Monthly Archives: May 2007

Dose of Reality…

Tuesday evening this week I held my first peer support group meeting of the month. About an hour and a half in, I was ready to pitch in the towel and go home because no one had shown up. Just then, our one regular drove up. I recognized her vehicle and was happy to see her because I really needed someone to talk to this week. Turned out she needed to talk too but that’s confidential and I can’t share it with you! (sorry!) I listened to her first, and finally decided to share my news. She was thrilled for me and asked if I was scared – not only because of the PPD but because of the potential for a repeat birth defect.

At first I said that I was doing ok, then I stated that it kind of scared me that I’m doing so well with it. She told me not to worry about being scared and to just take the OK part.

Not so sure that I am doing that. In the back of my mind, I’m freaking out a little bit more every day. But by the end of the day, I’m ok again. I feel like such a yo-yo. And I had totally forgotten just how much early pregnancy can mess with your physical well being. Ok, well, pregnancy messes with you in general, but early pregnancy is my least favourite. I am horrible at being exhausted and queasy. I just shut down. I discovered yesterday that as long as I keep my belly VERY full, I don’t get queasy. So I pretty much need to be grazing all day long. Which means I need to find healthy non-fat stuff to snack on because I am determined to not gain a lot of weight this pregnancy. It’d be nice if I could actually end up losing weight when all said is done. Granted I want to have a healthy pregnancy but at nearly 100lbs overweight in the first place, the last thing I need to be doing is adding another 25-35lbs! I handled the Gestational Diabetes diet with my first just fine and she was great so I am trying to slowly gear my diet in that direction.

 As far as counseling goes this pregnancy, the first thing I did the day after I got my positives was call my therapist and find out if we could move my appointment up. She saw me the next morning at 730a. I LOVE MY THERAPIST! My husband and I have a joint visit this Tuesday at 6pm. It’ll be interesting to see how that goes. He’s having some stress issues related to the financial aspect and his overall responsibility in that department. I’m hoping we can work through those together. Although he abhors being “shrinked.” Sometimes though – it’s necessary to deal with a tough life situation. And I would certainly call what we’re going through a tough life situation.

That’s all for now – just gotta face my biggest decision of the evening – do I REALLY want to give into my craving for fried chicken skin or not? (yeah, I know, and it IS my weirdest pregnancy craving to date!)



Dear Ms. Morning Sickness….

Well well well.

I was wondering when you’d arrive. I had started to think that maybe, just maybe you’d stay away this pregnancy and I wouldn’t have to languish away at home instead of going to a play date – or be able to happily spin my daughter around instead of telling her “Sorry honey, mommy’s already spinning!”

Welcome back Morning Sickness. And middle of the day sickness. And evening/bedtime sickness. So so sorry I didn’t hang up any Welcome Back signs or set out a buffet of ginger ale,saltines, and ice water. I am so screwed this time around. The first time, you blanched at the taste of spearmint gum. Now I can’t even look at the stuff. The second time, it was Dr. Pepper, oranges, and Will & Grace. Now, I can’t drink Dr. Pepper or watch Will & Grace re-runs. Oh and those preggy pop things? Apparently you’re immune to those when it comes to me. And just how did you GET the name morning sickness to begin with??? WHAT A MISNOMER!

 I just have one favor this time – please please don’t overstay your welcome again. 6 months the first time was way too long. I sincerely appreciated the 4 month stay the second time but did you have to be so active and raucous? Did you really? Was that REALLLLLY necessary? Maybe just the standard First trimester this time. That would be nice. Then I wouldn’t have to laugh at the doctors and experts who stand there and tell pregnant women all over the world that you magically walk out the front door at three months on the dot. Or maybe you could just stay a week and hang out quietly in a corner or something. Just don’t rock the boat so much this time and we’ll get along just fine.

Yours Truly,

 One queasy pregnant Mama

A Bit of Off-topic Good news….

I got the news today that I was chosen to receive a mini-grant from Postpartum Support International. The project I proposed is an event during which two DVD’s about postparutm depression will be shown and printed materials regarding Postpartum Mood Disorders will be handed out to attendees. A follow up questionnaire will be provided as well to gauge what people thought of the presentation. I am SO excited about this opportunity because it will help bring awareness about PMD’s to the community!

I am also excited because it just seems that God keeps opening doors for me in this area and has made it all just happen. He has truly provided for me with my work with Postpartum Women and I strongly believe He will continue to provide during this pregnancy.

Mixed Reactions from the Family

So far, Praise God, no one has outright disowned us.

My entire family knows, apparently my father didn’t have much of a reaction, my mother wants me to lose weight (and I agree, I am overweight), and one of my younger brothers is relieved because we’re “doing all the work” and have taken the pressure off them for yet another year at the least! LOL.

I told Chris’ mother this morning. She was hesitantly excited – nervous because of what another pregnancy means for us emotionally and financially, and excited because she’s going to be Nana to another baby!

Tonight I’ll be telling my father in law. I am not really looking forward to it but my gut tells me he’ll take it better coming from me than from Chris. I’ll update later as to how he handles the news.

 We’ll also be telling Chris’ brother & sister in law. I will be asking my sister in law if she’d be willing to let me borrow her maternity clothes because I have um, well, I was done! Who needs maternity clothes lying about?!?? Not me! (Hindsight SUCKS) At least we hadn’t had our big yard sale and sold all the infant stuff yet, right? And to think – that was going to be in just a few weeks!

Gotta run now, time for Alli’s quiet time – and my sanity saver nap!

150pm: Quick Update: Chris went by his dad’s office on his lunch break and broke the news. According to Chris, Dad was shocked but seemingly excited. Mom knows that Dad knows so now all we have to do is tell brother & sister in law. Phew. So glad all of that is over and done with! Now we can get on with the pregnancy and what’s to come!

Don’t forget to Breathe!

About three weeks ago, we experienced an “oops.” A lovely condom that didn’t work as well as it should have. At the time I was cramping and could have sworn that dear old Aunt Flo was right around the corner. A little alarmed that our accident might have larger repurcussions than a messier than usual clean-up, we discussed the “if’s” afterwards. We both decided not to worry about it at the time because hey, if I was pregnant, there was nothing much we could do about it.

 Two weeks went by and no Aunt Flo. I started to get fidgety. And tired. And HOT. I mean, sweating like a stuck pig HOT. It was insane.

This past weekend I went to the Atlanta area to visit some distant relatives I hadn’t seen in awhile. Wanted to take the test before going but my ever so brilliant husband told me that I should probably wait until I got back. By waiting I wouldn’t be tempted to tell everyone and would enjoy the weekend instead of introspectively tearing myself apart with all that “what if’s and OMG’S!”

Turned out he’s really a smart cookie. He bought two tests on April 29th (don’t you just love those two packs?!?!) I had to pee before he got home so I went ahead and peed in a cup because I didn’t want to have to wait any longer than I already had.

 I dipped the first test, capped it, and laid it down. It started to work and the negative line showed up first. I started to celebrate UNTIL I saw the positive line showing up. (it was a +/- test) At first I thought nah, it’s just an evap line – nothing to worry about. Until it started getting darker!

I fumbled furiously for the second test and nearly knocked the pee into the sink. (UGH!) I dipped that one, capped it, and laid it down. In mere seconds, another positive sign showed up, this one even darker than the first. I was in tears. And I am about to explain why.

We already have two beautiful little girls. Our first daughter, Alli, is nearly 3 years old. Our second daughter, Charlotte, is just 13 months old. Both pregnancies weren’t easy: 6mos morning sickness with Alli, 4 mos furious morning sickness with charlotte, I had severe pelvic pain with both, and suffered from Postpartum Depression after both births as well. One bout went treated, the other untreated (first one). To top things off, Charlotte was born with a rare condition, Pierre Robin Sequence, which is a combination of a recessed jaw, cleft palate, and a tongue that can block the airway, interfering with breathing and eating. She had jaw surgery at 9 days old, a feeding tube placed at 21 days old, cleft repair at 5 months old, and ear tubes & a MIC-key button placed just one week after her cleft repair. I exclusively pumped for her for 7 months. I also ended up in a mental ward at an area hospital as a result of a bad match with my meds for postpartum OCD. I am finally in therapy and will be for some time, especially now that I am pregnant again. In fact, the first thing I did Monday morning was call my therapists office and see if we could move up my appt to earlier in the week!

After I got the positive result, I handed kid duty over to Chris and went and laid down. Alli tucked me in and after they left, I got up and got my copy of “What am I thinking?: Having a child after postpartum depression”. I had it not because I had been thinking about having another child but for women in the peer support group I now run for women with postpartum depression. I read half of the book by the time the girls were in bed. The one thing Karen Kleiman states in the very beginning is that fear at a healthy level, is good. She worries more about mothers who are not afraid of relapse after an episode of PPD than mothers who are afraid, again, at a healthy level. Obviously being fanatically fearful to the point of it being interruptive within your life is not a good thing – in any situation, let alone pregnancy.

So I am afraid. And not afraid to admit that I am afraid. However, I am in a much better place than I was with either one of the previous two pregnancies, have done my homework, have access to a therapist, have educated my immediate family, and have access to the Postpartum International Coordinator group because I am now a Co-Coordinator for the state of Georgia and help women from all over the state. Our level of support is much higher this time around. I have also chosen a new OB who is more sensitive to PPD and his nurses even call new moms to check in on them. So even though I’m confident in that department, I’m still scared. What if there is something wrong with the baby? What if things are worse this time around? What if Chris can’t find a new job making more money? What if….

I have learned to give everything to God and I feel that He is testing me yet again. And as  a quote from Mother Theresa – “I know God trusts me – I just wish he didn’t trust me SO MUCH!” We had decided we were done unless God had other plans for our family. Apparently He does and we are now along for the ride.

 Make it a good one, God. We know You’ll be there with us and we thank You for this unexpected blessing.