On the Third day of Dismissmass: Three Healthy Babies

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On the third day of Dismissmas,

Postpartum sent to me

Three perfect babies

Two depressed parents,

And a wailing mess in a pear tree.

 

How many of you have heard (or thought) this zinger: “But the baby’s perfectly healthy. Why on earth are you sad?”

As a mother of two children who were born perfectly healthy and one who was born with a cleft palate and needed major surgery at just 9 days old to help her breathe and eat, I know what it is like to be on both sides that statement.

Yes, having a child with additional needs is hard. But just because baby is perfectly healthy does not mean that Mama is going to be happy after giving birth. There are a whole host of reasons for mom not to be happy. Thyroid, Anemia, Vitamin D deficiency, history of personal or family psychiatric illness, perceived trauma during the childbirth experience, hormones that are now all out of whack and not shifting back into place properly, financial stress, moving, life decisions, etc.

Those who say things like “Baby’s healthy. You shouldn’t be sad” have never been depressed after the birth of a child. It happens. It’s real. And it is absolutely not yours OR the baby’s fault.

The next time someone says that to you – respond with this: “You’re healthy too. Why aren’t you helping me get healthy too?”

Then snap a picture. Trust me. It’ll be a Kodak moment for sure.

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Whatever Wednesday: Grandma Jane’s Silver Bells

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My Grandma Jane rocked. She was sassy, outspoken, brash, and overly compassionate. Doesn’t sound familiar at all, does it? 😉

There were closets full of sweeping silky gowns, bedroom high heels, and real fur coats. We could dress up in anything we wanted to as long as it wasn’t in HER closet. Oh, the things I used to wear when we were at her house. (My cousin and I even got into her make up one year. Boy did we pay the price for THAT faux pas!)

She played organ at her church and had an organ in her living room on which she practiced. You know what that meant, right? We got to practice too. She would casually give us lessons too.

One of the songs our Grandma Jane loved this time of year was Silver Bells.

We would sit next to her at the organ as she played, watching every place her lithe fingers would land. Then it would be our turn. We would try our best to imitate her but all we could ever eek out would be Chopin.

This Christmas, every time Silver Bells plays, I am reminded instantly of my Grandma Jane. So I pause. In that moment, I feel the joy of sitting next to her at the organ, drinking in her perfume (remember Charlie?), her living room aglow in Christmas lights, delicious smells wafting from the kitchen, her perfume, and laughter of all the family members roaming about the house. In that moment, my heart is happy once again with her memory.

Then the song ends.

And I, I am left all alone until the next time the song is played.

I miss and love you, Grandma Jane.

This one’s for you:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_OOR8R5D9A]

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Just Talking Tuesday: The Elephant in the Room

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There may be an elephant in your marriage or relationship if you have been diagnosed with a Postpartum Mood Disorder.

Maybe you do not want to talk about it.

Maybe he does not want to talk about it.

You are both scared.

You are scared you might be permanently broken.

He is worried he has lost the woman he married.

Fear is a powerful motivator. Sometimes it leads us in the wrong direction. It can leave us away from those we love and the support we need.

So we grow silent with each other. Short, rude, snide. Judgmental, even.

With each other and quite possibly even with our children.

Silence is nothing more than taking your problems and shoving them in a pressure cooker. Eventually it will explode. Explosions are messy, non-discriminatory, and only serve to create additional trauma for you and those who love you.

Humans are not telepathic. If you need help, ask for it. Accept it. Don’t judge or nag how the person helping is doing the task. Unless the manner in which they are doing the task will harm someone, sit back and enjoy the break.

Your loved ones cannot help you heal unless you share with them what is really going on. There may be reasons for you to keep it to yourself – maybe they would judge instead of help. If their response is negative then revisit the relationship after you have healed. Right now, you need to focus on you.

Don’t keep your feelings to yourself because your husband has been at work all day and deserves to come home to a happy home. You’ve been working all day too. Instead, take 10-15 minutes to check in with each other when he gets home. You get 5 minutes, he gets 5 minutes. If you can take longer, do so. But while the other person is talking, you do nothing but listen. No talking back or interrupting.

Another great suggestion from @notsuperjustmom at Twitter is to hold hands if you feel a fight suddenly coming on. You can’t fight if you’re holding hands.

Have you talked about the elephant in the room? Has it been successful? What strategies have worked for you? Is your elephant still stifling your relationship? What challenges do you face? Share with us. Someone may have a suggestion that might just work for you.

Let’s get to just talkin’!!!!

On the Second Day of Dismissmas: Two Depressed Parents

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On the second day of Dismissmas,

Postpartum sent to me

Two depressed parents,

And a wailing mess in a pear tree.

 

Only moms get depressed after baby arrives, right?

Not so says more and more research. The most recent research on the topic, undertaken by Dr. James F. Paulson of Department of Pediatrics, Eastern Virginia Medical School, Norfolk, VA, claims as many as 1 in 10 new dads may struggle with depression after the birth of a child. This same research also found a connection between maternal depression and paternal depression.

Yet additional research shows that NICU fathers have a delayed and stronger emotional than their maternal counterparts. Just when Mom may be overcoming her emotional trauma, Dad is just starting in on his own.

One depressed parent is hard. Add another depressed parent to that picture and you’ve got quite the perfect storm brewing.

It’s important for mom to realize she is not at fault for Dad’s depression and vice versa. Together, they can weather this. It’s important for both to take time for themselves alone, as individuals, and also together, as a couple. For it’s couple-hood which got them to this point in the first place. It’s also important for both mom & dad to attend therapy if necessary. Sometimes separately, other times together.

There is a wonderful resource for depressed dads at Postpartum Men. Postpartum Support International also offers a phone chat solely for depressed dads the first Monday of every month.

 

 

On the First Day of PPD Dismissmas: A Wailing Mess in a Pear Tree

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On the first day of Dismissmas,

Postpartum sent to me

A wailing mess in a pear tree.

 

Many mothers struggling with Postpartum Depression are not weeping, wailing, messes. Instead they may find themselves struggling with anxiety, irritability, insomnia, intrusive thoughts, jealousy of the other parent, a loss of desire for previously held hobbies or interests, etc. Also important to note here that a mom with a Postpartum Mood Disorder may be perfectly capable of putting on a mask to fool others (and herself) into thinking she is perfectly normal.

The baby blues may cause random bouts of crying or mood swings for the first two to four weeks after delivery for some new moms. If these symptoms get worse during or do not dissipate after the first month after giving birth, please reach out for help. 1 in 8 new moms go on to develop a full blown Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorder. You can get in touch with an ever growing network of knowledgeable moms and professionals through Postpartum Support International. PSI can be reached via their website or their warmline at 1-800-944-4PPD.

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