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Choices

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Laundry or laughter with the kids.

Dishes or cuddling.

Caring for a sick child or posting at my blog.

Sometimes choices are easy to make. And sometimes they’re not.

Choices are really what make up the fabric of life. The small decisions we make every second of every day are what comprise how that day rolls out. But what determines the mood of the day is how we deal with the decisions we make. We even have a choice there – we can be frustrated with the decisions we make, we can be ok with them, or we can be outrageously thrilled with these decisions.

For me, the hardest decisions to make are the ones that I am just OK with. If I’m just OK am I really making the right decision? I will argue with myself that if I tip the scale this way, I’ll be pissed. But if I tip it that way I’ll be happy. Or will I? When I get this way I make myself stop. I bow my head and pray to God. I give the decision to him and stop worrying about the outcome. Choosing to live my life and enjoying each and every moment while letting God do my worrying is infinitely more important than anything else in the entire world. It’s taken me a long long time to get here but now that I am here, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I have a tough decision in front of me. It involves an amazing opportunity I feel honored to have been approached with but that I’m not entirely sure I’m ready for right now. It deserves careful thought and detailed attention. Do I want to add more to my plate or do I need to keep my plate where it is now? You know what? I’m giving it to God. I know He’ll make the right choice and I will have to be happy about His decision. He’s done a great job so far and if this door is one that I am supposed to walk through, He’ll let me know, in His time.

Self-Care is the most important care of all!

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I know I’ve been slacking on the blog. Not posting as much as usual.

This is because I have been practicing what I preach.

I have been taking care of myself and my family – all other projects have been put on the shelf and are only worked on as I can get to them.

We’re all still a smidge under the weather and to top things off, we’ve now joined the ranks of millions of Americans in the unemployment realm. We understand cut-backs needed to be made. We’re not angry. In fact, we see this as a door opening rather than closing. Both of us have a wonderful sense of peace surrounding the entire situation.

That being said, my family and myself will always come first. So if you’re a regular and I don’t post for a few days, send a prayer or two our way and know that I will be back when I get a chance – haven’t forgotten about you – merely walkin’ the walk!

When is too much really TOO MUCH?

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I have often wondered at times, heck, even marveled at women who seem to take on the world and appear to excel in all they do. How do they do it? How on EARTH do they keep up with everything and appear so calm and suave? Even with all that I now do and have been through, I have no idea.

There are days that go just right. No one screams or fusses, no one has an potty accident, don’t have to clean up after the girls (or the dogs), and the day just flows.

Then there are days like today where from the moment that I roll out of bed, it’s all downhill. Breakfast snack wasn’t the right thing, Alli got out of her room and got the ice pops out of the freezer, proceeded to yell and scream and throw fits the entire day to the point of being put in her room and left there so I could calm down before dealing with her zillionth tantrum in two hours. Cameron bit me twice today while nursing so he didn’t nurse much today at all, Charlotte needed to go potty every 5 seconds and of course it was gray, humid, and wet from yesterday’s storms so we couldn’t go outside to play, no TV show was the right one for us to watch, the girls wanted to play with what the OTHER one had – of course! Why would it be any different? Oh, and Maggie almost pooped on the couch right next to Charlotte as we all cuddled up to watch TV that we had actually agreed on! *sighs*

I know the whole nursing/supplementing thing is getting to me. It was so hard not to blame myself. After all, I have been Cameron’s ONLY source of food since birth. How do you not blame yourself? And now that we’re weaning (even though I’ve decided to keep nursing as long as he’s interested even with the formula), I know I’ve got a whole ‘nother issue with the prolactin and hormones coming ’round. To be honest, last Monday I was pissed. Pissed because I had finally been doing really well again – had been happy, confident, cheery – more than I had been in quite some time and then WHAM! the whole issue with Cameron and POP goes my happy bubble. I felt guilty about being pissed over my happy bubble being popped. I mean, c’mon – I should be concerned about my son – and I was, I am – but instead there I was, moping about my happy bubble. Everyone kept telling me that I couldn’t blame myself that there was a myriad of reasons that he wasn’t doing well – to which I replied – Yeap, got the flow chart in my head already, you’re not telling me anything new. I almost made the flow chart. Thinking that may have been a bit over the top.  I moved through my emotions on Monday pretty quickly, or so I had thought. I am so hoping this is PMS and not PPD that’s been lying in wait, ready to pounce at the first sign of honest vulnerability. I’ve got a lot going on elsewhere too and as crazy as it sounds have been so busy that I haven’t even had time to do a to-do list. It’s on my mental to-do list to do a to-do list (try saying THAT three times fast) but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it. i’ve got to otherwise this is just not going to get any better and I will become even more lost in the forest of tasks that seem to be springing up around me, especially if I keep having days like today.

I feel like a deflated clown punching bag after a state fair.

Just toss me in the corner and leave me to be covered in hay and dirt and Lord only knows what else.

I’m pissed. I’m apathetic. I’m just well – here. I don’t really want to be awake but not quite ready to go to sleep yet. I can’t think of a darn thing to cheer myself up besides coming here and just letting it all hang out in naked honesty. I need to pray. I need to go lay down and read the Bible and find my answer there.

Hey – Chris is listening to the radio on his computer and it’s my favourite uplifting song – Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Starting to feel better already. :-)

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. Alli will be starting music camp so she’ll be gone from 9a – 12n every morning through Friday. I’m ready for another break.

Sometimes God whispers at just the right time

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This morning I arose to a husband who hadn’t been to sleep because of his back pain, a screaming hungry baby, and two toddler girls who were extremely excited about going to church.

I didn’t want to go.

But they were beyond excited. Allison had told Charlotte that today was Sunday and that meant they got to go to Sunday School!

Chris certainly wasn’t going as he hadn’t been to sleep yet. The in-laws were out of town so we couldn’t ask them to pick up the girls. If we stayed home, the morning promised to be a difficult one.

So I went even though I didn’t want to go. I fixed breakfast, the girls and I ate, got the girls ready, got myself ready, and out the door we went. I arrived early and sat down next to some family friends and ended up talking with her about PPD. She shared with me about her experience and would you believe that 25 years ago, she had an AWESOME doctor who was caring and knowledgeable? I told her she was SO lucky to have that doctor in her life at that time. What a blessing!

Church Service started and after a few rounds of cleansing song, a soldier fresh from his 3rd tour of Iraq approached the stage to present the church with an American flag that had flown high in Iraq on his tour. There was not a dry eye in the house as we all stood to recognize his amazing service to our country. Agree with the war or not, there is no wavering in the military’s dedication to what this country stands for and I commend them all for their service.

The pastor began to preach and as he spoke, I found myself distracted, something that doesn’t really happen a lot to me at church because our pastor is awesome, as he was today. I flipped to the back of my bible and began to look for the word “depression” in the concordance and term glossary. I found it and began to read the bible verses quoted there. Once I was done, I returned my attention to the sermon, which focused on 1 John, chapters 1 and 2. Walking in the light with Jesus and focusing on the truth of the Word, and accepting forgiveness that Jesus so amazingly gave to us.

As the invitation was given, I felt an overwhelming urge to look towards the front. I saw a man who had gone forward and after the invitational song was over, our pastor shared with us what this man had shared. He had been struggling with Depression and wanted the Church to pray for him. We were led in closing prayer and dismissed.

Instead of leaving, I went against the crowd to the front of the Church. I knew God was guiding me forward. At the front of the church, I sat down, noticing an older woman in the second row just crying her heart out. I went over and asked her if she was his wife, she said she was. Telling her about my bout with depression (briefly) and letting her know that I volunteer to help women with depression, I asked their names and wrote them down so I could pray for them as they faced this together. I also wrote down all of my information and gave it to her with the instruction for her to call me or email anytime she needed to talk. I then sat with her until the men of the church were done praying for her husband, letting her know that she didn’t need to talk to me, that we could just sit there together quietly. I also spoke with her husband and let him know the same thing – and will be sending a book to the Church for him tomorrow. It’s a book that Tara Mock over at Out of the Valley recommended to me – New Light on Depression by David B. Biebel D. Min. & Harold G. Koenig, MD. It is not only medically valuable, but biblically valuable as well.

I don’t ask much of you, dear readers, but if you would lift this family in prayer, I know they would appreciate it greatly. I would appreciate it greatly.

Even when God whispers, I hear him. For this I stand amazed. It has been a long time and I have missed hearing His voice guide my actions.

Mozzarella in the Toaster?

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Let me start out by saying that yesterday was perfect. No problems at ALL with the girls – I didn’t have to discipline either one of them even once. I was also up at five a.m. and able to get to them before they got out of their room. We had also received a YogaKids DVD in the mail and they did that three times – yes, my kids did 90 minutes of yoga yesteday! :-)

 

This morning however – complete opposite. I set my alarm for 6, thinking it wouldn’t matter – WRONG. I overslept until nearly 7 and as soon as I opened our bedroom door and made it far enough out to see the kitchen, I knew we were in trouble. The closer I got to the kitchen, I could smell something but didn’t place it until I got into the kitchen and felt the top of the toaster. Hot. So I asked Alli (who was still in the kitchen) what she had put in the toaster. She responded with “Cheese.”

“And then I put it in the sink to cool it off!”

Um, well, hey, at least she can think, right? (Apparently a little too well)

(Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, we have a tremendously loud alarm on their gate. And no, it didn’t go off – because Alli dragged Charlotte’s bed over to the gate and proceeded to bypass the gate entirely by climbing OVER and dropping down into the kitchen. Welcome to my life with my kids)

So today is going to be one of those days again.

I refuse however, to let this define my attitude today.

I refuse to be dragged down into the murky depths of anger and depression because of this.

That WILL not happen.

I am giving this all to the Lord and am going to rely on my faith in Him to get me through this. Because frankly, if I try to deal with this on my own, I will break and that won’t be good for anyone.