Tag Archives: Whatever Wednesday

Whatever Wednesday: My fabulous new anti-oxidant diet

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Pssst. Have you heard? There’s a new diet in town and MAN is it sexay!

One part yellow kernel to one part cocoa bean.

Whooooo-weeeeeeee!

I cain’t wait to get this one going!

"Caramel Popcorn drizzled with chocolate" by EdwardKimkuk @flickr. Original photo sourced here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/woodwood/4835402465/

I’m gonna eat Chocolate Popcorn for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and midnight snack. I may even adopt the Hobbit habit of Second Breakfast. And Elevensees.

Hell. Tea Time? All over it. Screw cucumber sandwiches. Gimme a giant ball of popcorn slathered in rich dark chocolate please.

Or if I want to be more ladylike, two pieces of popcorn with an M&M smooshed in between them. It’s practically a Ménage à trois of health!

Nom.

I’ll be healthy and svelte in no time, right? Right?

I wonder if I can scrounge up a prescription for Ambien. You know, for mindless trips to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Or wait, is that Lunesta? I can’t remember. I’m too busy day dreaming about a pool full of puffy popcorn coated in a lusty sheen of chocolate. Mmmmmm.

Paula Deen’s got nothing on this new diet. Butter Schmutter, y’all.

Chocolate makes you thinner.

Popcorn is packed with anti-oxidants. Just like chocolate. Which, you know, makes you thinner.

It’s a win-win situation, right?

Especially for Oral-B. Because you know, kernels.

Whatever Wednesday: When you ask Craigslist to solve writer’s block

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The next time I struggle with writer’s block, this is the approach I’m taking. Not for serious value but for beyond hilarious comedic value.

So far, responses have ranged from serious to well, not so serious. Generally those who have responded seem to genuinely want to help me. Not all in the way I asked, but still. They want to help. Which is sweet. Sort of. Unless they’re wanting to exchange pictures and be more than friends. Then it’s disturbing because it makes me wonder if they are even capable of reading English. Or thinking of anything north of their equator if you know what I mean.

Pasted below are actual initial responses (in no particular order) to the writer’s block ad I posted. Also, in all fairness, I made it CLEAR I was a blogger in search of a topic. Everything was fair play.

No, I’m not telling you what or where I posted it nor am I linking to it. Enjoy.

Happy Wednesday.

1) seriously, if it is so hard to find something to write about then perhaps you shouldn’t write anything. i blogged for years and have only posted when i felt compelled to write. if you have a deadline then that’s a different issue. it really depends on what you NEED to write. (honestly the most awesome advice of the evening. SO very true.) 

2) Well, what in the world is your blog about?  You didn’t mention any topic!  Politics? Religion? Fitness? Babies? Sex? Speaking of sex, here’s one for you from my personal life (which I probably shouldn’t be sharing):  is it common for married women to stop having sex with their husbands?

 Ok, so I gave you some type of topic to write about. (Yes, yes you have. But whoa. When you email people from Craigslist, you never know where your email will end up. Perhaps you shouldn’t email people on Craigslist to begin with, buddy. Just a thought.)

 

3) I could probably help or at least attempt to depending on the subject matter. I usually have spare ideas I’m not using for anything in particular

and I can be pretty decent when it comes to finding information on Google
but if that’s no help I can still be useful as a repository for obscure trivia.
like did you know attempting to sing “Be Prepared” in the lion king Jeremy Irons “threw out” his voice on the line “You wont get a sniff without me!”
and fellow cast member Jim Cummings had to fill in for him the rest of the song. (this one ended up telling me about a George Washington Shaped Chicken Nugget which sold for 8k on e-bay. When he said repository for obscure trivia? He wasn’t kidding.) 

 

4) So, what do you write about generally? (I’m not even going to bore you with where this went) 

 

5) You know, I was all gung-ho about helping you get to new ideas …

Until you mentioned psychoanalzying The Biebs and getting deep into one of his songs.
Then I realized that you already had enough genius for both of us.
But if you’d like someone to talk to while getting into that adorable boy’s mind, then I’d glady offer my services. As long as you understand why I’d go worked up over it .. I mean, come on … that hair. (this one led to a really awesome full on conversation about the Biebs, Elvis Presley, the Stones, The Beatles, confused HS kids, Shakira, and a whole bunch of other stuff. He’s awesome. Even more awesome than the Bieb’s hair.) 
6) I doubt this will even reach you because I’m sure the second you posted that ad on Craigslist, your email inbox was swarmed by dozens of guys who are a dime a dozen. I’m not one of those guys. I’m 33, HWP, South American and very down to earth. Love to cook, soccer, the outdooors. I am fun, sarcastic, caring, friendly, athletic, well-educated & mannered. I reside in the (redacted)area. Love to try new things, places, food, in this case friendships.If you read this and are interested AND you’re not a spambot, pls reply and we can go from there and exchange pics. (Umm.. okay, but Dude? I was asking for help with writing. In the Strictly Platonic section. I am NOT looking for a sexy latin ma.. oh.. wait.. HI. Just kidding. I deleted his email without responding after I copied the text here.) 

7) maybe you could write about those homeless hotspots put on by sxsw…or even how commercial sxsw has become… (legitimate ideas, granted, and something I’d noticed via Twitter this past week. But not light enough for my Wednesday post. Thanks for playing.) 

8 ) What exactly are you stuck on? (Bubble gum. Super glue. Batman? Harvey Dent….Can we trust him? Wonder-woman? That funny purple blob otherwise known as Barney? Taffy? Toe jam? Rubber Cement? Elmer’s Glue? That strange sticky stuff on the school bus seat?) 

9) Well I;ve got brain tsunamis LOL I am crative, but run into the same problem sometimes. But I like the idea of being helpful. (Oh the cringe-worthiness of this one. Explain to me what “crative” is, please. Anyone? Bueller? Also, I don’t think we’re suffering from the same thing here. I know how to spell and use proper grammar.) 

10) Yes, I would like to help you, do you use yahoo instant messenger or gchat? (maybe. but i’m already writing, also, why does your email address name show up as “tom green” when you’ve signed your name as something completely different? Be funny on your own without invoking the name of someone professionally hilarious.) 

Whatever Wednesday: Lost in a soothing chimera

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My mind is quiet today.

It shouldn’t be, there is a lot going on up there.

But as I wander through the aisles, it’s as if everything on the shelves suddenly disappears just as I reach for it to place it in my cart. My hand passes through empty space instead of jars filled with thoughts and feelings. Every aisle is the same. Full as I start my trip down each new row, list in my hand, I arrive at the desired item only to have it vanish as soon as I reach out.

Finally, I abandon my cart and leave it to dissipate along with my thoughts, finally understanding there’s no point to continuing this exercise in futility. I exit the store and enter a field covered in poppies, a babbling brook coursing through the middle of the stimulating red flowers and soothing green blades of sweet grass. Butterflies flit to and fro, bumblebees hum as they gorge themselves upon sweet pollen.

My mind is empty today.

Busy, but empty.

A contradiction in action.

For now, I’m drifting in the silence, listening to soft murmuring thoughts, and contemplating the meanings behind their syllabic cadence. I’m letting the poppies grow across my body and losing myself in their aromatic fragrance carried across me by a gentle breeze. Giving myself permission to just be in the midst of the melange of introspection, losing myself in a soothing chimera.

How are you spending today?

Whatever Wednesday: Like a Vulcan

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I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
I didn’t know how lost I was
Until I melded with you

I was beat incomplete
I’d been had, I was cold and blue
But you made me steel
Yeah, you made me steel.
Shiny and new

Like a vulcan
Purged for the very first time
Like a vulcan
When your logic rests
Next to mine

Gonna give you all my mind, boy
My emotion is fading fast
Been keeping it all from you
‘Cause only logic can last

You’re so devoid and you’re mine
Make me heartless, yeah you make me cold
Oh your logic thawed out
Yeah, your logic thawed out
What was getting cold

Like a vulcan (hey)
Purged for the very first time (yeah yeah)
Like a vulcan
When your logic rests
Next to mine

Oooh (whoah)
oooh, (whoah whoah)
oooh (yah yeah yeah)
(whoah whoah)

You’re so devoid and you’re mine
I’ll be yours ’till the end of time
‘Cause you made me steel
Yeah, you made me steel..
I’ve nothing to feel

Like a vulcan , hey
(you make me feel like a vulcan)
Purged for the very first time
(Ohhh baby)
Like a vulcan
When your logic rests
Next to mine

Like a vulcan, ooh, ooh
Like a vulcan (yeahh)
Feels so empty inside
When you purge me (when you purge me)
When your logic rests (when your logic rests)
When you neglect me (when you neglect me baby)

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh (yeah)
Ooh, baby
ohh
Like a vulcan

 

(the inspiration for the above rewrite of Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” came about after a brief discussion with my mother about how to politely tell someone you didn’t want to discuss emotions – by telling them you wanted to be “Like a Vulcan.”)

Whatever Wednesday: Learning to breathe

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When we’re born, everyone waits for our first scream. Ironically, it’s the only scream for which most parents are grateful. The rest of them are more like nails on a chalkboard. A siren in the middle of the night, a replacement for the alarm clock, a signal which demands immediate attention.

But that first scream – it’s when we first prove our worth, our life, the functioning of our lungs. Every breath after that is involuntary. Heck, even that first one is but it’s translated as on purpose by those surrounding us on our original birthday.

So, why then, would we need to learn to breathe again if it’s something our body just does?

Stress. Anxiety. Fear. Trauma. Happiness. Joy. Surprise.  Life. Things which temporarily steal our breath. Moments during which our intake lasts longer and we must consciously remind our lungs to exhale and inhale. You know them – moments in which everything around you stops, slows down, swirls about you as if you’re stuck mercilessly in some sort of vortex.

For many, those moments are few and far between. For many, it may not happen at all. But for those of us who know these moments all too well whether they be for good or bad, learning how to breathe again can be an exhausting task. We learn how to breathe deeply in the face of adversity. To take in the air in front of us slowly and exhale it slowly. To take poisoned angry air and exhale it with joy. It’s not about literally breathing. It’s about forcing ourselves to continue to move forward with our lives even when all we really want to do is inhale and never exhale again because that next breath? Will be the hardest damn inhale we’ve ever had to take in our entire lives. Shattered, broken, crumpled, exhausted, breathing is last on our list of things to do. We flail, shudder, convulse, everything but gasp for air. Gasp for survival. We run away from it. The pain awaiting us with that next breath overwhelms us and we run. Even though we KNOW it’s not what we should do – that we should run headlong into that fear, toward it like a linebacker toward a quarterback about to throw a game winning touchdown. Tackling that quarterback is going to hurt like hell. But it will feel good. That quarterback? Is fear. Is anxiety. Is stress. Is trauma. We can’t let it win the game. Ever.

Run toward the quarterback. Knock him flat on his back. Scream at him the whole way. Fight for it. Don’t let him win the game. Because you? You know how to breathe. You’re worth it. And you? Have got this game in the bag.