Category Archives: tears

It’s been awhile

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I was doing so well there for a bit – posting almost every day. Then Life got in the way.

On Friday, September 21, I found out that I had failed my one hour Glucose test. UGH. Went ahead and scheduled my 3 hour test for Monday the 24th just to get it all over with. After my three hour test, I didn’t feel so hot. I drank three instant breakfasts and ate two bananas before I stopped sweating and shaking. Barely made it through lunch with the girls and then I sacked out for the rest of the afternoon. I laid down on the couch at noon and didn’t wake up until four or so.

Wednesday the 26th was my birthday. On the 27th, we found out that a friend of ours had tragically lost his wife to a drowning accident. I was not doing well at all that evening and have been in a funk this entire week. Her viewing was Monday evening. I went and was prepared to go in, even if it was open casket (I’ve never ever been to an open casket anything). But then I picked up the “In remembrance of” pamphlet only to discover that she had died on my birthday. Well that just hit me like a ton of bricks and I let my husband go in by himself while I waited outside. We had discussed that I hadn’t really made up my mind yet about going in to see her.

I’ve been wanting to call my therapist all week and have been of course doing a LOT of praying. I have therapy tomorrow and can’t wait to go.

Alli’s been up and down this week too with her behaviour – I think she’s feeding off my negative energy and that’s made for a pretty difficult week. Charlotte’s teething too and for added fun she threw up the day before yesterday. Quite the busy week around here.

Chris surprised me last night with a bottle of my favourite chocolate milk in the world. It’s from a quaint dairy named Homestead Creamery in Burnt Chimney, VA, which is near where my family lives. Funny thing is I have YET to visit the Creamery whenever I do make it home but I just LOVE their products. Gotta love the “global” economy.

He also surprised me by getting dinner from a new pizza place nearby called Fox’s Pizza Den. There was one of these in the town I went to college in and I haven’t had their food since college (so it’s been about 7 yrs). He got me their garlic parm wings and half of a pizzaroni sub. YUM! :-) And yes, there has been chocolate ice cream and whipped cream in the house since last thursday. I think that’s a depression food requirement for me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be eating to be happy but hey, I can work it off later. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, right? 😉

And about my pelvic pain – PT is over so of course I hurt again. My brother graciously bought me a support belt for my birthday so I am anxiously awaiting it’s arrival. In the meantime, I am so sore that I was SUPPOSED to go to the grocery store this morning but being that I can barely walk, that’s out of the question. I go to bed every night hoping that tonight will be the night. Not so far… still waiting. So of course that’s frustrating. What’s really frustrating is that last friday was my last day in the pool and I was out of alignment when I went so I was thrilled to be going. I felt SO much better after going too. Then I got home and during quiet time, I had a tangling up of sorts with a baby gate and a toddler rocking chair. Didn’t fall face first but my legs did get spread out and wham! right back out of alignment. I took some tylenol immediately and prayed a LOT. I did feel better but now, not so much. Chris asked me this morning if there was anything he could do to make it better and I replied – “Yeah, snap your fingers and make it January” nothing happened when he snapped his fingers.

So maybe if we ALL snap our fingers together on the count of three…..

one

two

three….

(I’ll be waiting!)

I Love Email Surprises

Today, I had just finished checking my email and answering all of my messages. Sometimes that’s a daunting task because i have several email addresses, luckily I’ve streamlined them into just two addresses but still, that’s a LOT of email. And my PPD addresses have been very busy today. After I was done checking and responding, I logged out, and surfed the web for a few minutes – reading up on how to properly cook tapioca pudding from scratch. (Yes, another craving!) Locating a recipe I actually had all the ingredients for, I read forth. Upon completion, something told me to go and check my ppd address again. And when I did, I had a surprise.

A woman I helped at the beginning of the year had written me not only to thank me but to let me know how she was doing now. For privacy reasons, I can’t give you details, but she is doing well. I can’t even begin to tell you how much that email meant to me. I couldn’t even begin to tell her! I had been really thinking about her lately and wondering how she was doing so her email was well-timed.

So, I have now officially achieved the goal I set out with. Successfully helping at least one woman. Doesn’t mean I’m quitting (I don’t EVER see that happening!), just means I’ve got to come up with another goal. Any ideas?

Reflections so far…

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I will unabashedly admit my freaking out at the first positive pregnancy test. And even more freaking out at the second one, in between which I freaked out because I almost knocked my pee into the sink. Now I would like to say THANK YOU to Karen Kleiman – her book, What Am I Thinking: Having a Baby after Postpartum Depression, definitively put things into perspective for me. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is BECAUSE of that book you are reading this blog right now.

I will also admit that early on, I hoped for a miscarriage, which is extremely difficult for me to type. I had no clue how we were going to handle another babe – the finances, the potential of PPD, my physical reaction to pregnancy. So far, we’re doing ok. Chris just got a raise at work and is intensely focusing on starting his own business, a personal technology consulting business. He LOVES to press buttons so this is perfect for him. I’m still a bit on edge about the potential of PPD but keep reminding myself I am in a much better place now than I was with either of the prior pregnancies, I have a huge support network in place – heck, this time last year, it was just God, me, my husband, meds, and a barely 6 month old with a new palate and I was still pumping breastmilk. (Course, God being there was HUGE!) And now, I have email in my inbox from Karen Kleiman (who stumbled across my site and is now referring HER clients to my blog…I appreciate it!), Jane Honikman (founder of PSI), and Pec Indman (co-author of Beyond the Blues w/Shoshanna Bennett), Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress, Tara Mock of Outofthevalley.org, and access to ALL of the PSI Coordinators across the globe!  And I am eternally grateful to some local folks too – to the President of Nuci’s Space, Linda Phillips – for granting me not only meeting space for the women I help, but for helping me connect with my current therapist. I truly owe Linda quite a bit. I have been just dumbfounded at how far I’ve come in just 12 months. I know the possibility of falling is there – but I  am resting easy knowing what I know, educating my family and local support about what to watch for, how to help, etc. Hopefully I won’t fall as far this time – heck, hopefully I won’t fall at all! What a wonderful gift that would be indeed!

 And last but not least, my thoughts have truly shifted these past couple of weeks – and I am now seeing this baby as a gift – a reward, even, for having survived what I have in the past 19 months. I am truly relearning to trust in God and walk with Him. Still can’t quote bible verses off the top of my head – don’t think I ever will be able to do that (I bite at memorization), but my heart has finally found peace with all of this and I am hoping to continue within this peace and truly enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. This morning after Chris woke up, I laid on my back for a few moments and Cameron (baby) was right at my belly button. I poked him and he kicked/hit back. We played for a few minutes until he decided he didn’t want to be poked anymore and relocated. I knew even in early pregnancy that once i connected with the baby like I did this morning, I would be ok and everything would make sense. Thing is – I was wrong – it happened BEFORE…and that experience served to make our bond stronger.

I can’t wait to meet little Cameron!

Dear God, make the excrutiating pain go away! (please?)

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PT yesterday went pretty well. Had a new therapist, didn’t much like her at first but I got her to warm up. She had me do some new exercises and I didn’t get to rest as much in the deep end though. :-( I did fine yesterday… today has been a whole ‘nother story though.

At 420a this morning, I woke up and had to go to the bathroom. I attempted to roll over… and I winced. Loudly. It took me 10 minutes to get out of bed and one of the options I contemplated was just going right there – yes, it hurt that badly. I finally crossed my ankles, squeezed my thighs together, pulled my body pillow out, and rolled over onto my back. I managed to roll over to my right side and sit up, wincing and crying the whole way. My first step almost caused me to fall – the pain was even more intense once I tried to bear weight. I held onto the bed almost the whole way out of the room (we have a small room). Once out, it took me another five minutes to get to the bathroom. I didn’t return until about 10 minutes later – process & travel time included. Once I managed to get back into bed (which was a LOT easier than getting out, and I laid on my right side this time so I wouldn’t have to roll over to get out, just sit up), it took me nearly 30 minutes to fall asleep. I didn’t take any tylenol because in my past experience, tylenol doesn’t help.

I’ll be purchasing a wedge pillow here pretty shortly so I can sleep on my back – and I need to get a maternity support belt as well but at this point we can only afford one or the other and being that I tend to go out of alignment during sleep, it’s more important to me that I address that issue first. Chris stayed home today to help with the girls – he was getting ready to go to work when I woke up and I burst into tears when I realized he was going to work – there was just no way I was going to be able to handle the girls on my own with the amount of pain I was experiencing. We really can’t afford for him to take a day off and I certainly wouldn’t have asked unless it was absolutely necessary.

I did end up partially popping back into place – only to take a nap and completely undo the progress I had made. UGH! Alli has been adorable about the whole thing – she keeps asking if my pelvis is owwy. Makes me smile at least – even if I am gritting my teeth behind my grin.