And my oldest is over at Nana and Papa’s. So the house is quiet – and I’ve nothing to do. I’m sure I could come up with a project or two – I’d really like to bake some bread but the dishwasher isn’t finished yet and certain things I’d need to do that are still being cleaned. So here I sit – unaccustomed to being solo at 945am in the morning. It’s an odd yet strangely nice feeling.
I had a cup of coffee with breakfast this morning. Split some peach yogurt with Charlotte. She’s really developing her own little personality and BOY is she stubborn! She does NOT do anything UNLESS she wants to. Hrm. Wonder who on earth she got that from? (Both her father and I are very good at standing our ground when necessary – or even unneccessary) This morning after breakfast she grabbed my hand and lifted it up – wouldn’t let it go until I waved just like her. We played in the floor for about 45 minutes and then she started fussing. She crawled over into my lap and promptly put her thumb in her mouth. Naptime! So we changed her diaper and then I laid her down in her crib. Not even a single whimper – and I walked out of her room not knowing what on EARTH I was going to do…. maybe I’ll just go take a shower and enjoy the hour or so of quiet I’ll have before Alli gets home.
Oh, and one last little tidbit – when I was in college, I got this mood magnet from the on campus long distance company. You know – the one with all those different mood faces and then there’s a selector box that goes with it so you can “frame” how you feel that day – well, the other day for the first time in AGES I moved it to HAPPY. And it’s been there since. And I reallly and truly mean it! I had been hesitant to move it there because I just wasn’t sure but then I thought – what the heck – maybe just MOVING it there will really boost my mood and it has! I’ve been working really hard to clean up the house – and it feels good to know that I’m making progress. I made some serious progress in the dining room yesterday – now if I can JUST get the daggum kitchen straight – problem is that room gets used the most and it’s so hard to keep it clean when it seems like a tornado has just hit it – guess that’s what I get for LOVING To cook – I ALWAYS have a full sink of dishes to be done. And when I get ALMOST done – I decide to bake something else! LOL! Housework – it never goes away. (BUT it can go AWRY!)
Over the course of the past two weeks, I have had some really well, just “karma” things happen.
First, a couple of weeks ago, a mom here in GA emailed me just to introduce herself. At the time I thought it was quite random but appreciated her honesty and willingness to share her story. I shared with her that only great things would come of us knowing each other now.
Lo and behold, this past Tuesday, I received an email from another family in GA who was in some serious need of support. And guess what? They live near the FIRST MOM who emailed me earlier!
Today I finally connected them and let me tell you what – knowing that this mom is getting precious peer support that is absolutely invaluable is an awesome feeling. I am so happy for her and so glad to be a part of her recovery. I am reminded every time that I help a Mom just why I am doing this – it’s not for me, it’s not for money (because there is none!), it’s knowing that someone else’s life has been improved and they now are able to avail themselves of the support they so desperately needed!
I don’t need a paycheck – just the good hearty satisfaction that comes from helping others!
So I spent the bulk of today at home – resting. I had therapy this morning at 8a but I like my therapist and look forward to going to my appointments. Gets me out of the house and it’s my alone time. LOL.
I even managed to squeeze in a nap this afternoon while the girls were napping. Here lately (with the exception of yesterday) I’ve been having a hard time napping – can’t seem to fall asleep during the day. May have something to do with going to bed so early. Who knows!
I did wake up with an excruciating headache but coffee during therapy seemed to help that dissipate rather quickly.
We talked today about my OB visit on Tuesday. So far I’ve been positive in the blog but to be completely honest, at Tuesday’s visit, I was mildly disappointed to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was more excited than disappointed but I think hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the second time really made it sink in that there’s a BABY in there – I haven’t had much time to just sit and reflect on the pregnancy because everything has been so go go go since we found out (isn’t that life though?) And it’s kind of odd to me that I’ve got this nagging in the back of my head because I’ve always been the one lobbying for three kids and now – well – chris is more excited than I am. And I feel pressure to act like I’m happy but I’m really not 100% there yet. I have discussed this with Chris briefly. I even tried to tell him that if I *did* miscarry, I didn’t think I would be that heartbroken and he responded that I probably would be. Deep down I honestly believe that I wouldn’t be. I know the time will come when I will feel the baby move inside me and that’s when I’ll start to really get attached but for now when there’s really not any physical signs of pregnancy besides the nausea, it’s very very hard for me to think of myself as pregnant.
And Chris has been deadset on nothing negative being said about this pregnancy but hey, I can’t help that I feel this way and honestly, I just can’t keep it to myself anymore. And if one day, the child that I am now carrying reads this blog, hopefully by then I will have explained to him/her well enough what Postpartum Depression is and how it can affect mothers that he/she will understand that it was not his/her fault AT ALL.
I am also still on somewhat of a news blackout – as the recent events with the mother in Texas and now the wrestler have really gotten me a little edgier than usual. When the Texas story hit the news, I was ok at first but did end up having an intrusive thought that week. I KNOW it was triggered by the story and it was only one thought. But now that the wrestler thing is all over the news and my husband is fascinated by it, he’s been telling me all the details. I finally told him last night that I had had an intrusive thought after the Texas story and didn’t really care to hear the details about the wrestler and poor his family’s demise. My heart and prayers go out to both families that have been so terribly marred by these tragedies. There is nothing I can do about those specific tragedies but what I CAN do is continue my work with postpartum women and families and hopefully help them find the help, relief, understanding, and compassion that they so sorely need.
I called my OB’s office after just LISTENING to cars go became nauseating! I had literally become incapacitated. Enough was ENOUGH. They called in a prescription for me and I am happy to say that it worked! At first I was taking it every four hours – and now, well, I am taking it occasionally and for the first time, I am thrilled to report that reaching the 12 week mark has somewhat miraculously eased my nausea!
Checked in with my OB yesterday – blood pressure was a bit high – 138/70something but hey – I almost rear-ended someone on the way in. I think ANYONE’S blood pressure would have been high. Oh, and did I mention I had BOTH of my daughters with me??? Yeah. Justification has been served. They were both actually very well behaved – I was quite surprised and pleased. Charlotte missed her morning nap – once we got home I put her to bed after lunch – she tried some of my Big Mac. And LOVED it. Heh. Can honestly say I never thought that she’d be eating a Big Mac at this age. It wasn’t what I had planned for her lunch but she lunged for it like a squirrel lunging for the last nut on the planet and who am I to refuse a lunge such as that???
At 12n, shortly after I put Charlotte down, Alli said she had to pee pee. SO I went to take her – and discovered blood down there. I freaked out and got Charlotte up and took them both to the ER. We arrived at 1230p. Once we got checked in, we discovered that there was a TWO hour wait. So I signed out and took Alli to a nearby Urgent Care Center. They wouldn’t see her. She needed to go to the ER. I called her ped’s office that was on her Medicaid card. Nope, they didn’t take medicaid and hadn’t for 4 years. HUH?! It was now 2p. I called Charlotte’s ped’s office where Alli had been a patient to see if they could squeeze her in. Nope – not until 530-6p and besides, she needed to go to the ER. UGH! I ended up driving us all home because by that time, frankly, I was hot, tired, and getting snippy. We came home, I put charlotte to bed (she didn’t fight it at ALL), gave Alli a bath, and we laid down in my bed for a bit. We fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 520, when Chris called to let me know he was on his way home. I went to change Alli and she still had blood in her diaper.
I made the decision to cancel PACE for the night and take Alli to the ER. We had to swing by the meeting location to hang up cancellation signs first but then onto the ER. We arrived at 7p and we were out of there by 9pm. They had to cath her to get a urine sample and ended up being iffy about the diagnosis. They didn’t give her antibiotics – said it might be UTI, may also have been an anal fissure due to constipation. Alli was a brave little girl – and quite the sweetheart – even insisted that I get stickers for being such a good helper! We put them on a piece of paper today to be framed and hung in her room.
Oh, and for added fun, a week ago today Chris tore ligaments in his left ankle so I’ve been running the household COMPLETELY since then. Life. It hits hard, and fast. And how you stand back up and deal with it determines what kind of person you are. And lemme tell you something – I am one serious butt-kicking mama when I have to be. But I also have enough sense to know when I need to rest. I’ve been going to bed at 830 or 9p most nights the past week. I am WORN SLAP OUT! In fact, I am going to bed now – naptime!
Motion of any kind – and not just by me – no, motion of any kind, typing, watching letters appear (i’m getting queasy right now, actually) cars driving by, kids spinning, crawling, tv, digital photo frames, incessant leg bouncing, dogs barking, jumping, scratching, playing, etc … you name it, I’m queasy.
SO – in case you haven’t figured it out yet, that’s why there hasn’t been an update in a few days or more. And there will be sporadic updates only until this whole motion thing goes away. I can’t even text message on my PHONE without getting queasy!!!! I will be oh so happy when I can play tetris and not worry about those flipping shapes making me want to run to the bathroom!!!!!!!