So I spent the bulk of today at home – resting. I had therapy this morning at 8a but I like my therapist and look forward to going to my appointments. Gets me out of the house and it’s my alone time. LOL.

I even managed to squeeze in a nap this afternoon while the girls were napping. Here lately (with the exception of yesterday) I’ve been having a hard time napping – can’t seem to fall asleep during the day. May have something to do with going to bed so early. Who knows!

I did wake up with an excruciating headache but coffee during therapy seemed to help that dissipate rather quickly.

We talked today about my OB visit on Tuesday. So far I’ve been positive in the blog but to be completely honest, at Tuesday’s visit, I was mildly disappointed to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was more excited than disappointed but I think hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the second time really made it sink in that there’s a BABY in there – I haven’t had much time to just sit and reflect on the pregnancy because everything has been so go go go since we found out (isn’t that life though?) And it’s kind of odd to me that I’ve got this nagging in the back of my head because I’ve always been the one lobbying for three kids and now – well – chris is more excited than I am. And I feel pressure to act like I’m happy but I’m really not 100% there yet. I have discussed this with Chris briefly. I even tried to tell him that if I *did* miscarry, I didn’t think I would be that heartbroken and he responded that I probably would be. Deep down I honestly believe that I wouldn’t be. I know the time will come when I will feel the baby move inside me and that’s when I’ll start to really get attached but for now when there’s really not any physical signs of pregnancy besides the nausea, it’s very very hard for me to think of myself as pregnant.

And Chris has been deadset on nothing negative being said about this pregnancy but hey, I can’t help that I feel this way and honestly, I just can’t keep it to myself anymore. And if one day, the child that I am now carrying reads this blog, hopefully by then I will have explained to him/her well enough what Postpartum Depression is and how it can affect mothers that he/she will understand that it was not his/her fault AT ALL.

I am also still on somewhat of a news blackout – as the recent events with the mother in Texas and now the wrestler have really gotten me a little edgier than usual. When the Texas story hit the news, I was ok at first but did end up having an intrusive thought that week. I KNOW it was triggered by the story and it was only one thought. But now that the wrestler thing is all over the news and my husband is fascinated by it, he’s been telling me all the details. I finally told him last night that I had had an intrusive thought after the Texas story and didn’t really care to hear the details about the wrestler and poor his family’s demise. My heart and prayers go out to both families that have been so terribly marred by these tragedies. There is nothing I can do about those specific tragedies but what I CAN do is continue my work with postpartum women and families and hopefully help them find the help, relief, understanding, and compassion that they so sorely need.

The last two days have been miserable!

I can at least still eat and haven’t yacked just yet… today was the closest I came to that miserable line. I ALMOST had to run to the bathroom. ALMOST.

C’mon Ms. morning Sickness.. this just ain’t fair… I’m just three weeks shy of my second trimester here. PLEASE PLEASE be nice and be kind – and don’t make me rewind my dinner!

Forgot to mention that my OB this pregnancy is very ok with me staying on my current med. He knows the risk factor of relapse and that there really aren’t any major studies that state severe harm to the fetus related to the current med I’m on. So thankfully I’ll already have the meds and don’t have to worry about suddenly going off them. He pretty much told Chris and I that this is our pregnancy and he’s just here to guide us when necessary. I absolutely LOVE how laid back he is – he mentioned that most providers would even make me take the Glucose Tolerance Test at this point due to a prior episode with Gestational Diabetes during my first pregnancy – and he was cool with me opting out of that one and just doing the standard 24 – 28week test. I am thrilled about that because anyone who’s ever done a GTT knows how horrible that stuff tastes! UGH! And if you can get out of doing it more than once in your pregnancy – you better believe I’m taking that option! (I didn’t have GD with my second pregnancy, BTW, which is why I felt comfortable opting out) I feel confident that he will really respect my wishes and won’t try to promote some weird personal belief on the pregnancy. Where was this guy during my first two pregnancies?!?!?!?!

This past thursday, May 31st, we had our first OB visit for this pregnancy. You know, the fun one – where they poke, prod, have you pee in a cup, and do other very uncomfortable things to check on the baby’s progress. I am SO glad that’s behind us!

We are indeed as pregnant as we thought we were so we were correct in the day of conception. Of course the OB’s office insists on adding those two weeks so when I went I was 8wks 3d pregnant according to u/s measurements. Which means my due date is Dec 28. That’d be nice – having the baby this year instead of next year – would LOVE the extra money but hey, the baby will get here when he/she is supposed to! And the u/s only showed one lil’ babe thank goodness. My husband is the son of a fraternal twin and his grandfather was a twin so while not a huge risk, still something we both worry about whenever we get pregnant.

This pregnancy is still very surreal to me – not sure if it’s because my days are full with the other two or if it’s because I just don’t have any major pregnancy symptoms like I did with Charlotte and Alli. I’m very active now – mentally and physically. We started doing stroller rides about three weeks ago after breakfast and I have to say that I feel great. I’ve actually lost weight so far instead of gained – and if you knew the way I was eating, you’d know what a miraculous statement that is! I have to eat ALL the time to keep away the Queasy tummy syndrome. For added fun, both dogs have had the diarrhea/vomit thing now – poor things. The second dog, Maggie, isn’t doing too well. She stays in her crate during the day because frankly, vomit and poop are about the only things that make me want to vomit. I don’t know how I manage to change the girls – I just do! And if the dogs go, chris has to clean it up when he gets home, hence, why maggie is in her crate. I’m making her some rice with chicken using chicken broth as the liquid. She’s not eating and I’m starting to worry about her. Hopefully she’ll start to eat today. (It’s day 3 of her being sick, day 2 of not eating)

My mom gets back from Ireland today so I get to chat with her either this evening or tomorrow. I’m hoping she just rests when she gets in and doesn’t bother calling because I know she’s exhausted. I’m a bit jealous she got to go – maybe one of these days I’ll get to go too! I joke with Chris that if U2 ever plays a farewell tour and has a date in Ireland, I’m going no matter how I have to get there. I’ll swim the Atlantic if I have to! LOL! (I doubt I’d make it!)

Gotta run, the rice is finished and Charlotte’s bottle is warmed up. And mommy needs a nap.

I was self-admitted to a psychiatric ward for postpartum depression with intrusive thoughts regarding both myself and my young infant daughter. I remember the day quite clearly, which is odd, considering I wasn’t myself. Perhaps I remember so clearly because it was such an unsettling experience. I am about to be pretty straight forward to if you’re not emotionally up for reading about the worst day of my life during this past year, I suggest you skip this post.

I woke up the Friday of Memorial Day weekend last year absolutely exhausted. No different than the days before but I could tell something was slightly amiss. I got my oldest daughter up, pumped, at breakfast, fed charlotte, and pumped again at 1045 am. During most of the time between charlotte’s feed and my next pump, I spent dozing on my oldest daughter’s couch sinking deeper and deeper into my pit of despair. I didn’t want to come out – not even when she tried to get me up. I fed Charlotte after I pumped and got Alli’s lunch together too. After Alli was done eating, I went and put her down for quiet time and waited for Charlotte’s pump to go off, signaling her feed was over. (Charlotte had a g-tube for nearly the first year of her life due to a cleft palate – you can read her story here: www.charlotteelizabeth.wordpress.com)

I climbed out of bed, hit the button to turn off the pump and went back to bed, curling up in the fetal position with the phone next to me. I had started to call the OB’s office the day before but chickened out before I could even dial the first three numbers.  After laying in bed for awhile, staring blankly out the window at an old oak tree, well, past the old oak tree rather, I finally gained enough strength to call my husband. He answered and I told him that I was not doing well and he needed to come home right away. He didn’t understand because I wasn’t PHYSICALLY ill – I told him that I was exhausted, physically and mentally and that I just couldn’t take anymore. I needed him to call the doctor’s office. He was a bit snippy and didn’t understand why I couldn’t make the call myself. I tried to explain but was too exhausted to do so properly. While trying to call the OB’s office after we got off the phone, he called back. I hadn’t called through yet. He was on his way home. I guess something suddenly clicked that things indeed were not ok. After we got off the phone, I felt relieved that he was coming home and this gave me the strength to call the OB’s office. I finally talked to someone. It was very difficult to let them know how bad I was feeling. I should mention that I was already on medication and at a rather high dosage. I was instructed to come in immediately to the office, which I did as soon as my husband arrived home. Looking back, I probably should not have driven myself but unless we were going to pack up the girls, I didn’t have a choice. It was nearly 3p when I finally left the house and Charlotte had missed her 2p feed and I hadn’t pumped since 1045 that morning.

Upon arriving at the OB’s office, I was immediately taken back and seated in one of the OB’s offices. I was very straightforward and honest – knowing that I needed to be. I remember mumbling something about not wanting to be Andrea Yates. I had been having visions of smothering Charlotte with a pillow and they kept getting more intense and realistic. The OB instructed me to go straight to the ER as it was toward the end of the day and there were no psychiatrists I could get into see on an emergency basis. I was asked what route I would take to get to the hospital and if I were going there directly after leaving the OB’s office. They were going to call the hospital and inform them to expect me and if I didn’t arrive, send someone to look for me. At the time I didn’t even care about being watched so closely and now – I am grateful for the precautions they put in place.

Once at the ER, I repeated my story to the doc on duty and was evaluated by a therapist/social worker (I think, I wasn’t in the state of mind to remember things) I managed to ask for a breast pump because my breasts were killing me by this time. Oh, and all of my things were confiscated – my purse, my cell phone, everything. Gone. Standard procedure they told me. I remembered thinking that was odd but I know they were protecting me from potentially harming myself with something I may have had in my bag. I managed to lobby for my phone back so I could call my husband and let him know what I needed to have him bring – I had him bring my breast pump and some clothes.

I left the ER that night around 8 or 9 p for a psych ward about 45 minutes away. Getting into a transport van in the middle of the night to head to a psych ward is unnerving. I stared out the van windows at the streets I knew yet that night they were very unfamiliar and unforgiving. The stop lights glared back at me and the cars seemed to be judging me. Once we were out of town and into the country, I was grateful for the stars in the sky. They didn’t seem to be as harsh.

We got lost near the psych ward due to a traffic jam – and I ended up having a conversation with the transport driver. I explained to her what was going on and told her a story about something that had happened between my mother in law and I while Charlotte was in the NICU. I remember the driver being very sympathetic and kind – and I became very grateful for her that night. She became my angel.

Upon arriving, we were greeted by a night security guard and I was led down a hallway to a small room where I was given the once over with a wand – the kind they use at airport security. The contents of my bag were sorted through and some items were confiscated. I was then checked in and the driver left prior to that. I thanked her for bringing me and wished her a good night.

During check in, there was a woman wandering about who struck me as very annoying at the time. I prayed she wouldn’t be my roommate. But she was. I pumped before I went to bed that night and left instructions to be woken at approximately 7a to pump again. I slept the bulk of the weekend, pumped, slept, pumped, slept. I asked my husband to bring me a book – I was in the Acute risk ward and let me tell you – there are scary people in the acute risk ward. It was a mixed gender ward too so it wasn’t all female. I certainly needed help but was aware enough to feel very out of place and very frightened. I finally saw a psychiatrist Saturday evening. He changed my med and said that as long as I felt better the next day, I could go home. I was already feeling better because of all the sleep. I had been running myself into the ground – no in home help and my husband worked as a restaurant manager. Long hours! Meanwhile I had been left home to care for a special needs infant, a two year old, two dogs, a house, and somehow i fit an exclusively pumping schedule and balanced moderating an online community board in there somehow too. The pumping schedule and feeding schedule left me homebound though and I was miserable.

The next morning, I was feeling a bit better and by the middle of the morning I decided I was ready to go home if that was possible. I stayed until Sunday evening though so my husband could come pick me up. My mother had picked me up after delivering Charlotte and had come down to help care for the girls while I was in the psych ward. I certainly didn’t want her or my mother in law coming to pick me up. I needed my husband. (Plus if I waited, I could sleep some more before having to be dropped back into reality!)

The drive home was a very weird one. We talked about the psych ward but mostly about the week ahead of us. Once we got home, my mom hugged me and it felt good to get a mom hug after having been in psych all weekend long.

Things didn’t improve immediately but they slowly began to improve. It was during my stay that I realized there is a need for a separate ward for women with postpartum depression. We are indeed a very specialized population. I mean, honestly, how weird was it that i was in psych ward and pumping breastmilk every three hours?!?! Come On! It also hit me that I needed peer support. And not just online anymore – real life peer support. And I began working towards that goal. I am happy to say that I achieved that goal on January 9, 2007 when I held the first meeting for my group, PACE. We continue to hold meetings and even if no one shows up, it is more support than was available last year in this area. We are also the only peer based group in the state of Georgia, according to PSI records. (PSI = Postpartum Support International) I am also now a Co-Coordinator with PSI for the state of Georgia and have personally helped at least 15-20 women or more since the inception of PACE. And there is no telling how many more I’ve helped just by being outspoken and honest about what happened to me and striving to educate others on how to recognize and seek treatment for PPD. I also managed to get into a class and become a trained Certified Lactation Counselor – for free. I got a scholarship through a local WIC office and I am grateful for that as well. I spoke during this training about the difficulties of trying to breastfeed an infant with a cleft palate and my breastfeeding blog was featured at the Motherwear blog site by Tanya Lieberman. I also formed a relationship with Cindy Maffei-Turner, a well known and well educated LC involved with Healthy Children and the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative. I have been consistently amazed by the level of respect and admiration for little old me with the work and events I have survived this past year.

I am very proud to be where I am just one short year later. I started talk therapy this past January as well, through the foundation where I hold the PACE peer meetings. I am eternally grateful to them for this therapy and continue to go on a weekly basis – more for my marriage and the pregnancy than for the depression at this point. I have truly managed to climb out of the darkest hole I have ever come across and I am grateful that so many hands were there to help me find the top. One of the biggest things that helped me was my return to my faith in God and Jesus. Rediscovering my relationship with God has given me a true inner strength that I did not know I had. I’ve also realized that while I did wander, I didn’t wander very far from my core values and beliefs. I am grateful to my parents for instilling them so very successfully within me as a child and for being such wonderful caring role models. I am eternally grateful for my mother – she always emphasized keeping the communication lines open and I plan to emphasize this as well with my own children.

I am hoping this pregnancy goes forward with no bumps, bruises, or scrapes. But if there are a few bumps or detours, I now have the best support system in the world at my fingertips – God, my husband, family, my church, and all the amazing women I have come in contact with and who have strengthened my belief in women supporting women. God bless all of you – I can’t thank you enough for all that you do. Hats off!