Thank you, NY Times, for reminding me why I blog

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Wow.

On March 12, the NYT published an article about Mommy Bloggers entitled Honey, Don’t bother Mommy. I’m too busy building my brand.

I needed a good hard smack in the face to wake me up.

A good reminder as to why I, an alleged Mommy Blogger, do what I do.

It’s not because I needed to re-frame a pregnancy after a harrowing rollercoaster ride to Postpartumville.

Nah, can’t be.

It’s not because I want to educate and increase awareness about Postpartum Disorders and recognize other Mommy Bloggers doing the same.

Nope.

What about increasing awareness for resources for families struggling with Postpartum Mood Disorders? Could that be it?

Maybe. But probably not. In fact, I highly doubt it.

Hrm. What about processing the bumps along the road since my pregnancy?

Probable but unlikely.

According to the NYT, I blog so I can get free stuff. So I can pimp my little corner on the web out to Corporate America. And more importantly, I blog because with three kids ages 5 and under, I just don’t have enough to do.

YEAP! That’s IT! SO ME! OH SO ME! *jumps up and down* Wait – how did they know???

Oh wait, I’m supposed to be blogging about how to make tutu’s and scrapbooking too, cuz according to the Times, I care about those things.

Ahem. Who do you think I am? Martha friggin Stewart? Clearly you don’t have a hidden camera here because then you’d know I’m a bit more in Roseanne Barr’s lane when it comes to keeping house.

Thank you NYT for the harsh reminder of why I’ve leapt headfirst into this strange land called the Blogosphere.

I had almost forgotten.

And forgetting why you blog, dear friends, is just dangerous.

Will that be baby or a set of plastic horns?

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More and more mothers these days are turning to exclusively pumping for their babies according to an article over at Time Magazine.

Why?

The article gives several reasons from not wanting a baby at your breast to “having other things to do” besides nurse to not wanting the humility of having to nurse in public.

As a mom who has fed her children via exclusive breastfeeding, exclusive pumping, and with formula, I have to say while I understand and I’m glad these moms are at least giving their children the benefit of breastmilk, I’m a little befuddled.

I exclusively pumped for our second daughter for seven months and hated it. I hated the pump. The horns were cold, hard, and didn’t offer to cuddle with me when we were through. They didn’t fall asleep on my lap, snuggled up next to my breasts. No, instead I had to sterilize them and return them to their waiting positions on the kitchen counter. Why did I pump? I pumped because my daughter was born with a cleft palate and therefore physically unable to nurse. As she was facing multiple surgeries to take care of a few issues including closing her palate, I saw my breastmilk as important medicine that would help get her through those early few months with some extra protection. It wasn’t because I wanted to save time (and by the way, nursing a baby does save time – it’s not a Hoover of time as some of these moms would have you believe), it wasn’t because I had other things I had to do, and I would have proudly nursed her in public if I could have.

What’s interesting is that this article cites a research study which showed that not breastfeeding mimics child-loss.

In an intriguing paper published in July in the journal Medical Hypotheses, Gordon Gallup, a professor of biopsychology at the University of Albany, posits another upside to sticking with the breast: a mother’s decision not to breast-feed may unwittingly mimic child loss, evolutionarily speaking. Given that bottle-feeding technology did not exist for the last 99.9% of human evolutionary history, Gallup reasons, the likeliest reason a mother of yore would not have breast-fed is the death or loss of the child. He suggests that the consequences for the bottle-feeding modern-day mother could include an increased risk of postpartum depression and difficulty producing milk. (Read More from the article by clicking here)

There are several other reasons to nurse directly:

  • Heating breastmilk may cause some nutrient loss
  • Pumping requires a high level of sterlization of pump parts and bottles. (Trust me as someone who’s been there – this is time consuming! And I even used Medela’s microwaveable steam sterilization bags!)
  • Freezing milk also causes nutrient loss
  • Some breastmilk does not store well due to an enzyme that cause it to become foul smelling and tasting
  • Time limit on how long breastmilk can be at room temperature. While it CAN be out and about longer than formula, there is a limit. Nursing directly does give you more freedom to do whatever you want to do.

I have always been very supportive of moms doing whatever they feel they need to according to their own family philosophies but this takes the cake. With our third child, I was faced with having to pump again because he wasn’t gaining enough weight with just breastmilk. (My supply had dipped due to some severe emotional trauma). After a day of consideration, I decided to move straight to formula. I could not go back to pumping because I knew where that would lead me and frankly, I just was not ready to return to that dark place.

For any mom out there who is considering to exclusively pump instead of nurse, please know that it is a LOT HARDER to EP than it is to nurse. It takes a lot of dedication, a hospital grade pump to really get a decent supply going and continued, and EP’ing is a lot more time consuming than nursing. Please educate yourself about the pro’s and the cons before jumping into the exclusively pumping pool. It’s filled with some deep water, ladies.

Given the choice, I’d choose baby over horns ANY day.

Why I support other Mothers

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I just wrapped up reading a post over at Her Bad Mother, If Prayers were Horses, Grievers would Ride. She’s talking about the recent death of her father and how to cope with her daughter’s questions about death. The post itself doesn’t have a thing to do with Postpartum Mood Disorders. But my reaction to it does.

When I first watched the video montage about Crystal that Joseph Raso sent me, I wept. My children were in the room. And here was mommy, huddled with her laptop, headphones on, tears sliding down my face, my body literally wracked with sobs. Did I know Crystal? No. Do I know Joseph? I do now but I did not then. But I DO know loss. I know the heartache it can bring. I know it all too well. And I suffered from it when I was a child. By the time I was 22, I had lost all four of my grandparents, two cousins, and several other relatives. Most of them succumbed to cancer.

The first death I remember was when my aunt died when I was five. I remember her only a little bit.

My first real brush with a strong emotional reaction was when my step-grandmother died on Thanksgiving in 1987. Imagine getting ready to go to your other grandparent’s house to celebrate and have fun only to have your parents sit you down in their bedroom to explain to you that your grandmother has gone to be with God. I wept. I’m starting to cry again now. Strangely, I just accepted this as part of life. But I had already been through a few other deaths prior to this one so for me, death WAS truly a part of life. We went to her memorial service as she had been cremated. I remember standing at the top of a spiral staircase staring out the windows at the rain. No one was around me, I wanted it that way. My heart hurt. My body hurt. I wanted my grandmother back but I knew she couldn’t come back.

Eleven years later, her husband, my maternal grandfather died. Just a few days before his death, I had a dream. I dreampt his death. I saw him gasping for air, not breathing, calling for help, no one coming to rescue him. A week later, he passed away due to congestive heart failure. This was the first time I had lost someone so suddenly. I became an empty vessel only capable of crying, moaning, thrashing. It was not a beautiful thing. A mere 19 days after this, my other grandfather died. I had nothing left to give. Nothing.

I share all of this to get to my point.

After I watched Crystal’s video, my daughter asked why I was crying. I gulped. Dear Lord, how do I explain this to a child? How do I tell her why this beautiful woman on my computer screen made mommy cry? How?

I grabbed her and held her close. I pointed at the pictures of Crystal sliding across my screen. And I talked to her about what I do. Why mommy is on the computer so much. We’ve talked before but this was different. I told her that this mommy, THIS MOMMY, got very very sad after she had a baby. And no one was there to help her. She didn’t know where to get help. And she made a decision that took her away from her family. That this Mommy’s decision had made her family very sad and now her children didn’t have a Mommy anymore because she’s in heaven. I started to cry again. My daughter looked at me. I looked her in the eyes and said rather emphatically:

“THIS MOMMY is why your Mommy does what she does. Your mommy doesn’t want other kids growing up without a Mommy. YOUR MOMMY wants women to have help and know where to turn.”

We hugged, and a few minutes later, she came back over to me.

“Mommy?”

“Yes dear?”

“I’m sad the Mommy isn’t here anymore.”

“Awww, honey.”

“But it’s ok for you to be on your computer now.”

And you know what, since then, she’s really been okay with me being on my computer.

Kids are resilient like that. Yes, we need to guide them and be careful what they see and hear. But life happens. The more open we are with them about life, the better prepared they will be when they finally step out into that giant pool without us. And if they swim well, we’ve done our job right.

The havoc of sleep deprivation

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Let’s face it – if Alice were a new mother, it wouldn’t have been a rabbit after which she tumbled down a dark hole. No, it would have been the spiraling mental anguish of a sheer lack of sleep due to the sudden presence of a very small creature unable to communicate in any other way but with a loud piercing shriek. The way I see it, Alice is walking through the daisy covered field, singing happily or humming a light-hearted tune and then WHAM! A loud shriek fills the air and down she tumbles, clawing at the sides of the dirt encased tunnel to keep from falling any further.

Sleep deprivation is a serious issue for anyone. But toss in a new mother with hormones bouncing in every direction topped off with a new little being to care for, and a zillion people babbling advice at her all at once, it’s enough to tip the scales in the wrong direction. To add to this negative balance, turns out Postpartum Depression can aggravate already impaired sleep quality.

According to the APA, a person who does not get enough sleep can experience issues with the following: apathy, slowed speech and flattened emotional responses, impaired memory and an inability to be novel or multitask. Hmmmm. Flattened emotional response? Impaired memory? (When DID I feed the baby last?) Multitask? (Ever tried to care for more than 1 kid at a time on next to no sleep? It’s not pretty people, not pretty at all!)

There are a few reasons you may not be getting decent sleep as a new mom. Depression is one of them. Two other conditions that can wreak havoc with your sleep are Thyroiditis and Anemia. Both of these conditions can leave you exhausted even if you are sleeping the required 6-8 hours a night. Be sure to ask your doctor to screen for both. It’s a simple blood test. The results will make a world of difference if  positive. Anti-depressants will not treat thyroiditis or Anemia. You’ll need a different approach altogether. Treatment for thyroiditis or anemia may include hormonal or iron therapy to get things moving in the right direction.

It’s been almost two years since I have been  a brand new mom but recently I received a stark reminder of what sleep deprivation will do to someone.

Our oldest daughter has been sick repeatedly since January. The most recent bout really took it out of me. One evening, I gathered fresh sheets to make up one of the kid’s beds. I carried them straight into the living room and almost made up the space heater instead. Thankfully I realized what I was about to do and turned myself around before placing sheets on the heater.  I was shocked I had let myself get to that point. I remember when the kids were still nursing. I’d finish up nursing them, crawl into bed, only to be woken up by my husband in what seemed just five minutes later to nurse again. With just one kid, it was easy to recover during the day. Recovering from the same scenario with two toddlers and a newborn who just doesn’t want to quit is even harder. Lack of sleep is a debt which adds up quickly. According to recent research, sleep loss is not something we can ever make up. That’s right – sleeping in on the weekends doesn’t really help.

As mothers, we often forget to mother the most important person in our lives – OURSELVES. If we are not healthy, we are then not able to take care of those around us. If we cannot take care of those around us, they become grumpy, unhappy, and unhealthy, giving birth to a very vicious circle which is difficult to escape. However, if we take care of ourselves by making sure we eat right, sleep right, exercise, and feed our souls, those around us will be happier and our kids will have a positive role model on which to base their own behavior.

I know telling a new mother to simply get some rest is so much easier said than done. Talk with your support people prior to delivery. Make sure that sleep is high on the list. First, actually. Before the dishes, before laundry, before anything. In fact, British researchers recently concluded that women need 20 more minutes of sleep than their male counterparts. Why? Because we do more “jobs” with our minds. For instance, right now? I’m blogging, researching, listening to the movie my kids are watching, keeping up with where my kids are in the room (on the couch relaxing right now, thank goodness!), praying the trash truck doesn’t set off too much of a barking event with the dogs, and thinking about what I’m going to make for dinner. I’m also reminding myself about several tasks I need to complete today. Women, by nature, are multi-taskers. Our minds race ahead of themselves at a very fast pace all day long. The extra 20 minutes of sleep allows our minds to rest just enough to be able to get up and do it all over again the next day.

A new mom is struggling to figure out how she’ll get the chores done, feed the baby, soothe the baby, get a shower, breathe, cook, and fit everything else she used to do into her now controlled by a tiny creature life. It’s not easy. Eventually routine happens. One little thing at a time.

Start small. In the morning, make yourself a cup of tea. Sure, it’s not the dishes, but it’s for YOU. If you’re nursing, the more relaxed you are, the easier it will be for your child to get your breast milk flowing. Then, when you are done, take a few seconds to clean your tea cup/mug/glass. See? One dish done. My great-great grandmother once shared a piece of advice with my mother she never forgot and then thankfully passed down to me. If you’re in a room doing something, take a few seconds to clean. In the bathroom? Clean the sink. Heading to the kitchen? Take any dirty dishes with you and rinse them out if needed. If you get in the habit of cleaning up after yourself bit by bit, there is no large task looming ahead of you. Just tiny little ones here and there. And this is how developing a routine begins. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen. And once it does, I bet some of the anxiety about housework fades and your sleep starts to improve.

Going back to the topic of sleep, it’s important to develop a routine there. In the first few weeks after giving birth it will be hard to have a dedicated routine and frankly, you’ll probably be asleep before your head even hits the pillow when you have a chance to clamber (ok, race) to bed. But once you’re through the first few weeks and baby starts to sleep better, start with just one activity to initiate your bedtime. Some common things to do are: read a book, take a shower or hot bath, drink soothing tea (not caffeinated is important here!), warm milk, a favorite TV show, pray or meditate. As time moves on you can combine these things – take a shower, read a book and have some soothing tea. Or watch a TV show and drink some warm milk.

Napping has also been shown to help with mental acuity. Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison allegedly never slept for long periods of time. They napped here and there. A fifteen to twenty minute power nap can do amazing things. Recent research showed that people who took a 90 minute power nap after lunch scored up to 10 percent higher on a cognitive test than those who did not. Stages of sleep affect our body and minds differently. To understand the different stages a bit better, check out this piece by Diana L. Walcutt, Ph.D at Psych Central.

You must sleep sometime between lunch and dinner, and no halfway measures. Take off your clothes and get into bed. That’s what I always do. Don’t think you will be doing less work because you sleep during the day. That’s a foolish notion held by people who have no imaginations. You will be able to accomplish more. You get two days in one — well, at least one and a half.”

~Winston Churchill~

The keys to recovering a good night’s sleep after giving birth to a baby is to slowly incorporate routine back into your life, asking for help and support, and remembering to Mother the most important person in the house. YOURSELF.

Did you watch Postpartum Nightmares?

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What were your thoughts?

Did you think Discovery Health did a good job? Or was it just more sensationalism that hurt the public perception of Postpartum Mood Disorders?

What did you like?

What did you not like?

Let me (and Discovery) know what you thought of this documentary!