Tag Archives: postaday2011

Complain or give thanks? It’s up to you

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We are taking a Bible study course at our church on Wednesday nights called “Lord, Change My Attitude.” Authored by James McDonald, it is an amazing course already. Tonight was just the second night.

One of the verses James talked about tonight really hit home with me:

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Did you read it?

Read the first part again: In EVERY THING give thanks.

Every thing.

Not some things.

Not just the good things.

But EVERY THING.

As I sat in class, I thought of everything I have ever been through about which I could possibly complain but instead already find myself thanking Jesus for these events. For this, I am again, thankful.

It is HARD to sit in the middle of trauma, tragedy, tough stuff, and say “Thank you.” It is so much easier to give up, get angry, walk away. But to instead be given the grace of God to be able to say Thank You to God for the hard stuff too? Mind-blowing.

As I thought about this, I realized this practice of giving thanks is a habit I already practice.

For instance:

I could complain that almost three years ago I wrecked my car – my favorite car and best friend from college. I went everywhere in that car. But instead I am grateful. Grateful and thankful because wrecking that car saved my marriage.

I could complain that because of my wreck I spent the night at the ER and in jail. Instead, I am grateful and thankful because that time allowed me to spend time with God and pray before I had to go home and talk with my husband.

I could complain that my husband spent our money on marijuana instead of on insurance for the car. But instead I am grateful and thankful because that allowed me the time I needed to spend time with God and pray before I had to go home and talk with my husband about his confession of addiction.

I could complain that God allowed me to struggle with Postpartum Depression twice. But instead I am grateful and thankful because that hell? Prepared me for the hell I would soon face as the wife of a recovering addict.

I could complain that God gave us a daughter with a Cleft Palate. But instead I am grateful and thankful because she has taught us patience, love, and how to be better parents. Through her, we have both grown leaps and bounds as parents, as husband and wife, and as man and woman.

I could complain that my husband is unemployed. But instead I am grateful and thankful because he is able to be here with us and spend time with his children and family. I am grateful for the budgeting skills it has required us both to develop.

I could complain that I lost a lot of relatives when I was a kid. That I got to know grief a bit too intimately before I was 12. But instead, I am grateful and thankful because all of that? Prepared me for everything I just listed. There’s a reason for everything God has done in my life. To be able to look back and see it laid out before me as clear as day is a sight to behold – and I am eternally grateful to Him for deciding to let me see my road map.

I can’t wait to see what He has planned for my future. I am not scared. I know, that as He has done time and again, He will carry me when I need it most. That I will lean hard on Him because He has taught me well. And for that, I am grateful.

So you see, I could complain. A lot.

But instead, I am grateful and thankful.

What are you complaining about? How can you turn your complaining into gratitude? Spin it. Turn your negatives into positives.

I’m not saying it is an easy thing to do. It is a very hard thing to do. But it is a very FREEING thing to do.

I challenge you – turn just ONE complaint into a gratitude today. And then do it again tomorrow with another one. And again the day after.

On the loss of a Postpartum Pioneer: Ilyene Barsky

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No matter what words follow, none could ever hope to encompass the driving and endlessly inspiring passion of Ilyene Barksy.

Just a few short hours ago, I learned that Ilyene has left us here. She has crossed her final bridge and is finally resting. Ilyene struggled with lung cancer for quite some time. Those closer to her are privy to those details.

As I feel driven to write about her here, my eyes are filling with tears, my heart is breaking and aching for  the loss which has hit so many, including myself, so very hard. We knew it would be inevitable but it does not make these words or this post any easier to write. It does not make the pain any softer. It’s akin to bracing yourself for a car accident. The stiffer you are once the other vehicle hits you, the more pain you feel in the days after.

I never had the pleasure of meeting Ilyene in person.

She served as the Postpartum Support Coordinator for the state of Florida as well as the Southeast Regional Coordinator. It was through these capacities I got to know Ilyene.

I searched through my email tonight for my correspondences with Ilyene.

It wasn’t the eleven emails we tossed back and forth as we coordinated care for a client of hers between Georgia and Florida that tugged at my heart.

The email that got me was one I sent to her after a Regional call with the Coordinators here in the Southeast.

It read:

“During tonight’s call, my 23 month old son woke up. He was fussy and upset, using his “pain” cry too. (We’ve all had some form of upper respiratory issue here lately) I got him up and brought him into the living room after administering some motrin.  Prior to leaving I had put the call on mute and popped it onto speaker. When we got in the living room, he fussed and kept looking over at the phone. He continued to fuss until he heard YOUR voice. Calmed him right down. I don’t even remember what you were saying or at what point in the call it was but the sound of your voice got him calmed down enough to where I was able to put him back to bed just a few seconds after you finished talking.

I just had to share with you. Thought you’d get a kick out of reading this! (And thanks, by the way! lol!)

Warmest,
Lauren

I remember that night. My son was particularly fussy. Everyone on the call was chatting back and forth. But then Ilyene piped up to say something. He immediately stopped his fussing and stared at the phone. It was as if Ilyene had worked some magic spell on him through the phone.

Man.

If she could do that on the phone with a sick, fussy, grumpy almost two year old, I can only imagine how she must have been as a therapist in person.

And now, I’m saying goodbye to someone I never met but truly was one of my mentors as I navigated my first few years as a peer support advocate and Coordinator with Postpartum Support International.

Within that batch of emails regarding client care coordination, Ilyene asked if we had ever met and if I would be at the L.A. Conference. I was unable to make it to the L.A. Conference but as many of you know, I made it to Pittsburgh this year. Ilyene did not.

Ilyene, I made it to a conference. I got to finally spend a week soaking up everything Postpartum which did not exist when you started your journey of helping others through PSI back in 1987. I got to go.

And one of these days in the very distant future, I know we’ll meet each other. It won’t be quite the way either of us planned, but  I know it will be awesome.

Ilyene, you have been a huge part of what we, as Coordinators across the globe are doing these days. Because of you, because of Jane, because of Karen, and all the other early pioneers who so intuitively saw the desperate need for new moms who struggled with Postpartum Mood Disorders, we are here. Because of you, we are moving forward. You will be with us as we continue to reach out to struggling moms and their families.

There is a flame within the hearts of those of us who work closely with mothers and families struggling with Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders. You are part of that flame for so many.

I, and many others, will never let that flame go out.

Thank you, Ilyene, for your mentoring, your warm heart, your caring nature, and for being you. You too, are a “peach.”

We all love you deeply and miss you more than we can ever possibly express.

(If you are not familiar with Ilyene, visit her website at The Center for Postpartum Adjustment)

Milestones

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This year has been a year full of milestones for our four year old daughter.

She blew out the candles on her birthday cake for the very first time. She belly laughed for the first time. She is thriving in an all-day pre-k full of absolutely normal kids her age. We understand almost 99% of her speech these days. Life is good.

Today, a milestone happened for us in the car.

When I walked in to pick her up from pre-k, she grinned widely, jumped up, and ran over to hug me.

The last time I picked her up? Tears. Total meltdown. Temper tantrum complete with thrashing in the floor. She is accustomed to her father picking her up and had not been informed about the change. She was NOT happy. Today she was happy to see me. We started last night to explain to her that Mommy would be picking her up from school to take her to a doctor’s appointment.

I had a snack waiting in the car. Once strapped in, I got her settled with her snack, got the tunes going, and off we went.

Halfway across town, as she snacked and I chowed down on Peanut M&M’s, a favorite song of hers came on Pandora.

I turned it up, she squealed, and we sang as loud as we could together.

Then, it hit me.

We?

Were a mother and daughter rocking it out in the car.

Just an average, everyday Mom & daughter totally grooving together.

I had to stop singing because I started crying. Furiously blinking back tears so she wouldn’t see me and swallowing my tears so I could sing with her again, relishing the normalcy of the moment.

My four year old and I did not bond when she was born. She was born with a condition known as Pierre Robin Sequence. At just 9 days old, she had major surgery and was in an induced coma for a week as the swelling went down from her surgery.

When she was 56 days old, I was hospitalized.

When she was 7 months old, I stopped exclusively pumping and stopped resenting her for all the issues she brought into my life.

When she was 3 years old, she had to have another surgery and I was forced to return to the same hospital she was at for her NICU stay. We bonded that week, the two of us, and have been growing closer ever since.

But today? Today was really the first time I felt that miraculous mother/daughter bond with my daughter.

I cried not only because it had finally happened but because it took nearly five years to happen.

You know what though?

TOTALLY worth the wait.

Just Talking Tuesday: What is your solace?

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I often wake up to the sounds of screaming children. Not just children playing, children screaming. And actually, it is more than often. I would say 90% of the time we wake up to screaming and arguing children. Given that I am not a morning person, having to dive right into mediating World War III does not usually go well. One of the first things I do after things are settled is make coffee. The scent of freshly ground beans mixing with boiling water soothes my soul. It takes me back to my grandparents.

I also love to cook. This morning I made myself an egg white omelet with baby portabella mushrooms and swiss cheese. Not only was it delish, but it was very soothing to make.

Music soothes my soul too. I listen to quite a range of music these days – a lot of things I’m willing to bet most people would never picture me listening to, even if they follow me on Twitter and are privy to my random music tweets. I love upbeat pop music, hip hop, latin, alternative, rock, classical and flamenco guitar, you name it, I’m there. Except for the Rolling Stones. And the Beatles. Although, today, for the first time ever, I heard a Beatles song that did not annoy the ever loving tar out of me. There’s hope yet for those young lads from Liverpool in my life.

Making loose leaf tea is also soothing for me.

I also like to drive on the open road, windows down, music blasting, nowhere to go, nowhere to be…. just me, the road, and some awesome tunes.

Sitting on the front porch while staring at the birds, rabbits, the cows and goats across the street at the farm, the zillionth cars getting lost in our neighborhood, breathing the fresh country air – I love all of these things.

Reading. Watching movies.

Going to church. Reading my bible (which I need to do more!)

These are healthy solace practices for me.

I lean toward the unhealthy when I clean. Or brush my hair. Or clean. Mostly clean. I don’t clean a LOT because I get afraid I will go overboard and cross that inappropriate line. And no, it’s not an excuse to keep a messy house. I have to go slow when I clean because if I don’t, I won’t sleep, I won’t eat, I’ll just clean. Which is great for the house, not so great for me.

What about you?

What are your healthy solace practices?

Your not so healthy practices?

Let’s get to just talking!

Protecting yourself: Coping with Negative News & Current Events

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I experienced a traumatic birth with my first daughter. When I came home, I ever so brilliantly watched CNN Headline News most of the day when my husband was at work. I also watched a lot of movies and Star Trek: The Next Generation but the CNNH was my default setting.

For the most part, it was background noise.

Until the reporter would start talking about something absolutely horrific. Or they would show graphic pictures. Or they would obsess over the same negative news for hours at a time. Which, let’s face it, happens a LOT on the news these days.

I remember Hurricane Katrina. I was depressed, pregnant with our second daughter, and more than likely should not have turned on the Television. But I did. BAM. Triggered.

After the birth of our second daughter though, I turned off the news. I turned off any medical dramas. She spent almost an entire month in the NICU. For me, my life turned INTO a medical drama. Without the appearance of George Clooney or Goran Visjnic, unfortunately. I did not need to leave the hospital to come home and watch ER or Grey’s.

I limited my exposure to news. I did not go to CNN’s website or watch their channels. Same with Fox, MSNBC, local news, etc. I was safe.

But then I found Social Media.

On Social Media, it is HARD to ignore current events. Especially on Twitter where the majority of stories take off before any news outlet even picks them up.

I follow one news outlet on my feed. Only one. I may even drop them. If my Twitter feed is blowing up with news I find triggering, I close my laptop, shut off my Twitter app on my phone, and focus on the kiddos, myself, and laughing. Sure, I could let myself drown in the speculation, the negative spirals downward, and the ebb and flow of drama. But I choose not to do so. It is not because I do not want to be informed. I very much want to be informed. I just want to be informed on my terms, not on the terms the news outlets seem to think I need to be informed upon.

Much of the time, news is sensationalized in order to turn a profit. It’s meant to make you gasp, elicit an emotional response, and stay glued to your TV or buy the newspaper. There is a reason you do not see happy, non-sensationalized news very often. It is because frankly, it does not sell papers.

If news and current events trigger you, turn off your TV. Cancel your newspaper subscription. Think of other positive things you can do with the money you’re spending on that paper subscription – like a massage or even therapy!

If you MUST read news, go here: http://www.happynews.com/

Think of turning off the news as a necessary step in self-care as you move toward recovery from your Postpartum Mood Disorder.

What other triggers do you find you need to protect yourself from? Share your trigger and coping method below!