I will unabashedly admit my freaking out at the first positive pregnancy test. And even more freaking out at the second one, in between which I freaked out because I almost knocked my pee into the sink. Now I would like to say THANK YOU to Karen Kleiman – her book, What Am I Thinking: Having a Baby after Postpartum Depression, definitively put things into perspective for me. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is BECAUSE of that book you are reading this blog right now.
I will also admit that early on, I hoped for a miscarriage, which is extremely difficult for me to type. I had no clue how we were going to handle another babe – the finances, the potential of PPD, my physical reaction to pregnancy. So far, we’re doing ok. Chris just got a raise at work and is intensely focusing on starting his own business, a personal technology consulting business. He LOVES to press buttons so this is perfect for him. I’m still a bit on edge about the potential of PPD but keep reminding myself I am in a much better place now than I was with either of the prior pregnancies, I have a huge support network in place – heck, this time last year, it was just God, me, my husband, meds, and a barely 6 month old with a new palate and I was still pumping breastmilk. (Course, God being there was HUGE!) And now, I have email in my inbox from Karen Kleiman (who stumbled across my site and is now referring HER clients to my blog…I appreciate it!), Jane Honikman (founder of PSI), and Pec Indman (co-author of Beyond the Blues w/Shoshanna Bennett), Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress, Tara Mock of Outofthevalley.org, and access to ALL of the PSI Coordinators across the globe! And I am eternally grateful to some local folks too – to the President of Nuci’s Space, Linda Phillips – for granting me not only meeting space for the women I help, but for helping me connect with my current therapist. I truly owe Linda quite a bit. I have been just dumbfounded at how far I’ve come in just 12 months. I know the possibility of falling is there – but I am resting easy knowing what I know, educating my family and local support about what to watch for, how to help, etc. Hopefully I won’t fall as far this time – heck, hopefully I won’t fall at all! What a wonderful gift that would be indeed!
And last but not least, my thoughts have truly shifted these past couple of weeks – and I am now seeing this baby as a gift – a reward, even, for having survived what I have in the past 19 months. I am truly relearning to trust in God and walk with Him. Still can’t quote bible verses off the top of my head – don’t think I ever will be able to do that (I bite at memorization), but my heart has finally found peace with all of this and I am hoping to continue within this peace and truly enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. This morning after Chris woke up, I laid on my back for a few moments and Cameron (baby) was right at my belly button. I poked him and he kicked/hit back. We played for a few minutes until he decided he didn’t want to be poked anymore and relocated. I knew even in early pregnancy that once i connected with the baby like I did this morning, I would be ok and everything would make sense. Thing is – I was wrong – it happened BEFORE…and that experience served to make our bond stronger.
I can’t wait to meet little Cameron!
Thank you so much for sharing your reflections.
I’d love to tell you my whole story, if I haven’t already, but it can be long. Short of it is, we found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant last August and the morning I found out was that I had to have an abortion. I had just had radiation for medical problems and I had no idea what this child would be like. She survived and is PERFECT. But, like you, I had these thoughts..of miscarriage, etc. for awhile into the pregnancy and then I had this change of heart almost around the same time as you and I did everything I could to almost “ask forgiveness” from my unborn child. Kind of strange, I know….but I felt terrible. My daughter is AMAZING and her smile makes me cry all the time and that has nothing to do with forgiveness from her. I had to forgive myself and therapy, more than anything else, helped me do that!
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for reading them. It has been a struggle to get to this point in my pregnancy – and I know that if I didn’t have therapy, GOD, and my husband, and two wonderful daughters already, I wouldn’t have gotten here. Blogging has helped quite a bit.
I am glad your daughter is here today and you’re able to find joy in her smile. ((hugs)) Children can be the most amazing healers, can’t they?
Lauren,
From the sound of things, you are doing great work, both for yourself and for others. I agree that writing your thoughts and putting them out there for others to find strength from is so good for you. You are doing so well, I can feel it in your words.
Just wanted you to know.
Karen Kleiman