Category Archives: Just Talkin Tuesday

Just Talkin’ Tuesday: How do I survive relapse?

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Original blank stock art uploaded by enimal @ www.sxc.hu

Over the past month or so I’ve heard a lot from several of you about relapse. What is it? What if I get stuck in it? How do I know it’s relapse? How do I get out? Is it like Quicksand? Will I get sucked in further if I struggle? Should I just stay calm? Am I down for the count if this happens? What do I do???? HELP!

Relapse sucks.

It just sucks.

It sucks the life out of you all over again, sucks your progress down the tubes, it just – well, sucks. There’s no nicer way to put it, frankly.

What is relapse?

Relapse is when you begin to show signs and symptoms of how you were feeling at the very beginning and these issues begin to interfere with daily living for more than a couple of weeks with no sign of decreasing. These signs and symptoms are set off by a myriad of things – something happening very similarly to what something that happened around the time of your child’s birth, re-visiting the hospital at which something traumatic related to the birth or immediately after the birth occurred, any situation increasing stress to a level at which you’re not ready to cope, or an unknown trigger.

How do I know it’s relapse?

I cannot tell you for sure. But chances are if you’ve had a whole bunch of good days and then wham! You’re two weeks into a string of bad days, chances are you may have a relapse episode on your hands. Think about when this pattern started. Did something happen at the beginning of this that may have triggered it? Moving? New Daycare? New Job? Loss of Job? Financial issues? Difficult news about a loved one?

How do I get out of relapse?

The same way you got out before – complying with your prescribed course of treatment, whatever that may be, and being open with your doctor about what’s going on in your life right now. If you relapse, it’s a good idea to get all your levels tested again – Iron, Thyroid, and Vitamin D. Even if you did not experience issues initially, it’s a good idea to rule them out again. Be sure to be open and honest with your care provider. They are at the mercy of what you share and to be treated successfully, they are relying on you to paint a clear picture of what’s going on as YOU know YOU best.

Is it like Quicksand? Will I get sucked in further if I struggle?

Yes and no. You’ll go further if you struggle against your prescribed course of treatment and remain a non-participant in your recovery. But if you turn and fight like the strong courageous woman I know you are, you’ll escape pretty quickly. (Halle Barry once said on Oprah that the repeat visits to depression valley were always easier because she had been there before and knew the way out. SAME principle applies here. Deep down you know your triggers, your flash-points, and you can control them. And even if you feel out of control, you’ve been here before and know what to do if you just let your body and mind relax.)

Am I down for the count if I relapse?

Absolutely not! Relapse is merely a detour on the way to Recovery. It can put you down for the count but ONLY if you let it do so. Once you decide to fight back though, Postpartum Depression does not stand a chance.

Let me put it to you this way – A caterpillar goes through hell to survive from the time it’s born. It eats, chews, grows, and then if it’s lucky enough, it builds a chrysalis. You know what it’s doing in the chrysalis? Morphing into a butterfly. A beautiful, gorgeous, amazing butterfly. Once that chrysalis pops open and the butterfly is set free, it can never go back. Sure, it can stop by and admire the now empty shell of its past life but it can never climb back into the original chrysalis. The SAME is true for you. You can never truly go back. We can only move forward and move with whatever bumps come our way. We choose to either make them into beautiful butterflies or remain a lowly caterpillar. The choice really is yours even if you can’t see it right now through all the fog.

So this is where I want to kick off the discussion. Have YOU had a relapse? A setback? How did you cope? What would you tell someone who is now relapsing to give them hope? What would you want to hear? Let’s get to Just Talkin’, ladies (and gents)!

Want to answer this on your own blog? Grab the button to the right! Just be sure to link back to this post so your readers can check out the comments here as well.

Just Talkin’ Tuesday 06.08.10: How do you talk with your kids about Postpartum Depression?

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First, apologies for this being late. Summer break, a new family schedule, a blah day yesterday and then Internet connectivity issues today have all come into play. Starting next month, I’m going to work on planning a whole month’s worth of posts focused on one topic. So if there are any specific questions you’d like to have answered, send them to ppdacceptance(@)gmail.com. Maybe YOUR question will be a Just Talkin’ Tuesday post soon!

Looking back, I have realized our older daughter experienced a lot of things at 23 months old no child should ever experience. My husband and I yelling and screaming at each other because we were not communicating, Mommy collapsing in the floor as she wailed because something minor set me off, snapping at her for nothing at all, trapped in the house because we could never leave it, feeling abandoned as we went to Atlanta to be with Charlotte (don’t worry y’all – we had family members caring for her – not like we tossed her some cookies in her bed and wished her the best of luck!), and just the overall instability a Postpartum Mood Disorder drags with it into the household.

When we discovered our third pregnancy we decided things had to have a different focus. Instead of preparing things for the baby, we would need to prepare ourselves for the baby. By this time I had been doing advocacy work for just a few months and running a support group for nearly 4 months. I read, researched, picked a local OB known for his attention to women after delivery, and poured my heart and soul into the development of a personalized Postpartum Mental Health Plan.

Our girls, then nearly 4 and 2, sat in the middle of this potential storm. How could we best prepare them for the firestorm?

We waited until 8 months or so into the pregnancy. At every meal we would bring up Postpartum Mood Disorders. Yes, they got sick of hearing about it. But what we did worked well for us.

The conversation went something like this:

“Mommy wants to talk to you about something.”

Daughter 1: “Yes, mama?”

Daughter 2: plays with her food

“You know how you’re getting a new baby brother?”

Daughter 1: “Ahuh. And he’s gonna be so much fun and…”

Daughter 2: shoves food to one side of her plate.

“Well, sometimes, after mommies have babies, they get really super duper sad. And it’s not anyone’s fault.”

Daughter 1: “Sad? Why sad?”

Daughter 2: working on moving food back to the OTHER side of her plate.

“Well, no one really knows why yet. They just do. And like I said, it’s not anyone’s fault. Not the Mama’s, not the daddy’s, not the children’s fault, and not the baby’s fault. Got it?”

Daughter 1: “Got it.”

Daughter 2: is now parting her food as if it were the Red Sea.

“So who’s fault is it if a Mommy gets sad after she has a baby?”

Daughter 1: “The Mommy’s.”

*sigh* “No… it’s not anybody’s fault! It just happens.”

Daughter 1: “Oh. Not anybody’s fault?”

Daughter 2: Contemplating a spoonful of food at eye level.

“That’s right! Not anybody’s fault!!!”

“So – if that happens to Mommy and she gets sad, let’s think of some ways you can help mommy cheer up.”

Daughter 1: “Okay. I can tickle you. That will make you smile!”

Daughter 2: Attempting to eat said food. Instead creating a river of oatmeal down her chin.

“I like that! So if you see mommy sad or upset you can come tickle me, okay pumpkin?”

Daughter 1: “Really? I can? Yay!!!” cue really big goofy toddler grin.

Daughter 2: now smearing river of oatmeal on table. I’ve given up.

“So who’s fault is it?”

Daughter 1: “NOBODY’S!”

“And what are you going to do to help mommy if she gets sad?”

Daughter 1: “TICKLE YOU!”

And off we giggled into the sunset as a river of oatmeal flooded the plains.

But seriously – see what we did? We had a completely age appropriate discussion about Postpartum Depression. It really sunk in because if I looked sad after our son was born, my daughter really DID tickle me. So totally adorable.

As for the flip side – telling your children about your own experience with Postpartum Depression you had with them is a completely different ball game. Sure, I have share with them some of it but again, it’s in an age appropriate manner. They know mommy spends so much time on the computer because she helps women who are sad after they have babies. They have seen me cry when I’ve been touched by a story or a tragedy. And my oldest knows enough to know that if she ever has Postpartum Depression, she needs to talk to mommy cuz mommy knows what she’s doing. I hope and pray neither one of them experience this hell but with my experience, their risk goes up. So I feel I owe it to them to educate myself as much as possible, be as open as possible, and let them know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are NOT alone.

SO let’s get to Just Talkin’ here. Did you have older kids when you experienced your Postpartum Mood Disorder? Were you able to prepare them? If not, how did they react to your Postpartum experience? How did you talk with them about what was going on with Mommy? And here’s a doozy – will you ever tell your child the full unfiltered and uncensored story about what happened? Or will you continue to tell them in general terms about Postpartum Mood Disorders? (I’m still on the fence about whether or not I’ll share full details with them – if I ever write a book I suppose there’s no turning back then, right?)

I can’t wait to discuss this with y’all!

Just Talkin’ Tuesday 06.01.10: Should I or shouldn’t I? Having another baby after Postpartum Depression

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Last night’s #PPDChat centered on this topic.

Given the varied responses and concern, I wanted to offer an extra outlet to continue the discussion.

Many women struggle with this decision after they’ve experienced a Postpartum Mood Disorder. Prior to having depression, these are moms who may have dreamed of a large family. Or at least a family with more than one child. But then a Postpartum Mood Disorder crashed down across their tracks, making the future seem beyond an impassable obstacle. Once we’ve cleared the tree, hacked it into little pieces and shredded it up, we’re exhausted. The mere thought of speeding headlong into another impasse may immobilize some.

So unintentionally, we are at an impasse. Do we or don’t we? What if… how can I prevent this from happening again? What effect will another episode have on my relationship with my older child? Will my marriage survive another round? Will I survive another round? What if I’m ready but my husband isn’t? What if my husband is ready and I’m not? What if my family is pressuring me? How do I handle this?

So we wonder. We worry. We talk. We cry. We mourn what might have been. We make a decision but don’t publicize it until we are ready to defend it. Because we feel we have to defend ourselves. We shouldn’t have to – but we do. It’s what we do.

I was not ready to have our second daughter. I had not healed from my first episode. I did not know if I wanted a second child. But my husband did. And deep down I did too. I just hadn’t made peace with the decision yet. So we started to try. And then stopped. And then started again. I went through hell – worse than the first time around. But somehow I made it through. It was my third pregnancy that scared the crap out of me. I spent so much more time getting ready for me and my potential relapse instead of on getting ready for baby. Combined with therapy and meds, my pro-active approach proved to be what worked for me this time. I am thankful I had a postpartum where I got to enjoy that newborn time. But after that, a couple of months in, I got pissed. Why? Because my PMD robbed me of this experience with my daughters, irreparably harming our bond. Sure, we’re bonded now and we love each other but it’s different. We don’t have that from the start bond. And that breaks my heart. All.the.time.

So let’s get to Just Talking – even if it is late.

Where are you on this journey? Have you? Thinking about it? Have advice/tips? What’s keeping you from having another baby? What’s your biggest fear? Share it with us – we won’t judge.

Just Talkin’ Tuesday 05.18.10: How did you first share your Postpartum Mood Disorder story?

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Today is a mash-up of posts.

It’s the APA’s Mental Health Blog Party day and my weekly installment of Just Talkin’ Tuesday. (If you’re interested in reading other entries for today’s Blog Party, the APA is rounding them up here.)

Today, the APA is asking all mental health (and not) bloggers to raise our voices in order to shatter the stigma which surrounds mental illness and disorders. In that spirit, I had to give quite a bit of thought to the topic for today’s Just Talkin’ Tuesday post. It had to be a topic we had not covered recently as well as one that fit the blog party spirit. And wouldn’t ya know it, inspiration strikes right as I am seriously craving some time with my bed. This topic has been meandering about upstairs for a few days but decided to wait until the last second to make a mad dash for the door, er, keyboard. So here I sit, at 1215am EST, words pouring onto my blog. I make no promises as to the length of this ramble. Proceed at your own caution and time restraints.

It started with a simple phrase uttered to me while at psych ward on a suicidal/harm to others hold during my second postpartum experience.

“You don’t have to tell anyone where you were this weekend.”

Why?

Why would I want to keep this experience a secret? What reason would I have for not wanting to share my struggle?

My mother raised me to keep the communication lines open no matter how deep the trauma. And my father taught me to always, ALWAYS think before I spoke. So you see, I strive to keep a balance between the two. Sometimes this means holding my tongue or my thoughts for a bit longer than I should and missing out on opportunities to speak up. But then I figure maybe it is for the best I didn’t say anything in the first place.

"Raffles Resort Beach"by fpugirl @flick

More than anything though, I believe strongly in both values. And these values are what caused me to question why on earth the nurse told me I didn’t have to tell anyone about my visit to the psychiatric wing. And what pray tell, would I have told them? That I had won a trip to the Carribean? Been waited on hand and foot? Slept the weekend away on pillows flatter than ironed Martha Stewart Linens? C’mon, people!

From the very beginning of my downfall, I was vocal about my experience. I asked questions. I sought answers. I wanted to talk to other mothers. I needed, desperately, to know that I was not alone in this new pitch black rough and tumble sea.

There was something I clung to as a lifesaver in the midst of my temporary insanity. And I don’t think I have ever properly thanked him for saying it to me right when I needed to hear these words the most.

“You are reacting no differently than anyone else in your shoes would be. Don’t let them tell you any different!”

My father spoke those words to me during a phone call from the hospital. I clung to that phone like a lifeline. My father’s words echo through my mind every so often but back then, when I needed to hear them most, they were a shiny buoy of hope in my dark dark sea. I never let go. Thank you Dad, thank you for knowing just what to say right when I needed to hear it. I am sorry if I have not thanked you before now but THANK YOU. From the very depth of my very healed heart.

If I could be on the phone, by golly, I was on the phone. Talking. Sharing. Being HONEST about where I was and how I had gotten there. And every last person on the other end accepted me, loved me, did not judge me. I know how fortunate I am to have that kind of support. Believe me, I am above and beyond grateful for the support which exists in my world. There are others who exist and fight with no support, no place to turn, alone in their dark sea upon which they are now sailing. Sailing with no compass, no supplies, lost.

There are mothers out there who struggle in the darkness for a very long time. So long, in fact, that Dr. Arlene Huysman coined a term, Progressive Postpartum Depression, an undiagnosed Postpartum Depression which gets darker and darker as time marches forward, dragging the darkness along for the ride. So long that there’s an entire Scientific American article dedicated to the topic and a ton of research on the impact of untreated Maternal Depression if you should care to go looking for it via Google or med journals. Why do they stay quiet? Why do they not seek help? It does not make sense. If your throat is sore, you see the doctor. Heart attack, ER. So why not this? Is it not the same? It should be treated as such.

But it is not.

Many believe you should be able to snap out of a depression. That Happiness is a choice. That somehow, we are choosing to be sad, insane, or conjure up these intrusive thoughts to get out of being a mother. That it’s all a conspiracy. But it’s not. Oh, it is SO not a conspiracy. There’s no dark back room to which we all retreat in the middle of the night and agree on what symptoms to exhibit the next day to escape the humdrum of domesticity. We don’t choose straws to see who gets to be the happy housewife and who gets to curl up in a ball muttering to herself. There are no auditions for this. IT.JUST.HAPPENS. And guess what? We don’t like going through it anymore than you enjoy watching us go through it.

A Postpartum Mood Disorder is sheer hell. First, there’s the myriad of symptoms from anxiety, to depression, to not eating to not sleeping to obsessing, to thinking horrific thoughts about what might happen to baby, what we might do to baby, etc, so on and so forth. And then there’s the guilt. OH the guilt. The guilt of not wanting to have anything to do with our baby. The guilt over not gushing over baby or not snapping back as quickly as celebrities or not coping like the suave women in the Johnson & Johnson commercials. The suave women who invade our homes every day as we sit in front of the TV with a screaming infant as our hair becomes ratty and our bathrobes and slippers wear thin because we haven’t changed our clothes in over a week. And then, there’s the judgment. We are supposed to be happy. Anything less than happiness is unacceptable in most families. Suck it up. Get over it. Yeah, motherhood is hard but I just did it. I didn’t get sad. I didn’t curl up in a ball. I don’t remember.

We are all different.

We are ALL beautiful.

And there is a quiet power in each and every one of our stories. An important power. One we must protect and share so that others will listen, learn, and understand.

"Stormy Sea" by Xeubix @flickr

When I was in the thick of my Postpartum sea with waves crashing all around me, I dreaded sharing my story. I hated having to explain to yet another person what had brought me to my knees. I hated answering questions.  At some point, that changed. At some point, it became liberating to tell others how I had managed to escape and heal. The mode of transportation whether it be natural, pharmaceutical, physical, spiritual – does not matter. All that matters is that you find what works for you, for your personal philosophy and situation. And damn anyone who dares to judge your choices. YOU are in charge of you – don’t ever forget that. It is your path to wellness and not that of anyone else. Take command of your decisions and let no man judge you for them.

When I first shared my postpartum story with power behind my words, it was with Wendy Davis of Postpartum Support International as I applied to be a Coordinator here in the state of Georgia. At the time, there was only one other Coordinator. There are now four of us, a statewide support network, and two support groups in operation according to the PSI Georgia webpage. That’s a lot of growth in just three years. Since then, I’ve operated my own support group (which has stopped meeting due to lack of local interest and support), began blogging to reframe a third pregnancy, and also become the Community Leader for two iVillage message boards dedicated to helping both Postpartum and Pregnant women who are depressed or struggling with mental illness. I’ve also recently started a #PPDChat at Twitter. Turnout there is still small but it has been powerful. I believe in quality vs. quantity when it comes to peer support. Every time I share a piece of my story, I empower another woman, another family. I continue to empower myself through my sharing. I am always healing, a work in progress.

There are power in your words. Share them but share them wisely and carefully.

How did you finally share your Postpartum Story? What made you decide to share your story? Was it with a loved one? With a colleague? A complete stranger? In person? Online? Or have you held it in for years, filled with shame because there was no one to tell who wouldn’t judge you?

Let’s finally get to just talking – and beat the crap out of PMD stigma while we’re at it, ladies and gents!

Just Talkin’ Tuesday 05.11.10: Postpartum invoke guilt? You are not alone

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I know some of you are sucking air past your teeth through pursed lips right now, nodding your heads in agreement, rolling your eyes and possibly even muttering.

Really? She’s dragging THAT ghost up?

Yup. I sure am.

But why?

Because it’s important to face every facet of Postpartum head on – even the ugly parts.

Why is it so important? So those who are currently struggling KNOW that they’re not alone. So they KNOW that the emotions they’re feeling – while alien to them – are actually quite common among those of us who have struggled before them. The more we talk about our experience, the less victorious the stigma, fear, and guilt will be!

And let’s face it, GUILT is one of the uglier parts of Postpartum. It makes decisions we’re faced with during our Postpartum Mood Disorder even harder. No decision we make is a guilt-free decision.

Breastfeeding and having to medicate? Guilty. What is this doing to my baby? Should I be medicating and breastfeeding?

I had a c-section. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that done. Maybe that’s why I have postpartum. There’s that guilt again, sliding in through the door.

I had a vaginal birth but my c/s friends think I’m holier than thou now (even if I’m not) and won’t talk to me. HELLLLOOOOOO guilt.

I’m bottlefeeding because I can’t breastfeed or breastfeeding grosses me out or I was told to stop by my doc. Oh guilt? Won’t you PLEASE come in? Please?

My daughter/husband/others are judging me for my lack of parenting skills. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Fishbowl Guilt: The feeling of judgment from everyone!

I’m thinking about having another baby/I don’t want another baby. Guilty over lack/desire to become/not become a mom again. Especially when pressured by others to become a mom!

I struggled with Fishbowl guilt with my first daughter. I sucked as a mom. My husband told me all the time what a great mom I was and how amazing I was at taking care of our precious daughter. But I never believed him. Even my 7 day old daughter judged me. I had no idea how to relate to a newborn. I’d never done this and just like her, I was brand new at this relationship. I kept the blinds in our house closed all the time. I used the excuse of nursing but it was really to keep all the people outside from peering inside to witness my daily failures as a woman, a mother, and a wife. I had fallen and there was no way I was sharing THAT with the world.

With our second daughter, I pumped exclusively for 7 months so she could get breastmilk as she was born with a cleft palate. It finally came down to my mental health and my relationship with my first daughter and husband or breastmilk for my second daughter. I bought formula. Cried all the way there and all the way home. Managed to keep the tears down in the store but heaven help anyone who had decided to give me a speech about the superiority of breastmilk. I had a whole tirade planned. I even had to fight with WIC to provide Enfamil instead of Similac because they were under contract with Similac but my daughter couldn’t tolerate the stuff. I had to get a doctor’s prescription for plain old Enfamil in order to win that battle. And that meant I had to fight with my then idiot pediatrician because he couldn’t understand what the difference was between the two and almost refused to write the script. Thank goodness for a local IBCLC who gave me the free Enfamil sample she had in her office. She saved them just for me and that meant the world to me.

Our son was a champ nurser from the start. And then we had issues with a bad latch habit. Then there were the back to back to back cases of thrush. I even had to go on an anti-candida diet to finally kick it because our ped and the OB couldn’t get their treatment schedules lined up. I nursed my son for 6 months. During that time, I had some severe emotional trauma unrelated to PPD. It killed my supply. My son was diagnosed as Failure to Thrive at 6 months old. The NEW pediatrician wanted me to pump. HAH! I was so not going back down that road. After a very emotional day of contemplation, we opted for formula. Everyone in the family dove in and donated bottles, a warmer, and we were on our way. Cameron switched completely within the next day and we never looked back.

I did not have Postpartum with my son. Sure, I had issues crop up, but they were not related to the birth of my son. And I weathered them just fine.

I had finally learned to put my guilt up on a shelf and leave it there. I still get it down to dust it off occasionally but it’s never stayed down for very long.

The biggest lesson I learned from my Postpartum was to let go of my guilt. How did I do this? My angel of a therapist once said something to me in relation to a situation with which I was struggling. She told me that how others react to you is THEIR gig, not yours. Wow. HUGE. It really hit home with me and I practice it each and every day. I’m also a huge proponent of believing that as moms, we have to make the decision that’s the best for ourselves and our families. I respect that in others and in myself.

So let’s get to just talking.

Do you deal with guilt? What’s your biggest source of guilt as a mom who’s struggled with Postpartum? Have you put the guilt behind you? How’d you do that? Share your tips for guilt-free living as a mom. Are you still dealing with the guilt and think you shouldn’t be? Try giving yourself permission to be ok with your decision. It’s amazing how far permission will go if you give it a chance.