my family for the weekend. Doing that he had to call in sick to work so he could care for our son. Well he was put on probation and then quit because of the unfairness of the situation. At that point we decided I needed some serious help and sought out a Kinesiologist. Within a few months I was back to “normal”

I know that you dealt with PPD through natural treatments. Would you share what worked for you and some resources for other women to turn to if they don’t want to use anti-depressants?

I have worked with a homeopath for about 10 years now, because I am intolerant to all meds including antibiotics and pain killers. So I worked with him and he tried to stabilize my hormones. It wasn’t working all that well though because I could only confer with him over the phone as he was in Salt Lake and me in Los Angeles. My mom at the time was seeing a kinesiologist that was recommended to her by our homeopath. So I sought out a kinesiologist in my area. My mom paid for the sessions since we couldn’t afford it and insurance wouldn’t cover it. Kinesiology is energy work on your body. There are different energies in your body and with asking different questions you can find out what is off, and then that same trained professional can help your body get back to its own normal levels. It was found my seretonin was off as were several of my neurotransmitters. I used fish oils to help my neurotransmitters function properly again. is a recourse that goes into detail about different forms of kinesiology. Also is a site to look for a practitioner. Tbm is a varied form of kinesiology.

What effect did PPD have on your marriage?

PPD was really hard on my marriage especially before Travis fully understood what was going on and quit living in denial. He went to one appoint at my PDOC’s with me. It was also hard because we were constantly under attack from his family. He would try to defend me to his family and try to defend them to me. He was trying to please everyone and it just didn’t work. As soon as he finally gave up and decided to stick to one side (mine) things got better.

Would you say through your PPD experience you grew and realized how to better nurture and take care of your body and mind?

Yes and no. I was pretty in tune with my body and mind before, but I did learn that I cant do everything on my own and I do need help and ITS OK to get help.

You’ve gone on to have another child after PPD. What was that experience like?

Well its been a whole different experience. My pregnancy was totally different, I was more in tune with little changes. I was able to stay on and increase my fish oils when needed. My labor and delivery was done totally naturally and I was actually a participant in it, and was coherent when she was born. That really helped in bonding. Things have been totally different, I cant express how different it has been. I started on a high dose progesterone cream within hours of the birth and was on that for several weeks before weaning off of it. I think that really helped. Also people around me were more aware and we surrounded ourselves only with the people who would be supportive. I did need to receive 2 kinesiology treatments during pregnancy to re-stabilize myself, but other than that I have had no relapses or reoccurance of PPD. I did have my thyroid tested at one point after the birth when I was starting to struggle some and it was on the low end of normal so I was put on some natural supplements to help balance the thyroid and I have been fine.

How did your husband handle your first episode and do you think he was well prepared to handle things if you relapsed after the birth of your daughter?

At first my husband was in denial. He did not handle it well at all. He would lash out at me and be hurt. He would blame me and tell me I could be better if I wanted to (something his family told him) then he started to see what it was really like once he was home more, and he started to be more supportive. Yes he was well prepared the second time. We had established open communication and had a plan in place. He came and told me once that it was time to go see my kinesiologist. At first I was mad at him. I yelled at him and told him to leave me alone. He did, he didn’t push. Of course after a day or so I realized he was right and went. But he had already planned that if I didn’t go in a couple days he would try to broach the subject again and then get my mom on board, which was all a part of the plan. Fortunately it didn’t come to that.

What do you find most challenging about motherhood? Least challenging?

My son is my biggest challenge. He has sensory disorders and that is very trying and can be very taxing.

Least challenging would be loving my kids.

What is the biggest lesson you learned from your PPD experience?

That I can overcome anything. If I lean on my spouse and God, I can do anything. I came from the brinks of sanity, so close to committing suicide, to where I am now. I couldn’t have done it without allowing other people to help me.

You’re a moderator at the Online PPD Support Page. How much does it mean to you to be able to support other women as they too struggle towards recovery from PPD?

It means the world to me. They gave me so much and I am so grateful to be able to give back and help other women who are right where I once was. It also helps me to realize just how far I have come.

Last but not least, if you had one piece of advice for an expectant mother, (new or experienced), what would it be?

Take it easy. Don’t stress. Relax. You may not know how to be a parent, but guess what, kids don’t know how to be a kid either, we learn together. Parents have the ability to read and get advice from others, but kids don’t get a manual, so relax and take things as they come and you and your kids will be better off.

One of THOSE days

The girls tried to make themselves breakfast again this morning. Apparently cheese toast and bacon were on the menu along with Good n Plenty, Belly Flops, and some sort of strawberry candy. I have no idea what they were planning on doing with the Fondue Pot. Frankly I am not sure I want to know.

I just realized today was so hectic I forgot to take my meds but I’m still here and very calm amazingly enough.

This afternoon was wonderful. They cleaned up their room without too much prodding and even earned a snack and a movie. Then as they moved back to their room to play as I cooked dinner, silence. For those of you who have never experienced toddlers, silence is a bad thing. A very bad thing. It means they are up to no good. This time they had the sample of Snuggle that had just come in the mail and were pouring it everywhere. I herded them to the tub, rinsed them off, and put them to bed. Yes, without dinner. I do not cook meals for those who choose to disobey. Bedtime went rather smoothly with Charlotte – Alli was another story altogether. I had to get the Magic Monster Catcher (a handheld vaccuum) and catch all the Monsters in their room, assure her the very dead bug on the window was OUTSIDE and would not be coming in to get her anytime soon, and let her crawl into bed with Charlotte so she wouldn’t be all alone. Oh the things Parents do to get their kids to go to sleep.

As I sit here typing, the comforting roar of traffic echoes in the background while the fans here in the house whine and sway as they keep me cool. No sounds from the back bedroom (ok, so silence is GOOD when they’re SUPPOSED to be quiet) and no sounds from Cameron’s room. Chris is at a step meeting and I am relaxing by venting here and contemplating lying down and catching a few ZZzzzZZZZ’s before Chris gets home so I’ll be able to enjoy his company when he gets here. I may just fix myself a cup of tea and sit here instead.

Thanks for listening and sharing my journey. Please don’t forget to take care of yourselves no matter how hectic the day gets. You ARE ALWAYS worth it.

The Cracked Pot

Today a reader left this as a comment on the post entitled “A Gift.” I HAD to share it and could not let it be hidden amongst the comments. It’s such a beautiful story. I hope you enjoy! (Thanks Kate!)

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts.” The pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Fathers table. In Gods great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.

A Bit Behind on things!

Seems taking that tech free weekend is finally catching up with me.

Also doesn’t help that I’ve got a to-do list now however; i don’t ever check it and it’s not emailing me my tasks on a daily basis as it’s supposed to do. (Time do find a new one, right?)

I know what projects I have on the burners and in what order they are and I also knew this month was going to be tremendously arduous and hectic. Boy was I right.

Maternity fair, an exciting initiative here in GA to start a statewide support network (YAY!), another ATL meeting at the end of the month, and oh yeah, Alli starts pre-k the same day as my ATL meeting.

And of course, there’s self-care, family care, house care, etc. Yanno- Life!

I know I haven’t posted any new Grace Awards and trust me, I’ve come across some articles that are well well worth it but frankly I tell myself that I will do it later and then later comes only to find me sound asleep at the other end of the couch! I’ll catch up one of these days. (I’m hoping this weekend maybe?)