Category Archives: tears

A Little Nervous

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I have my first “big” speaking engagement on Friday and I can feel myself starting to get nervous. I know I’ll be fine. I’m really looking forward to meeting Katherine Stone and Dr. Jeffrey Newport. I am more in awe that I have been asked to speak along with them than anything else and it speaks volumes to me as to how far I have come since giving birth to my first daughter and struggling through those first dark days of Postpartum OCD all alone. I have found immense comfort in the knowledge that I will never be alone again and that has made all the difference this time around. (Ok, that, and the meds. I can’t forget about the meds.)

I’d like to take this opportunity to again thank everyone who believed in me and has supported me through this endeavor – especially my husband who lived through it all with me and is still here (although snoring at the moment) and as strong as ever. Amazement really doesn’t do this justice – the journey I’ve been on has been such a treacherous and yet fantastically awe-inspiring one at the same time. I can’t wait to share it on Friday and hopefully educate and light the way for other women to emerge from their PPD coccoon with as much strength and energy and support as I have.

A Dark Place

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Last night, I slid a little further towards that dark hole those of us who have had PPD know a little too well. I felt as if it reached out and grabbed me, sucking me down until only a glimmer of light remained. I called my husband in tears about 10 minutes before he got off work. Not only had Cameron been nursing non-stop, he had been spitting up non-stop. When I went to get him up, his sheet was drenched and so was he. I cleaned him up best I could – in between our one and a half year old running in and out of his room and not minding me at all. In addition, as I changed Cameron’s sheets, he vomited at least three times. Alli was a charmer all day yesterday. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been had she been misbehaving too. I let myself get angry – angry about the Nyastatin, angry that Charlotte wasn’t listening, angry that every time I called the pizza place either Cameron or Charlotte would scream. I finally called my husband and had him call in our order for us. I had already started swirling downwards by that point though – way down – and I knew it – and part of me wanted to stop it yet another part of me wanted to submit. Once my husband called in our pizza order, fresh air seemed to surround me and things started to look up. I managed to cling to the side of the dark hole and not fall too far. Once I got the girls to bed, things started to calm down. Cameron was up until 1130 – spitting up and nursing, poor thing. But he did sleep in my arms for a bit and that was blissful. In fact, it’s what calmed me down the most. Well, that and knowing Chris was here to attend to anything else that might happen. I now had support here and that was a HUGE relief.

 Today, after Chris gets off work, I will be taking the car and going to get myself  a coffee and either picking up a few groceries or getting a NY Giants shirt. (Maybe both!) I told Chris I needed some time alone today to recover from yesterday and he quickly agreed. I am going to try and pump a little bit later – there’s already 3oz in the fridge but Cameron is a hungry baby in the afternoons so I need to try and leave more than he will need.

Even though I am having bad days, the good days have outnumbered them by far – and when I have a bad day, I am able to recognize that it is nothing more than that – a bad day. I am also able to balance that with a plan to improve the next day.

My husband shared something with me today. He found an interesting tip on the internet about achieving your goals. Take a blank index card. Write positive affirmations or notes to yourself on it. Carry it with you wherever you go – look at it as needed. I think I’m going to do that – after all, writing here has helped me tremendously. I can’t imagine what carrying little positive affirmations will do for me.

A note on Cameron’s spitting up:  

Cameron’s pediatrician finally called in his Nyastatin prescription and he started it on Wednesday. Yesterday he spent most of the day spitting up and vomiting. I stopped the Nyastatin and will be using diluted Grapefruit Seed Extract instead. I have no intention of calling his pediatrician’s office because according to them, “Nyastatin shouldn’t make him spit up.” Um, well, it does, and no thanks to the nurse who actually told my husband “It shouldn’t make him spit up, just hold his mouth shut so it all stays in” Yes, we are writing a letter of complaint. Not only for that, but for the fact that we called the ped’s office on MONDAY about thrush and it took them until WEDNESDAY to call something in – and even then, they couldn’t remember what they were supposed to call in. UGH!

Dear Katie,

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 You are not alone. You are not to blame. And you will be well with help. There are so many women across the nation and across the world who have been where you are – suffering alone, scared, anxiety ridden and filled with guilt that they are not being the “best” or “most perfect” mother that they can be. Motherhood isn’t easy for everyone. Even the moms who make it look easy have a hard time. But the good news is that it does get easier and it does get better. Some of us have to take it hour by hour or even minute by minute in the beginning. And some of us need more help than others to get through the early steps of motherhood. Through peer support and solid medical support we make it through. We survive the sheer desperation and panic of postpartum disorders and we make it through. And you know what? It makes us stronger. It makes us even more grateful for what we have, for every smile we witness, for every hug we receive. Because we remember when we couldn’t enjoy those times. I know you’re scared and frightened – there are people who can help you and want to help you on your journey to recovery.

When I suffered from Postpartum OCD, I couldn’t enjoy my children. I didn’t want to laugh or smile. I wanted them to go away and I would get angry with them for the smallest thing. Several times I thought about running away. But where to? And if I left, would I really solve my problems? At the time I thought I would. And then I came crashing down – and landed in the hospital for treatment. I slept the whole weekend and my medication was changed. I also started to reach out for peer support which helped me immensely. Through contact with women in the local birthing network, Jane Honikman, and starting talk therapy, I slowly started to dig my way out of the deep dark hole I had fallen into. And I eventually got to the top. I won’t lie – it was hard work. And by no stretch of the imagination am I who I used to be. I have changed. For the better I think. But I had others to help me and to rely on. And now I pay it forward by helping other women.

I want you to know that you have been in my prayers since I first heard of your disappearance. I have been praying for you and your precious family. I pray that you are safe and alive. I pray that you will return to your two precious boys and your loving husband soon. I know they miss you terribly. Katie, if there’s a chance you are reading this, know that there are a lot of caring and concerned people praying for your safe return home. Know that we do not blame you and we all want to help you in any way that we can. You can do this – you are NOT alone!

Warmest,

Lauren

Putting on the Brakes Part II

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I found a sample of a prenatal vitamin yesterday that has Omega 3’s  built in so I took it last night. I have felt much calmer today and Alli’s behaviour has much improved as well. Not sure if that’s a huge coincidence or not.

I did call my OB’s office but they never returned (to be fair, I wasn’t able to call until late this afternoon). I will try to call them again tomorrow. As far as I know it’s ok to take Omega 3.6.9 during pregnancy but I still like to check with my physician’s office.

I plan on taking the rest of the prenatal samples in the meantime – until I get a response from my doctor’s office. I have therapy in the morning as well so I will certainly be discussing all of this with my therapist.

And yes, I am also using my online support network right now too. I think having a rest plan in place for this weekend is reassuring for me too. I am SO looking forward to sleeping in on Sunday. I talked to Alli about that today – she hates surprises where someone is going to be gone so we talk to her about them ahead of time. I told her that if she was good, daddy would give her a surprise from me on Saturday night at bedtime. She liked that idea until she decided she wanted two surprises and I told her there was only going to be one – enter thrown fit number one. I think she’s sleepy – her behaviour tends to be worse in the evening if it’s going to be bad.

The In-laws may be coming to pick her up tomorrow afternoon so we’ll see if that has any effect on her or if it was merely a coincidence that she suddenly started misbehaving after the last time they got her. I’m hoping for the coincidence.

Ebb and Flow

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A cold snuck up on me this past weekend. Friday morning I had the sniffles. Chalked it up to allergies. By the end of the day I had phoned my OB’s office to find out what medicines I could take. I felt myself slipping into the downward spiral of the severe blah’s. My eyes hurt, I could hardly keep my them open, my throat was scratchy and sore. And the giveaway of imminent illness – a craving for Chicken noodle soup. I HATE chicken noodle soup and absolutely do not eat the stuff unless I’m sick. I even visited Progresso’s website to make sure they had a decent version. Couldn’t tell though – they just had the names listed, not pictures. Chris picked me up a can on the way home from work. I downed the soup once he got home and went straight to bed at 830p. I should mention that I had been awake since 5a that morning with a runny nose and severe pelvic pain on top of everything else. He also brought me some medicine which I took even before I ate my soup.

I felt better Saturday morning but still had a craving for Chicken Noodle Soup. Odd for me – I never crave anything other than breakfast food in the morning. I even thought about eating the chicken and rice soup we had but I dislike that even more than chicken noodle soup. Took medicine all day Saturday and didn’t really eat much but did keep hydrated. Had a huge italian dinner though. Would have been better if I had cooked it at home but hey, when you’re sick – taste isn’t really a huge factor.

I’m much better now, off cold meds, and the sniffles are mostly gone.

Charlotte started to self-feed over the weekend. It’s been exciting and bittersweet at the same time. I’m starting to go through the emotions of what I felt when I stopped pumping for her. She’s been sitting on my lap in the living room while I feed her so it’s been our “bonding” time. She is still on my lap but as soon as I get the dining room table cleaned off, we’ll start eating at the table. I knew she’d be growing up and I know this is a good thing but it’s still hard. I am so proud of her for how far she’s come – from a cleft palate &  being on an NG tube to a g-tube and now, less than a year after having her g-tube removed, she’s thriving and feeding herself. I couldn’t really ask for a bigger miracle. As for cuddle time, she has taken to picking up books, bringing them to me, slamming them in my lap, and then waiting for me to pick her up and read the book to her. Sometimes we make it through the entire book, sometimes just the first page. Depends on how tired she is when she brings the book to me. *sighs* Motherhood – full of ebb and flow…..

On another note, I purposefully recorded two episodes of Oprah last week. Halle Berry’s interview and Sinead O’Connor’s interviews both got snatched up by the TiVo. Both women said something that really stuck with me and probably wouldn’t have hit me the way they did had I not just experienced the past year and a half I did.

Halle Berry commented on how once you’ve been down in a valley, you learn the way out and when you go there again, you’re able to find the way out faster.  A lightbulb popped on in my head when she said that. Makes SO much sense and was very comforting to hear.

Sinead O’Connor’s comment that struck me was about medications. She stated that her medication provided the scaffolding that allowed her to recover. That when she was sick, it was like a brick here or there would just go missing and crumble. She kept saying that she probably wasn’t describing her experience to the best of her ability but I thought she did a rather fantastic job at making the mental illness journey a concrete image. (She also said that after taking meds the first time, she felt “concrete” filling in the holes…. Sinead has been diagnosed as bipolar)

I’m amazed at how differently I interpret and analyze things now. I am starting to put more of a positive spin on things and when I say something positive to someone in a day-to-day situation, I am somewhat surprised at myself but joyfully so. I am loving laughing more and being sillier with my kids and husband. My mom sometimes doesn’t know what to do with me because I’m even joking with her too now. She’s so not used to that. She’s used to me being serious and sarcastic which is funny to me now because I GOT my sense of humor from HER. She’s always been the one to emphasize trying to find the funny side of a situation. If you can laugh at it, then laugh. And I do try to laugh. If I didn’t, I’d cry, I think. Never been much of a crier though. I tend to hold things in and lash out with anger and irritability. Working on that though – have a feeling that will be a constant work in progress but I’m a LOT better than I used to be – and everyone around me will tell you so.

Gotta run, I hear Alli calling me.