Category Archives: strong woman

A Little Slice of…. Normal?

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photo from flickr

photo from flickr

As my Postpartum OCD slammed against my shores, the skies darkened and angry bolts of lightning seared through the atmosphere. I hunkered down in a deep dark cave, curled up in the fetal position while wishing the skies would clear. Eventually they did and as puffy white clouds took the place of the dark angry ones, I began to realize the island I now found myself on wasn’t so bad. The laughter and comraderie filling the valleys no longer grated on my nerves. Not even the whining and crying could push me back to my cave. In fact, I slowly began to forget where my cave was – I think it’s been overgrown with dense vines or is hidden away behind a waterfall.

This afternoon with the kids was completely blissful. All three of them played together in the floor without arguing. They peacefully shared with their toys and burst with laughter. Allison wove a wonderful tale of marital bliss with Cameron’s toy cars. Charlotte giggled at Cameron’s newfound block playing skills. And Cameron just soaked up the attention from his big sisters as they surrounded him.

I immersed myself in the joy of watching my three children enjoy each other’s company. THIS is what motherhood is like without the angry and confusion of a mood disorder. Wow. I didn’t have a mood disorder after having Cameron but there were all the issues with Chris’ addiction that threw me for a loop. Moments like these- moments so tantalizingly perfect never fail to blow me away. They make all of this worth it – all the struggling, the fighting, the tears, the pain – all of it makes the joy I now feel so much brighter.

And it’s this joy that i wish for all the families I come in contact with because I remember all too well not knowing it.

Sharing the Journey with Michael Puline

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A couple of weeks ago, we shared the journey with Amber Koter-Puline. Today we’ll get her husband’s point of view. It’s important to include dad in the postpartum experience because his support is invaluable to recovery. I want to thank Michael from the depths of my heart for sharing his story so openly and for supporting Amber so wonderfully during such a difficult experience. I hope this provides invaluable insight for new or expecting fathers who may either find themselves in a similar situation or know someone who is already there.

What makes you tick? Tell us a little bit about who you are!

I enjoy business – specifically the retail real estate business.  I enjoy all aspects of my business.  I spend a good portion of my time dedicated to being successful in my work so that I can provide for my family.  I also enjoy spending time training Gracie jiu jitsu; its something that I have always wanted to get into before but didn’t have the opportunity.  When we moved to Atlanta and I found a place to train and I immediately began.  I am a morning person!  I like to get up very early before others to accomplish things.  I am generally waiting for the gym to open at 4:45am when I arrive.   Sometimes they let us in early.  On nights that I am not at jiu jitsu, I play the guitar and enjoy spending time with my family.

You’ve walked the dark path of Postpartum Depression with your wife. Share with us what it was like to watch the woman you loved seemingly slip away into a dark shell.

It was awful.  I saw a highly motivated and capable person become so helpless and undergo such a radical change.  It is almost as if you no longer know the person.  They are someone else.  It was very difficult for me because I didn’t really believe it was happening.  I thought that it would go away on its own.  But, when Amber came to me and recognized that she was in need of professional help I knew that it was serious.  It was  very difficult to deal with.  I had to change my work schedule and Amber had to even come with me to work some days.  It was almost as if she had regressed mentally to a 4 year old.  She had to be at my side almost 24-7.  You can’t believe it until you experience it.

How did your faith support you through Amber’s recovery?

It helped in many ways.  One of the biggest was seeing the outpouring of help from our church community.  Even people who we did not expect to come through for us came and truly tried to make a difference in our lives and help us with this difficult situation.  As a result of having gone through this, my faith has grown stronger and I can now see why God chose this to happen to my wife.

What has it been like to see your wife take something so painful and turn it into such a point of strength and grace?

It has been really nice. I know she enjoys it. Anytime you go through a challenge and are able to transform it into a positive aspect of others lives I believe it is the ultimate blessing you can receive.  Amber has done this.  She has put her heart and soul into a blog, website, communicating with others, and constantly trying to reach out and help others. It is very commendable. I love her for it. It feels really good to know that she wants to help others. She took the situation, transformed it, and is giving it back to God by helping others. It’s the only way to live.

Did PPD affect your marriage? If so, how?

Yes, in many ways. It has changed our plans for future children (we had previously wanted a larger family.) We had to change our schedules and had to change the dynamics of our child-rearing than we had previously planned. You see, Amber and I had initially thought about having several children, however when she went through such a severe PPMD it really changed her desire and made her feel as if she could never handle more than one child, as she could barely physically and emotionally handle this one. As she had continued to get better, I believe her opinion continues to change slightly. For the first 3 or 4 months I had to do the lion’s share of the night-time wakings, because she needed to rest. At first I think I resented her for it, but now I think it helped me to build an irreplaceable bond with my son. While it was difficult at the time, I am very much thankful for the opportunity to do that because the benefits clearly outweigh the sacrifice I made. Hey, whats a few hours sleep for a guy who gets up at 4:30am anyways? I think as a result we take specific time in our day to better ourselves- praying together, reading and discussing books together, etc. We truly want each other to grow and develop everyday as individuals and parents. We are much more committed to each other. Not just to having our marriage be ok or something we endure, but to flourish. It also changed how we now interact. We have a different relationship. It’s much stronger.
Fathers need to remember not to lose themselves in the process of parenting. What is it that you do to just hang out and be a “guy”?

Jiu Jitsu.  I train.  For me, jiu jitsu offers me the opportunity to escape.  Going to the gym is similar, but jiu jitsu provides me the one on one competition that drives me to do better every day.  I think one of the reasons I like it so much is that I wrestled as a child.  I always enjoyed wrestling and jiu jitsu is similar, but you wear a gi instead and the object is to submit an opponent vs. pin them.  Outside of that, I really like to watch football.  College, NFL, it doesn’t matter!  My wife will watch “our teams,” but can’t understand at all why I would watch other games.  For me, this is how I relax…sitting on the couch or in my chair, with a cold beer Sweetwater 420 (shameless local beer plug!) in my hand.  That’s my release.

3 things that made me laugh…

Telling others a story about how a rock hit my windshield.
My son saying “mango” as one of his first words.
Remembering when my wife saw a coyote walking down the middle of our street when she had PPD.  I asked her if it was real.  She replied, “I am crazy, but not THAT crazy!”  The next day we got a notice about a neighborhood coyote spotting.  :)

What do you find the most and least challenging about fatherhood?

Having patience with my son has been challenging.  I sell things…I am a salesman.  I have absolutely NO patience for anything and I don’t care to.  For me, patience was not important at all.  But now, with my son, I start to realize that there are times where it is needed.  I think that because my love for him is so strong I am able to be more patient and give him the attention that he needs.

I think just having fun with my son comes easily and naturally to me.  Ball, guitar, piano, wrestling, etc.  If there is one thing that I know how to do, it’s how to have fun!  I have spent my whole life enjoying every moment.  Get the fullest out of life.  I want to look back and say I wouldn’t have done anything differently.  It’s the only way to live.

Amber’s PPD Support means…

Alot to me because it means a lot to her.  I think it is important to her.  It helps her grow as a person and move past this terrible part of her life that occurred.

Advice…

This is REAL.  It can happen to anyone.  Don’t feel badly.  Don’t try to hide it.  Don’t ignore it.  Seek professional help right away.  Be more proactive in finding out how your spouse is feeling postpartum.  Ask her- Are you feeling overwhelmed?  Are you feeling depressed?  Can we go for a walk and talk?  Observe her.  Is she getting enough rest?  She is human, too.  She needs more than 2 hours of sleep a day.  Is she getting it?  You are much better off taking the necessary time off in the beginning to try to avoid a PPMD getting worse than to let it evolve untreated.  It will get worse before better.  In closing you’ll note that in the beginning it may be harder to detect, but easier to cure.  While left untreated, it will become VERY apparent and much more difficult to cure.  My suggestion is to be proactive.  It really can happen to your family.

Coping with Depression after PPD

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Sue McRoberts, author of Lifter of My Head: How God Sustained me through Postpartum Depression, recently blogged about her recent revisit with depression. I asked Sue for permission to share her words here and she graciously granted it. So here are her words, her story about coping with depression after surviving Postpartum Depression. To keep up with how Sue is doing or to offer words of encouragement, you can visit her blog by clicking here.

I have taken quite some time to reflect on 2008 and contemplate what 2009 might hold.  This past year has been a mixed bag of good and bad.  I am thrilled for my husband and his wonderful new job that has brought us to Indiana.  But this move has been pretty hard on me.  Ten days after we left Minneapolis for Indianapolis my dear Aunt Carolyn died.  I felt like I’d lost my mother and immediate support system all in one swoop that month.  How do you make new friends in a new place when you are hurting twenty four hours a day?  How do you even talk to someone when you have nothing but tears and grief?  For six months I suffered because I had no idea what to do with all my grief.  To make matters worse, once again, I felt like I’d never even existed in Minnesota.  I found myself missing my friends way more than they missed me.  It was deja vu and painful.  I had no idea what to do with all my pain.  So I spiraled downward and found myself in a familiar place.  With no church home and no friends to speak of I found myself desperately depressed.  I did a weird thing with God that I don’t recall doing before.  I ran and hid.  I didn’t want his comfort or peace. I wanted to hurt and hurt.  I avoided any scriptures that would offer comfort.   I read stories and parables and things Paul wrote;  I avoided anything David wrote.  It was completely different that when I had PPD.  Each and every day I wanted to feel better, to feel human.  This time around I did not want to feel better.  I wanted my friends and church back.  I wanted my aunt back.  I reasoned that if I felt better then I didn’t really miss these people.  I wondered if somehow it would mean I was okay with Carolyn being gone if I didn’t cry every single day.  I cried each day for six months when I finally decided to address what was happening.  I admitted publicly that I was struggling with depression…again…and it cost me some huge opportunities professionally in ministry.  I was devastated as I never predicted such an outcome of my honesty.  It took me six weeks of reeling in pain to reach the point where I called my doctor for help.  My world felt like a bottomless, foggy pit and the medicine and medical support gave me a floor to stand on.  I am now reading the Psalms again and clinging to God for strength and hope.  I’ve decided to quit being a stubborn mule and ask Him for his loving comfort.  For some reason I felt like I needed to prove to God that I could do this by myself, boy that was dumb.  So here I am feeling pretty darn healthy.  I’m running and training for my first half marathon.  I’m sleeping well and I’ve stopped crying.  I’m reading a book about grief that is helping me sort out my world post Carolyn.  I’m determined to figure out how to live in my new world in Indiana.  I will continue to encourage people to see their doctor if they are depressed for months on end.  I take a pill and I’m okay with that.  Not everyone in ministry is.  I’m in a good place now and I’m able to pray for them, pray that they will never experience the depths of depression that I have.  I pray they will never understand the pain I’ve felt.  And I’m grateful to God for new opportunities that he’s already brought me.  I am hopeful that I will find my place in this world and that God will grow me up some more in the process.  So here’s to a new year, a new year for a better me, and for a better you.

Be lifted!

Sue

Isaiah 43:18-19

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Ugly Babies and Postnatal Depression? REALLY?

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Ok, so there are no words for this one. Maybe there are. But they are not nice ones. I, well, let’s just say some things have slipped out of my mouth in reaction to this doozy that I am not proud of at all. Justified, yes. Nice? Heck no.

Study: “Ugly” Babies and Postnatal Depression

Contact Information for Dr. Reiner Sprengelmeyer

My email to Dr. Reiner Sprengelmeyer just moments ago:

Dear Dr Reiner Sprengelmeyer:

My name is Lauren Hale and I am a two time survivor of Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder along with a Major Depressive Episode who now dedicates her time providing peer support and education to families who find themselves struggling with a Perinatal Mood Disorder or Paternal Postnatal Depression. I also blog – something I started doing after discovering an unplanned third pregnancy.

I read an article today regarding the recent research you did in which the cuteness sensitivity of young women, men, and menopausal women towards babies was studied. At the end of the article, it stated the researchers planned to study further to uncover if there was a link between the cuteness and Postnatal Depression. I have to admit that I find this vein of research very difficult to understand and I am hoping you would be willing to shed some light on how any conclusion of this research would end in a positive for women struggling with Postnatal Depression. I can tell you that both of my children with whom I suffered PPD are absolutely beautiful and we have constantly been stopped by strangers (and continue to be even now when they are older) to be told how beautiful our children are. How do you dare to even imply to a mother who is already grappling with tremendous guilt about her depressed state that it *may* have something to do with her “ugly” baby? If there is any sympathetic bone in your body, please do not continue with this research. The conclusions can only lead to negativity and harm. If you feel differently, I sincerely would like to hear your side of the story as to why this research is necessary.

Warmest,

Lauren Hale

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that. Hrmph.

Sweet Freedom

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The first lesson I have learned this past year is never ever to take anything for granted. The second? To truly hand over the reins of life to God. As long as He is in control, doors will be opened.

I had no idea how much my life would change when my car glided so gracefully in the mist into another vehicle at 10:00pm on a dark March night.

But it did change. My husband’s addiction was exposed. Lies and dishonesty was brutally served up on a broken platter that had been gilded with gold but was now covered in dust and cobwebs. Once again I very easily could have found myself in the depths of despair, dirt beneath my fingernails, struggling with every shallow and panicked breath to reach the top for fresh air. Instead I swallowed deeply and exhaled, strengthening every fiber in my being to stand planted firmly in my faith and my belief that this beast would not knock me down as long as God’s compassion and support remained on my side.

The beast may have won some skirmishes but it did not win the battle. My resolve, along with God’s strength, are no match for whatever may come at us through life.

Today, this particular battle ended.

My retribution has been paid. My probation has ended. I am blissfully a free member of society and no longer under the shadow and ever attentive eyes of the criminal justice system. Man it feels good to be free. One of my college professors oft quoted that one truly cannot appreciate joy until one has experienced the burst of sour grapes upon the palate. What an applicable quote for today.

I am also reminded of a bible verse which instructs us to put things in the past behind us and move forward – remind us that this is true wisdom.

photo courtesy Pezlet of Flickr

photo courtesy Pezlet of Flickr

So this is me. Putting it behind me and not looking back. Much like a butterfly freeing itself from the cocoon in which it has miraculously undergone so many changes. It’s my turn to fly away.