So this month has not been the best month of my life.

First, the car breaks down. (and no, we still don’t have it back!)

Second, my husband attempted to put my christmas money on a debit card so I could buy some nursing bras and whatever else I wanted to…. and I purchased $160 worth of nursing bras (6 of them!) and nearly $35 worth of tea from a great place (Harney & Sons – I’m such a tea snob now!) only to discover that the money was never put on the card. Not my husband’s fault – the company who does the card never put it on there. I’m now on week two of waiting for them to fix the problem. In the meantime, i’m stuck in camisoles with built in bras and a sports bra. I had purchased a nursing tank BUT can’t use it because it causes me to have plugged ducts. URGH.

Third, thrush has returned. I am now on an Anti-Candida diet which pretty much bites because it’s a no-carb diet. It’s forcing me to really think outside of the box when preparing my meals but it’s also helping me to realize how to eat healthier, something I wanted to do anyways so I guess that’s a bonus.

Fourth – I had a reallllllllly bad day Thursday. Intrusive thoughts, exhausted, snapping at everyone for anything, just really angry and easily irritable. I tried to call my OB on Friday for the thrush & the bad day, but they didn’t return my call. Nevermind that I called them twice and have a major history including hospitalization. I haven’t called back yet because I am still pissed they didn’t call me and don’t really want to end up sounding like a pissy patient on the phone instead of an intelligent self-advocating patient. I will probably call back later today. I guess what really gets me about this is that I CHOSE this physician because of his office’s reputation for dealing with PPD – it was a very positive one and I knew that I had the potential of needing great care in the postpartum period.

I’ve since gotten a ton of sleep since Thursday so I am feeling better but still plan on calling the OB to let them know I’m having bad days (which are ok – it’s if the bad days start stringing together and you can’t remember your last good day that you should realllly start to be concerned!) and see if they can’t prescribe something that I can take “as needed” in addition to my current medication.

We’ve come up with a solution for our little Charlotte Monkey – if she doesn’t listen to us, we put her in the pack and play which is set up in the living room each morning. So far she’s only had to go in it twice and that was on the first day (Friday). However, this girl is FEARLESS. I have found her on the dining room table at least twice a day since Thursday. URGH. And to top things off, Alli keeps undressing her in the morning so Charlotte runs around naked – in the cold because Charlotte keeps turning their heater off. *sighs* Thank GOD I am able to let go of most of this stuff because if I wasn’t able to do so – yeah, I think I’d be back in the hospital. But I realize they’re just kids and this is going to happen.

Speaking of stuff happening, yesterday Alli took a header off the end of the couch behind Chris’ end table and ended up busting her lip, poor thing. One second she was reaching for the remote and the next, I saw her little feet flying through the air and she was screaming. I unlatched Cameron and rescued her. She got an ice pop for her lip and was quite content thereafter. She’s been having a really clumsy week and I think it’s because she’s going through a growth spurt. I feel sorry for her but it’s like watching America’s Funniest Videos. You know you SHOULDN’T want to laugh when someone gets whacked in the nuts or falls face first into the wedding cake and collapses the whole table while trying to dance but before you have a chance to censor yourself, a snort escapes and then it’s a full blown giggle and you feel horrible but can’t help it! Yeah, it’s been like that.

I have a habit when I’m nursing. I use a ring to keep up with what side I need to start on at the next feeding. With Alli, I used one of Chris’ rings. With Charlotte, well, I double pumped for her so no need for a ring. This time around I decided to treat myself to a new ring, one with symbolism. I ended up purchasing a silver butterfly ring and have been using it for a couple of days now.

A butterfly signifies growth and freedom, something I want to be reminded of all the time and when I’m constantly moving the ring or even looking at my hands, I am reminded of how far I’ve come since Motherhood first crashed into my life and I am amazed at how much differently I’m handling things this time around. I finally feel that I am the Mother I always dreamed of being and it is an amazingly empowering rush of emotion. Some days I can’t believe how strong I really am!

We are still medicating but the patches on Cameron’s tongue have dissipated and our nursing sessions are less painful. I am faithfully changing my nursing pads and using the vinegar solution a couple of times a day. We’ve added lotrimin to the mix for poor Cameron’s diaper rash. Hopefully things will continue to improve.

Cameron goes on Monday for his PKU retest. Still no explanation as to why it is needed because the office was busy when Chris called to schedule. I’m not even worrying about it anymore. Not going to until I have to….no need to add extra stress to an already full plate.