You are bigger than this. This will pass. You have been through worse, he says. You will get through this. We will get through this, he says, holding my hand and kissing my cheek, his deep brown eyes full of love and worry, his brow furrowed.
My chest tenses. Body twitches. Legs bounce up and down involuntarily. Fingers play an invisible piano, my breath keeps tempo. Breathe slower, stupid. Breathe.
Swallowed whole by darkness. Sinking, sinking, sinking until the sunshine is a million miles away and murky mud slithers all over my body. Carried away from happy, just like that.
Breathe. Just breathe. Look up. Hold on. Breathe.
You have been here before. You have been further down before. You can do this.
I don’t want to.
I don’t want to.
I can’t… shut up. Can’t isn’t in your vocabulary. You are better than this. Bigger than this. Hold on. You CAN do this.
Light. Turn on the light. Take your medicine. Take the other one too. Talk. Reach out. Distract. Breathe.
Lose yourself in something that is allegedly happy. Laugh and joke even though it feels like the most antithetical thing you can possibly do at the moment. Smile. Fake it if you have to. But move forward. Climb out of the muck toward the sun. Toward the hands. Toward him. Toward HIM. Toward love. Choose. Breathe.
Bake. Create. Eat. Give in to the minuscule joy surrounding you. Let go of expectations. Walk your talk. I don’t want to. Frown. Sink. Mumble incoherently out of frustration.
Smile. Laugh. Twitch. Eat. Sink. Smile. Laugh. Twitch. Sleep.
Repeat until you are out of the muck.
“Are we there yet?” your brain asks. I’m tired, it says.
Almost, you answer. We got this, we got this. He’s got you. HE’S got you – through Him you can do ALL things. HE will carry you. Let Him.
But don’t stop doing what you are doing. Breathe. Eat. Smile. Meds. Light. Distract. Repeat.
Find the funny everywhere. Fight until the fog fades. Fight until the light is bright. Until the laughter is real. Until your twitching stops. Fight. Breathe. REPEAT.
Inhale. Exhale as the light breaks through the clouds intermittently. Smile.
You got this.