So I spent the bulk of today at home – resting. I had therapy this morning at 8a but I like my therapist and look forward to going to my appointments. Gets me out of the house and it’s my alone time. LOL.
I even managed to squeeze in a nap this afternoon while the girls were napping. Here lately (with the exception of yesterday) I’ve been having a hard time napping – can’t seem to fall asleep during the day. May have something to do with going to bed so early. Who knows!
I did wake up with an excruciating headache but coffee during therapy seemed to help that dissipate rather quickly.
We talked today about my OB visit on Tuesday. So far I’ve been positive in the blog but to be completely honest, at Tuesday’s visit, I was mildly disappointed to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was more excited than disappointed but I think hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the second time really made it sink in that there’s a BABY in there – I haven’t had much time to just sit and reflect on the pregnancy because everything has been so go go go since we found out (isn’t that life though?) And it’s kind of odd to me that I’ve got this nagging in the back of my head because I’ve always been the one lobbying for three kids and now – well – chris is more excited than I am. And I feel pressure to act like I’m happy but I’m really not 100% there yet. I have discussed this with Chris briefly. I even tried to tell him that if I *did* miscarry, I didn’t think I would be that heartbroken and he responded that I probably would be. Deep down I honestly believe that I wouldn’t be. I know the time will come when I will feel the baby move inside me and that’s when I’ll start to really get attached but for now when there’s really not any physical signs of pregnancy besides the nausea, it’s very very hard for me to think of myself as pregnant.
And Chris has been deadset on nothing negative being said about this pregnancy but hey, I can’t help that I feel this way and honestly, I just can’t keep it to myself anymore. And if one day, the child that I am now carrying reads this blog, hopefully by then I will have explained to him/her well enough what Postpartum Depression is and how it can affect mothers that he/she will understand that it was not his/her fault AT ALL.
I am also still on somewhat of a news blackout – as the recent events with the mother in Texas and now the wrestler have really gotten me a little edgier than usual. When the Texas story hit the news, I was ok at first but did end up having an intrusive thought that week. I KNOW it was triggered by the story and it was only one thought. But now that the wrestler thing is all over the news and my husband is fascinated by it, he’s been telling me all the details. I finally told him last night that I had had an intrusive thought after the Texas story and didn’t really care to hear the details about the wrestler and poor his family’s demise. My heart and prayers go out to both families that have been so terribly marred by these tragedies. There is nothing I can do about those specific tragedies but what I CAN do is continue my work with postpartum women and families and hopefully help them find the help, relief, understanding, and compassion that they so sorely need.