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Sharing the Journey with Susan Dowd-Stone

As the immediate past President of Postpartum Support International, Susan continues to be committed to supporting women with Postpartum Mood Disorders through advocacy and treatment. Susan has been very encouraging towards the beginnings of my work and advocacy with Postpartum Mood Disorders which has been very meaningful to me. As President of PSI, she was aided in the development of a series of PSA’s with CBS that highlighted increased awareness of PPMD’s and has also been very active in support for The MOTHER’S Act. She maintains a private practice, Blue Sky Consulting as well as a website, Perinatal Pro. Thank you for all your hard work and for being such an influential voice for so many women, Susan. We are fortunate to have such a wonderfully compassionate ally!

Susan, along with Alexis Menken, have put together a wonderful book, Perinatal and Postpartum Disorders: Perspectives and Treatment Guide for the Health Care Practitioner. This book offers a major resource for healthcare professionals, mental health professionals, and medical, nursing, psychology, and social work students who will be confronting this problem in their practices. The contributions, by renowned experts, fill a glaring gap in the knowledge professionals need in order to successfully manage maternal mental health. Click here to order.

Tell us a little about yourself – just who IS Susan Dowd Stone when she’s not advocating for women and families struggling with Postpartum Mood Disorders?

An empty nester, I enjoy teaching and clinical social work. I am ardently involved in the promotion of animal assisted therapy, i.e. exploring and demonstrating the curative powers of our animal companions in therapeutic settings. Through associations with Angels on a Leash and The Delta Society I have initiated and helped sustain AAT programs in hospitals. After the death of my canine partner,I began facilitating a pet bereavement program on a volunteer basis and writing a column on pet loss for the Animal Companion Magazine. Deeply mourning the loss of companion animals is sometimes viewed askance leading to another form of disenfranchised grief. Currently I evaluate teams of handlers and animals for hospital work and live with 3 spoiled dogs and a husband who completely enables this.

I see many human parallels in maternal animal behavior which has broadened my understanding of birth trauma. For example, I watched a show on HBO called “Weeping Camel” about a mother camel who had an excruciating breach birth. When her baby was born after two agonizing days, she rejected it. The movie focused on frantic efforts to effect that maternal infant bond, seemingly to no avail. Finally a shaman was called in to play soothing music while the baby was again brought to his mother. The moment of reunification was deeply moving. Yet, when human mothers suffer greatly during pregnancy, the birth process or its aftermath, we unrealistically maintain expectations of immediate maternal bonding and bliss.

How did you get involved in advocating for women and families struggling with PMD’s?

As a social worker in the Department of Psychiatry at Hackensack University Medical Center, I was charged with guiding the hospital’s implementation of the emerging, but not yet passed, NJ PPD legislative mandates. We initiated a free mother baby support group and invited every mother who gave birth at HUMC to attend. In addition, we developed a postpartum depression psychotherapy program for women identified or diagnosed with a perinatal mood disorder. As the programs facilitator I became more involved in the process and developed awareness of my own isolating experience with the illness, never acknowledged and never treated. I then became involved in a specialty peer group, was recruited by PSI to be their conference chair and then their president. The legislative work continues and I believe we will prevail.

Postpartum Mood Disorders are receiving more and more press coverage these days. Recognition and even treatment options have come a long way but in your opinion, what else needs to happen to improve the current atmosphere and attitude towards these disorders?

We need to spread the message that these are MEDICAL ILLNESSES with true biological underpinnings. It neither signifies weakness or strength if a woman does or does not develop a pregnancy related mood disorder. These disorders have no association to a woman’s character. Such stigma is crippling to progress understanding and obscures our ability to appropriately respond. The only time we can surely associate character with PPD is through acknowledgement of the tremendous bravery and courage it takes each woman to reach out and accept needed help.

We often encourage mothers to remember to take time for themselves. What is it that YOU do to recharge your batteries?

Top of the list is spending time with my “baby” girl Julia now 29. Like any proud mom, being in her presence brings incomparable joy which keeps me buzzed long after our lunches or conversations have ended.She’s a an intelligent hard working entertainment news executive who retains her grace and tender heart. My husband and I hike, read and sometimes just watch the sky. We are easily entertained by simple pleasures.

I find great solace and restoration in nature and try to practice Mindfulness when stressed. I am captivated by hummingbirds. Their population peaks in August when the babies start coming to the feeders; they do not know fear and will perch a foot away and watch you intently, a truly magical exchange. It reminds me that fear is a learned response. Their long migration every fall to Mexico and return to their same home each spring is profoundly wondrous natural mystery.

I am always interested in new and different therapies used in treating PMD’s. Would you share a little bit with us about EMDR as a type of therapy? What is the basic idea behind this therapy and who would typically benefit from it the most?

EMDR can be a powerful adjunct to psycho dynamic or CBT oriented therapy. It is an empirically validated treatment with solid research to support its application in trauma, but its mechanisms are not entirely understood. Theory postulates that stimulation of eye movement “loosens” traumatic memories held either by the body without conscious awareness, or stored in our brains’s trauma sector (the amygdala) where their reactivation can be stimulated by sights sound and smells associated with the original trauma. This may cause the victim to feel as if they are re experiencing the event and its accompanying feelings of terror and helplessness.

EMDR seems to enhance the conscious processing of such memories allowing analysis and sometimes rapid resolution of troubling symptoms when managed in a secure safe environment. EMDR is especially helpful in supporting recovery from PTSD including war and other disasters. Offered prior to infant delivery it can help increase levels of tolerance and acceptance in women who have suffered physical or sexual abuse in the past, or who are fearful about delivery. In addition, it can be helpful in the postpartum for women who have had traumatic birth experiences and are “stuck” in an endless loop of traumatic recollection.

I also use EMDR to “install” positive associations between achievement of new skills and feelings of mastery. As interpersonal challenges often accompany new motherhood, many women are motivated to choose different behavioral options to better parent their child. This offers mothers and clinicians alike a unique therapeutic opportunity to remediate long standing issues.

EMDR is not appropriate for women who are experiencing suicidal ideation, who evidence psychosis, or who are extremely anxious. It should always be offered within a supportive psychotherapy framework AFTER the mood has stabilized and works best in this context as an adjunct treatment to supportive therapy.

What is your philosophy regarding your approach to Postpartum Depression? How did you develop this philosophy?

First, that it is a medical illness with optimal recovery dependent on attention to biological, psychological AND social support issues.

Secondly, NO TWO ILLNESSES or RECOVERY PLANS are alike. I am outraged when I hear someone discouraging a woman from doing what she, her doctor and her family feels will best help her recovery. The incredible guilt associated with these disorders is often unbearable, increasing and prolonging associated symptoms. Well meaning loved ones can make it worse by presenting comparisons and opinions which invalidate sufferers experience.

This philosophy was developed witnessing the agony of women who felt like failures if they were unable to live up to recovery or treatment expectations set forth by others – including practitioners!!! If one recovery plan is not working, we need a new plan… As one of my therapy icons Marsha Linehan of DBT fame says, clients don’t fail, but treatment can!!

What advice would you give to medical professionals who may come in contact with a mother who is depressed? What are some of the best things they could do for this mom? What should they not do?

If depression is identified at a medical visit, an immediate referral should be given for further assessment, along with respectful reassurance that the mother is “not alone, not to blame and with help she will be well!” (PSI’s motto). This simple early validation goes a long way to mediate a mother’s sense of fear, shame, failure and isolation.

Many medical practitioners do not want to be in the business of mental health as their training and practice may not have prepared them for this additional challenge. But developing a referral list of professionals with a specialty in maternal mental health is both doable and essential for obstetrical and pediatric practitioners. This could lead to greater likelihood of more rapid engagement in the recovery process.

No one should EVER say…”Don’t worry, You’ll get over it, this is normal, go home and enjoy your new baby!! Even if a physician has known their patient for 30 years, all bets are off when rapid emotional and hormonal shifts introduce new and powerful vulnerabilities. The moment for connection is then lost and the silent suffering resumes. Many solid homes that lasted through decades of natural wear and tear on the Texas coast couldn’t survive Hurricane Ike! But we don’t blame the builder!

I feel family support is essential to postpartum recovery. What can we do to foster family involvement in the recovery period?

While we are doing a better job of implementing social support for moms, how about support groups for partners? They often feel ignored in the process and may develop their own feelings of depression as dreams of parental bliss are challenged by a mystery illness claiming their partner while increasing their responsibilities. How about friends and family members who want to know WHAT TO DO. Women often ask me “Can you tell that to my husband, father, mother, sister??” So I bring in the immediate circle who are often grateful for clear information about what is happening to their loved one and how to best support them.

Family and partners MUST be part of the recovery plan. The social work perspective tells us that without environmental (as well as psychological and biological) adjustments, stressors may continue which prolong the primary episode. My assessment always includes inquiry about what has always been important in this new mother’s life, what she has found comforting in the past. If she rates her spirituality at 10, we explore how to incorporate such options. It’s not just about focus on psychological dynamics, mothering skills and past and present relationships, but on reintroducing the uniquely individual environmental and emotional supports that make each woman’s life worth living.

What is it that you are most grateful for today?

The capacity to love and exchange ideas with others. Solid belief in God and country. Optimism.

And last but not least, if you had a chance to give an expectant mother (new or experienced) one piece of advice, what would you tell her?

Successfully parenting your child requires diligent attention to your own needs. Self care and self love are no longer optional and illusive concepts, but requirements of motherhood.

Sharing the Journey with Dan

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I first stumbled across Dan’s blog (LABAIRI) quite awhile back. I left a comment and he emailed me to thank me for my kind words. We’ve kept in touch here and there, mostly I read his Twitter updates. (I Twitter too – unxpctdblessing is my username there) A few weeks ago I asked him if he would be willing to do an interview as he is a dad who has PPD experience. Dan opened up and is very honest and forward with his answers. I sincerely hope you enjoy today’s interview as much as I did when I first received his reply!

Would you share with us your insight on your wife’s journey as she struggled with PPD?

Jenna suffered PPD with all three of our children. Each time was different, PPD isn’t the same for every woman – it’s not even the same for one woman! The second bought was the worst. It was just a dark time – so dark that there are moments during that year that Jenna and I don’t even remember. We look at pictures and have no idea the circumstances. The darkness was just overwhelming. Nothing was right and everything was difficult. She suffered a lot, and I was really at a loss at how I’d be able to help her through this.
What were some of the first signs you noticed that made you think things weren’t quite right?

During the first time around, we didn’t know this was even happening – only 5 years ago, but awareness has come a LONG way since then. But looking back I guess there was a huge lack of motivation to do anything from getting out of bed in the morning to get up in the middle of the night to feed our son. It seemed odd – but we thought that this must just be sheer exhaustion from Jenna also working part-time. Plus, during those first 8 months after Liam was born, our relationship was tanking. I remember thinking if this is what marriage is like after kids that I didn’t want any more of them. (You can laugh – we have three and another on the way from Ethiopia!)

How have you grown as a man and as a father as a result of PPD?

Wow, great question. As a father, PPD grew me up really fast. As Jenna had moments where she was unable to care for the kids as she would have liked, I had no choice but to step in and make it work. I wasn’t secure in my parenting skills by any stretch of the imagination (the first diaper I ever changed was Liam’s). But I loved my family more than life, and these times forced me to step up to the responsibility.

As a man, I know I am more sensitive to expectant and new mothers. I know how hard it can be. I know the hell that it can be on the family. I advocate for fathers to step up and care for their wives as this is the “for better or for worse” part of the vows we made before God. I’ve never been a “manly-man” with the barefoot and pregnant mentality, but this time reinforced that caring for our wives as Christ loves the church is the only way to make a marriage work. There is a lot of sacrifice to be made as a husband/father, with or without PPD. I’m definitely a better person for having been through this with Jenna.

How did your faith support you through your journey?

WOW. We couldn’t have done this without our faith. Almost without a doubt, without our faith we would never have made it through that first year after Liam. Those were really dark times. The Psalms were a great comfort as we journeyed though PPD. David talks so often of going through the valley and crying out to God for help. Those passages of lament gave words to the cry of our hearts, cries that found words difficult to come by. We also couldn’t have done this without our faith community. Especially after PPD was diagnosed and we could talk about it with some clarity, people brought us meals, they stayed with us and helped out wherever they could. The support structure our faith community gave us was invaluable and at least for me reaffirmed the beauty of the local church and the potential she has to do good in this world.

What do you love about being a father?

Coming home from work and having a little person scream “DADDY!” at the top of her lungs while running to give me a bear hug! Those moments make all of the bad ones disappear in seconds.

What lessons have you learned from PPD?

Hmm. What first comes to mind is that no one is immune from pain. I think we all figure that PPD (or anything else bad) won’t happen to us. Jenna had NEVER suffered any sort of depression before PPD. There were absolutely no warning signs on this one. We never prepared ourselves for the worst. Jenna and I had no plan for PPD when it happened, no safety net or plan b. As a result, we’re going through an adoption right now, which is going very well. But in the back of my mind, I’m preparing for what might go wrong – and there is plenty to go wrong in international adoptions. It’s given me a healthy dose of preparedness that I’d never had before.

Depression isn’t just a bad thing. I know, that sounds like an insane statement to make, but let me explain. Depression allows you for a time to see life, and perhaps embrace life, as it really is – broken and in desperate need of repair. As a result of PPD, I savor even the “just OK” times in life because I know how bad it can get.

People are good. Surrounding yourself with a support network is one of the best things you can do for PPD. Do this before you experience tragedy; experience the joys of community as well.

Share with us some of the ways you were able to participate in your wife’s recovery.

1. Realize that this is something that I can’t fix. Once that was cemented into my head, I was free to just be the best husband / father I could be.

2. Take over duties/chores. Taking away the stresses – cleaning, cooking, etc. – that I could seemed to free her mind to think about the kids. Along with this, I also had the freedom to flex my hours at work. I stayed home until the kids were fed and clothed. I was home for the bedtime routine and canceled my evening appointments. This isn’t easy, but this speaks VOLUMES to your wife – you’re making her a priority.

3. I went with her to her first PPD group meeting. I wanted to show my support, even if it was just driving her to the wellness center so she didn’t feel like she’d get lost. Along with this, I made her being able to go to PPD group a priority. I rearranged my schedule, took appointments out of my schedule, etc. To make that happen.

4. I made every effort to help her start Life After Baby, the support group she started at our church – helping design web images, fliers, etc. She has since graduated from the group herself, but the group will still meet with new leadership this coming year.

Let’s face it. Parenting is not easy. What are some of your most difficult daily parenting challenges?

We now have three kids. Jenna’s pretty much recovered from her third trip through PPD (this hasn’t been the worst, just the longest – Addi is 2). Daily challenges: navigating the kids through the best friends/worst enemy phase of being siblings. They can turn on a dime, and helping them work through the worst enemy side of that coin is not easy. Finding alone time with each of the kids and making sure that each is getting a good amount of personal attention. And I guess that last challenge would be more on the marriage side of things, but making sure that Jenna and I don’t lose touch in the process of caring for the kids. It’s easy to focus everything on them and give the leftovers to each other. We’ve got to make each other a priority!

Shameless plug time. Tell us about your blog and why you started it.

My blog: labairi (or life as best as I remember it) was started basically as an outlet for me to write my thoughts on life. I’m an avid journal writer, and figured I’d put that to good use for the world to read–No grand ambitions, just a guy and his thoughts. It’s definitely evolved in the past three years as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent with what’s actually going on sharing our journey and my thoughts on PPD as well as my own bouts with depression and anxiety. Since starting the blog, it’s been amazing to see what being transparent can do. I’ve connected and helped several PPD dads and family members helping them walk through some of the worst moments. I’ve been able to read books on fatherhood sent to me by authors. And I’ve just met some incredibly cool people that encourage me to be a better person. My blog is sometimes serious, sometimes fun, but always real.

And last but not least – if you had a chance to share one piece of advice with an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be?

Embrace every moment good and bad, you can’t get them back. Choose your family above your golf game and if you can help it, your work life. You may make less money, but in the long run you’ll be investing in something that lasts for eternity.

Sharing the Journey with YOU (Take II)!

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There was ONE taker last time for this interview (Thanks Heather!)

So c’mon – just five questions. You never know who you might help by sharing your story with the rest of us because even though they’re similar, each one has their own unique nuances and experiences that may just reach out and inspire a Mom or someone close to a Mom to get help for her!

1) What is your personal experience with PPD? Are you a survivor, partner, parent, medical professional?

2) Has your experience with PPD changed your life? If so, how?

3) What are some of your favorite PPD resources?

4) What role, if any, did your faith play in recovery or in your treatment views of PPD?

5) And last but not least – If you could pass on one piece of advice to an expecting mother, what would it be and why?

Sharing the Journey with Adrienne Griffen

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Meet Adrienne Griffen, an amazing woman, mother, PPD Survivor, and fellow PSI Coordinator.

Adrienne has been volunteering with PSI for about as long as I have and is located in VA. She recently launched her own non-profit, Postpartum Support Virginia.Not only is she one dedicated woman, she’s from my home state, VA. Gotta show the love, right?

Her first postpartum experience was awesome – she even held a dinner party for 40 people when her new daughter was just three months old! (YOU GO GIRL!) It was with her second child that events quickly spiraled out of control and Adrienne found herself struggling for someone, anyone, to listen compassionately to her and show her the way back out. Finally her husband located a physician who specialized in women’s mood disorders. Adrienne began to recover having finally located the correct help. Her third pregnancy was a lot like mine – she stayed on her meds, educated her doctors (even received an apology) and received a screening questionnaire at her 6 week checkup. (By the way, HAVE you written or called your Senator about the MOTHER’S ACT yet?) Impressed with how far the medical community had come, Adrienne felt great and was now fully dedicated to improving things even more. Read on to find out more…

Just like me, you’ve been driven to help other Moms struggling with PPD through an experience of your own. Would you mind sharing that experience with us and why it inspires you to help other mothers?

After my second child was born six years ago, I had a fairly significant episode of postpartum depression and anxiety. I knew something was wrong because everything about this birth and postpartum period was the opposite of my first experience with childbirth two years earlier. My second delivery was rather traumatic (emergency C-section); my second baby ate more, slept less, and cried more than my first; I had a toddler AND a newborn (which I believe is the hardest stage thus far of parenting); I was totally sleep deprived; and I just couldn’t imagine how I was going to survive the next 18 years until this baby went off to college, never mind the next 5 minutes. Compounding my misery was the fact that my next-door-neighbor had just had her second, and my sister just had her fourth, and they made it look so easy.

The hardest part was finding help. Despite realizing that something was terribly amiss, I couldn’t find the help I needed — or at least the help I wanted. At my 6-week postpartum, I told the OB/GYN that I wasn’t feeling well, and without any discussion she offered me Prozac. When I called the Behavioral Medicine branch of my HMO, I was hoping for a verbal hug from someone who could reassure me that others had felt like this and that help was available. Instead, I was told to call back during normal business hours, overheard the intake nurse tell her supervisor I was “homicidal”, was told that they would report me to Child Protective Services if I had hurt my children, and was charged two co-pays since I saw a nurse AND a doctor. The psychiatrist recommended sleeping pills — I wasn’t sure if he meant for me or for my baby. I called mental health providers but couldn’t find anyone accepting new patients. I called about support groups, only to be told that they were now defunct. I saw a psychologist for several months who never understood how desperate I was. I felt like I was banging my head on a brick wall. Finally, when my son was six months old, my husband located a psychiatrist who specializes in women’s mood disorders and gave me the reassurance and care I needed.

I vowed during this time that I would someday do something so that others could find help more easily. This isn’t rocket science. PPD is relatively easily diagnosed and treated. The hard part is getting information to new mothers and connecting them to health care resources.

Tell us about your organization, Postpartum Support VA. How long has this been in the works and what does it feel like to finally have it up and running?

Postpartum Support Virginia is a not-for-profit organization providing hope and help for new mothers through:

support for new and expectant mothers (one-on-one and group support)
information and resources for new mothers and their families
outreach and education

I think of it as an umbrella covering all the activities ongoing in Virginia dealing with postpartum depression. The website (www.postpartumva.org) lists telephone and email volunteers, support groups, and mental health professionals who treat women with postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders.

I’ve been thinking about creating an organization like Postpartum Support Virginia for about three years, ever since I started to volunteer with mothers experiencing postpartum issues. But with three young children (they are now 8, 6 1/2, and 3) I couldn’t devote the time and energy until now. My approach has been to build the infrastructure first, then put the superstructure in place.

In other words, I’ve spent the last few years laying the foundation — helping other volunteers get started, speaking to maternal/child health care providers, leading support groups, networking with others involved with PPD throughout Virginia, attending PSI conferences. The past six months have been about formalizing these operations — creating a not-for-profit organization, building a website, creating a board of directors. The next few months will be focused on fund raising. Postpartum Support Virginia is still in its infant stage, and I really feel like I’ve given birth to my fourth child.

What do you find to be the most rewarding about helping other PPD Moms and families?

There is such joy in helping these new mothers who are swirling around in the whirlpool of depression and anxiety. To see the change after they get the help they need is so rewarding. In particular, seeing a new mother fall in love with her baby is amazing. And to receive feedback like this email from a mom who attended one of our support groups makes it all worthwhile:

“Thank you from the bottom of my heart. The knowledge and encouragement that you all gave me in only 2 visits put me on the path to a better life than I ever could have imagined. I went from the worst time in my life to the happiest I have ever been so I am very grateful. Thank you so very much.”
How did your husband handle your PPD? Any advice for dads struggling to cope with their partner’s PPD?

My husband kept our little family going while I had PPD. He researched this illness and found the psychiatrist who finally helped me. He would come home from work at a moment’s notice when I was falling apart. Whenever I feel guilty about how he carried me through this time, he reminds me that is what marriage is all about. Spouses who see their partners suffer PPD, please remember that this is not her fault, you are not alone, and with help she will be well again.
What is the most challenging thing about motherhood?

The most challenging thing about motherhood is being mentally present for each of my children. They are each so special and unique, requiring different parenting skills from me, that it takes time and energy to give each what s/he deserves.
What is your most favorite thing about motherhood?

The same as all other mothers – BEDTIME! Just kidding.

Three things:

I love making my children smile.
I love seeing the progression towards independence, which is bittersweet but the goal of good parenting.
I love watching the sibling relationship develop.

How long have you been a PSI Coordinator and how did you first find out about PSI?

I have been a PSI coordinator for two years. I heard about PSI from another PPD survivor and volunteer, Benta Sims, who raved about the conference she attended a few years ago. Joining PSI gave me the sense of connectedness and credibility that I needed to do this type of volunteer work.

What do you do when you take time for YOU?

Oh, I take LOTS of time for me to ensure I have time and energy for my family. On a daily basis I exercise and nap — in fact, I have taken a nap virtually every day since I was pregnant with my first child almost 10 years ago. I go to bed at 10:00 every night (except tonight while I am answering these questions!). I see a therapist, go to a chiropractor, get monthly therapeutic massages, and practice yoga. I host coffee once a week with three great neighbors — we solve each other’s problems and keep each other on track. And I have terrific in-laws who take my children for a few days once a year so I can revel in being alone in my own home. This is the best gift ever — and usually when I fall into a novel and read non-stop for two days.

How do you balance motherhood and work?

Balancing motherhood and work is extremely difficult, as most mothers know. I don’t really consider what I do as “work” because I find it so fulfilling — and because I don’t get paid (yet). The way I balance it is being my own boss. I know that at this stage of life I wouldn’t be happy with someone telling me what to do, answering to someone else’s demands or expectations or schedule, and forcing my children into my work schedule. So with my own organization, I can do what I want when I want.

Practically speaking, it means working while my children are at school or at night so I can be fully present for them while they are at home. During the summer I hire a babysitter a few mornings a week to take my children to their swim team or the park while I work from home. I’ve been ramping up slowly, but this year will be a big turning point as my youngest starts half-day preschool.
Finally, if you had a chance to pass on just one piece of advice to a new mom (experienced or not), what would you share with her?

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.

Sharing the Journey with ME!

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Here’s a twist on the typical Thursday Interview fare around here.

I asked my husband to email me 10 questions. He sent 11. I figured it was only fair to allow him to interview me being that he was kind enough to do the same.

Enjoy getting to know me even better!

Tell me about the first time that you thought you might be suffering from PPD. How did you cope with it?

We were living in South Carolina and miles away from any family or support when our first daughter was born. Just a few months prior to her birth I discovered the online community at iVillage.com and became quite active there as I did not have any friends or family nearby and was practically bedridden due to severe pelvic misalignment issues. Allison’s birth was quite the traumatic experience (the doctor is very lucky I had a moment of sanity and decided NOT to kick him) and no one really seemed to offer any help after she was born. It was kind of an in and out experience, which, unfortunately, is the norm nowadays.

Once we got her home, the first thing that happened was an employee of yours stopping by the house with her son who was sick and sneezing. He proceeded to touch all of the baby stuff and I totally freaked out. At the time I did not see this as the beginning but the level of anxiety I felt that day took a very long time to dissipate. I really started to sink lower when you went back to work and remember standing over Alli’s crib and apologizing to her because I had no idea what to say to her. I thought she was judging me for not knowing how to be a good mommy. I was also very upset with myself because motherhood was what I wanted – even more than being a wife – I grew up wanting to be a mommy more than anything and here I was, finally a mom, and felt I was failing.

I realized it might be PPD through the online community at iVillage and reading things other women had posted. At three months postpartum and after some serious soul searching, I finally made an appointment with my OB. I was tired of the intrusive thoughts, the anxiety, the anger, I was tired of not being myself. So I went online, took a screening test and scored severely depressed having answered the questions about self-harm and harming my infant with a yes. I took this to my OB and he refused to acknowledge the possibility of PPD but did admit something was going on – PPD, no – because I was more than 6 weeks PP and my “hormones should be back to normal by now” Calm down now – it gets worse. Alli was screaming to be nursed as we discussed things (crying is my WORST trigger) and my OB brazenly asked how important it was to continue breastfeeding. What he said next shocked me. He refused to medicate me because I refused to quit nursing. His precise words were that I refused to stop nursing for trial therapy. I have my medical records to prove it. Because I was clean, had applied make-up, and was well-spoken, I couldn’t be depressed. Because I didn’t “look” the part, that couldn’t be what was wrong with me. He admitted something was going on but refused to admit that it was PPD. I was referred to the in-house counselor but they kept changing my appointment which made things worse so I refused to go and canceled my appointment.

Just two months later we moved back to Georgia and things started to improve because we were able to leave Alli with your parents and I started to get some time to myself. I thought I was recovered but sadly we discovered after I gave birth to Charlotte that I had not and things were worse than ever.

After giving birth to three children, how did your pregnancies differ in relation to your PPD experiences?

My first pregnancy was the easiest but I think all Moms say that – after all, you don’t have other little ones to chase around or keep up with. My first round of PPD was also mild compared to the second time around.

The second pregnancy was a bit easier physically because I knew what to expect but harder in the aspect that I had a toddler to run around after which is the last thing you feel like doing when your stomach is revolting against well, the world. The postpartum period after Charlotte’s birth was the most intense – her cleft palate, my depression and subsequent hospitalization, her multiple surgeries, Alli’s terrible two’s, your stressful and exhaustive job, pumping full time for Charlotte… you name it, there wasn’t a roadblock we didn’t face. But we made it through, clutching the bar holding us down into the roller coaster until our knuckles were transparent.

Honestly, how supportive was I when you were going through such a terrible time? What do you wish I had done differently?

Wow. Hard question. I think you were as supportive as you could be given the existential circumstances of each situation (no support system, birth defect & NICU, unexpected pregnancy), the information available to you at the time, and the irritability that you were constantly ducking from me. I am sure you probably felt as if you were walking on eggshells most of the time, not knowing if the next word out of your mouth would set off an “episode.”

Knowing what we now know as a couple about PPD, obviously there are some things we would have done differently like gone for a second opinion, pushed for better treatment, worked together instead of drifting apart into our own worlds which I think led to the path on which we found ourselves after Charlotte’s birth. I wasn’t able to be there for you and you felt as you couldn’t show any emotion when all I wanted was for you to show something – to let know that I wasn’t alone in feeling so lost about her cleft palate and the NICU stay. Of course I didn’t say this to you – I expected you to read my mind and got pissed when you didn’t. That’s just not fair at all (and is hallmark behavior of a postpartum woman)

Overall, you did a great job keeping us together as a family even if it meant putting on a show for me and for everyone else. As for having done something differently, hindsight is 20/20 and there’s nothing we can do to change our past behavior. I believe strongly that our marriage can now withstand anything anyone wishes to toss our way. We’ve certainly been through quite a bit in six short years.

You have certainly turned some very tragic events into ammunition to help other women fight PPD? How have your PPD experiences helped you help others?

I have found my inner strength, beauty, and grace as a result of the darkness of PPD. The same strength with which I battled my own PPD energizes me each and everyday to help other women who are in the same place I used to be. I will NOT let another woman suffer alone if there is anything I can do to change that for her. Each day I wake up with the goal of helping at least one woman. Small contribution but it goes back to a quote I fell in love with while in college by Ghandi: “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

What role has your faith and belief in God played in your battles with PPD?

Raised Christian and having given my heart to the Lord at the tender age of 6, I had fallen away from the Lord and had really not been close with him for quite some time when Alli was born. I started to pray more and continued with this throughout my pregnancy with Charlotte. After Charlotte’s birth, I could feel His presence and let myself lean on Him although not as much as I should have, looking back. God knew he wasn’t done with me yet so He sent us Cameron to show me how much of a miracle He was capable of making. And He made a cute one!

When I first started helping others with PPD, I was uncomfortable talking about faith and God. Now it’s one of the easiest things to talk about. God has truly taken me into his Arms and blessed me. And I figure – if Jesus died for our sins, what a small price PPD is compared to His sacrifice. It’s taken me nearly four years of intense growth and molding to come to that conclusion and is not something I have come to believe lightly. My faith is stronger than ever and is still growing.

On the other side of the coin, have your PPD experiences affected your faith? How?

My PPD experiences have certainly brought me closer to God. I have come to realize that He has big plans for me and I have learned to quietly listen to his voice and truly lean on Him during times of need. In fact, if I start to worry now, I instantly pray rather than let it spiral out of control. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for all the growth He has allowed in my life over the past few years!

Life can be busy. Ours certainly is. You are a mother of three, homemaker, PPD advocate and wife. It almost seems impossible what you do. So I have to know, how do you do it?

I have no idea. If you figure it out, let me know.

Seriously though – I grew up watching (and helping) my mother around the house. She was a Stay at home mom too and I picked up a lot of tips from her too. I still call every day (HI MOM) well, almost every day as I’m much busier now and she gives me lots and lots of tips.

A lot of the PPD work I do is online so I can do bits and pieces here and there. I’ve also got the housework down to a science and can have that going while I’m working on PPD stuff in the living room.

One rule I’m working on is that when the girls are awake, I am all theirs unless I have to cook or clean. Even then I try to get them involved so they don’t feel left out or get them playing with play-doh at the dining room table so they’ll at least be having fun. I love my times with the girls as it’s what keeps me sane – well, along with time with you too!

What do you find most challenging about motherhood?

It never ends. My mom has a cartoon on her fridge at her house that I would LOVE to have – a census worker is at the door and a woman is standing there. She is saying, “Work? I just wake up and there it is.” I am never off – I am on call 24/7. Just today I was mother, nurse, friend, poopy cleaner, fan fixer, chef, linguist, wife, writer, brain-stormer, dishwasher, laundry lady, pie maker, dog walker, hand-holder, singer, and most importantly, ME.

What is your favorite thing about motherhood?

Bedtime.

Seriously though – I would have to go with getting the kids to laugh and have a good time. There is NOTHING more heartwarming and uplifting than allowing myself to be a total kid right along with them. I know this is not something you’ve seen terribly often but I’m working on it. At least I’m singing more in front of you more, right?

And last, but not least. What is it like being married to such a hunk and amazing man?

I’ll let you know when that happens. 😉

It’s like the way the Earth smells right after an afternoon rain shower. No matter how many times you experience it, it’s always new, refreshing, and uplifting even though the storm that brought you there may have been the most difficult storm you’ve ever experienced.