Monthly Archives: October 2011

Whatever Wednesday: Like a Vulcan

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I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
I didn’t know how lost I was
Until I melded with you

I was beat incomplete
I’d been had, I was cold and blue
But you made me steel
Yeah, you made me steel.
Shiny and new

Like a vulcan
Purged for the very first time
Like a vulcan
When your logic rests
Next to mine

Gonna give you all my mind, boy
My emotion is fading fast
Been keeping it all from you
‘Cause only logic can last

You’re so devoid and you’re mine
Make me heartless, yeah you make me cold
Oh your logic thawed out
Yeah, your logic thawed out
What was getting cold

Like a vulcan (hey)
Purged for the very first time (yeah yeah)
Like a vulcan
When your logic rests
Next to mine

Oooh (whoah)
oooh, (whoah whoah)
oooh (yah yeah yeah)
(whoah whoah)

You’re so devoid and you’re mine
I’ll be yours ’till the end of time
‘Cause you made me steel
Yeah, you made me steel..
I’ve nothing to feel

Like a vulcan , hey
(you make me feel like a vulcan)
Purged for the very first time
(Ohhh baby)
Like a vulcan
When your logic rests
Next to mine

Like a vulcan, ooh, ooh
Like a vulcan (yeahh)
Feels so empty inside
When you purge me (when you purge me)
When your logic rests (when your logic rests)
When you neglect me (when you neglect me baby)

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (yeah)
Ooh, baby
ohh
Like a vulcan

 

(the inspiration for the above rewrite of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” came about after a brief discussion with my mother about how to politely tell someone you didn’t want to discuss emotions – by telling them you wanted to be “Like a Vulcan.”)

A Father’s Insight

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What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
That’s what little boys are made of !”
What are little girls made of?
“Sugar and spice and all things nice
That’s what little girls are made of!

Snips and snails, and puppy dog tails grow up to be stoic and fearless, handymen expected to fix everything. At least that’s the hole into which society attempts to place men and has for some time now. Men are our rocks. Our shelter in the midst of the storm. Our protectors. As such, emotions are off the table for them. No tears. No anxiety. No fear. Fixers of all.

Men are human too. Capable of emotion. Sure, they may not process it out loud as we women so often do but they are capable of emotion in the face of life’s events. Men love. Men suffer heartbreak. Men hurt. Many may be silent about their loss or their pain. But every so often a man exposes his heart and offers invaluable insight into a man’s emotional world. When this happens, it’s important to pay attention.

I recently met Jeremy on Twitter. He blogs over at 2 Baby Dad about life as “An Expectant, Already Dad’s Blog.” His wife suffered a miscarriage. As we chatted, I asked if he would be willing to write about his view of his wife’s miscarriage. He agreed and posted his insight today after emailing it to me so I could read it over.

Jeremy’s account is raw, insightful, powerful, and honest. As I read through it, I felt the emotion building. By the time I finished, there were tears and my heart felt full as I exhaled. His words, the rhythm, the way he opens and then closes his experience embraces so vibrantly the experience of a father when it comes to fatherhood. There are emotions, even if “concealed by a wall” as Jeremy says.

I strongly urge you to go read Jeremy’s piece entitled “A Father, His Wife’s Miscarriage, and a Lost Unborn Child.” Share it with the men in your life. With the women in your life. Communication is key between husband and wife in the midst of any crisis. The better we understand where the other party is coming from, the better our communication with them will be when crisis hits. Please read this and pass it on to as many as you can.

Changing the World – Want in?

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In the four years I’ve been doing this work, there’s one word I’ve heard uttered in response to the question “Why aren’t you in therapy/seeing a doctor/getting help?”

MONEY.

These moms, these mothers stranded in the darkness, so lost that many of them are sure suicide is the only way out, are stopped from getting help because they can’t AFFORD IT. They’re just above the line for assistance. Or their assistance ran out because they’re past 8weeks postpartum (which, by the way, is when most Medicaid for pregnant mothers runs out and ALSO when Postpartum manifests) Or the state they live in (I’m looking at YOU, South Carolina) classifies Postpartum Depression as an EXCLUSIONARY condition within the Department of Mental Health, cutting them off from assistance for therapy and other treatment options after Medicaid runs out.

MONEY, people.

It’s killing our mothers. Impairing their ability to recover. To function. To fully parent their children. To fully be themselves. It’s leaving them desperate and out in the cold without a warm hand to hold. It’s hurting our children’s chances at a successful life. Did you know that when you treat a postpartum mother successfully, her CHILDREN have a better chance at growing up and not developing issues with mental health? Weissman et al in 2006 treated 151 depressed mother/child pairs. Of the mothers treated, 33% of the children improved their behavior. Only 12% did not. This is not just a mom issue. This is a SOCIETAL issue. True mental health care starts with Moms. And we, as a society, are ignoring them.

It needs to stop.

In Karen Kleiman’s book, Therapy & The Postpartum Woman, there’s a bold yet tragic statement made not too far into the book in regards to finances and therapy: “There is no easy solution for this barrier to treatment.”

As women, we explain away why we can’t afford to spend money on our own wellness. We can’t afford to miss work. We have bills to pay. Our kids need this or that. The family needs this. I have to ask my husband first. The house.. the car… the …. this… that… STOP. Just stop.

YOU ARE WORTH IT.

And if you truly can’t afford the care, if you don’t have insurance, if the therapist doesn’t take insurance and the sliding scale doesn’t work with your realistic budget, if the therapist doesn’t have a sliding scale – I have a solution. But I am going to need a hell of a lot of help to make it become a reality. Postpartum women deserve a voice. They deserve to have it heard by a trained and knowledgeable professional so they can recover and live life with their children, their loved ones, and themselves to the fullest.

Will you help me?

I have a dream.

A non-profit which helps women pay therapy bills. Helps to alleviate medication costs. Possibly childcare so they CAN go to their appointments. For therapists and professionals to participate in this network, they would be required to maintain certification in regards to Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders. Guaranteed knowledgeable professionals and financial assistance? We can do this.

This is  idea has been marinating for quite some time now. Not too long ago, I had a discussion with a dear friend of mine. She can’t go to therapy because of the cost. Because it costs to see the doctor. It costs to see the therapist. It costs for the case manager. She can’t afford it. Won’t go on meds because she can’t afford the return visit and would have to go off cold-turkey after just one month until she could afford to go again. She’s applied for assistance but someone is dragging their feet. She’s not postpartum but she’s stuck in limbo and struggling like hell just to stay afloat. It’s not right.

I can’t keep this idea to myself any longer. It’s time to set it free. To make it a reality.

Beyond the above idea, I don’t have a plan. I don’t know where to start. I need help. I need people knowledgeable about setting up non-profits. I need people knowledgeable about medical billing and how we would even begin to provide assistance. Fund-raising. Research. The whole nine yards. I need volunteers. I need professionals familiar with mental health willing to serve on an advisory board. On a board. If you can’t help directly, share this post with someone who might be able to help. Or with someone who knows someone – make this viral. Postpartum women deserve to not have to add “worried about cost” to their concerns.

I can’t do this alone. But together we can drastically change the landscape of hope for women with Postpartum Depression. We can make recovery a reality for so many.

Are you in?

Let’s talk.

Let’s do this.

Write on Edge: Inking mythic power

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She stumbled into a dark cave, her breath clouding into the cold mist of the room. As she slid down against the moist rock, a grumble echoed from behind her. A yellow glow filtered into the darkened room, uncovering not one, but two hydras nearly snout to snout with each other. Their eyes slid open as they glared at each other. Blackened pupils wrapped around amber slits speckled with green. Their breath exploded suddenly, filling the cave with deafening roars and flames. Gasping, she turned and ran toward the exit. Flames surrounded her, fanned toward the ground. As she turned for one final glance, a large bird, aflame with crimson and honeyed feathers rose from in between the two hyrdras. The cave opened as the bird stretched and grew, furiously feeding upon the fury between the two battling wyrms. Extending it’s eyes upward, the bird continued the skyward flight, desperate to escape the chaos and carnage. She stared, unable to stop watching even as the flames swallowed her whole.

Sitting suddenly in bed, heart seizing and breath breaking, she gulped deeply of the life still fighting within her. Stumbling to the bathroom, she glanced in the mirror. Resting upon the whole of her back and wrapping around to her hips and shoulders, two angry dragons birthing a spectacular Phoenix caught her eye as she passed the mirror in the hall. She smiled, finding refuge in the brute force impregnanted just beneath her skin.

This post inspired by today’s Write on Edge prompt – Tattoos. The above describes the tattoo I have planned for my entire back, hips, and upper shoulders once I hit my goal weight. I’ve wanted this tattoo for several years now and cannot wait until I finally have it inked on my skin. Given everything I’ve been through, this tattoo will be extremely powerful and meaningful for me. Want to read more stories about tattoos? Go check out the Write on Edge prompt today.