Tag Archives: God

When is too much really TOO MUCH?

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I have often wondered at times, heck, even marveled at women who seem to take on the world and appear to excel in all they do. How do they do it? How on EARTH do they keep up with everything and appear so calm and suave? Even with all that I now do and have been through, I have no idea.

There are days that go just right. No one screams or fusses, no one has an potty accident, don’t have to clean up after the girls (or the dogs), and the day just flows.

Then there are days like today where from the moment that I roll out of bed, it’s all downhill. Breakfast snack wasn’t the right thing, Alli got out of her room and got the ice pops out of the freezer, proceeded to yell and scream and throw fits the entire day to the point of being put in her room and left there so I could calm down before dealing with her zillionth tantrum in two hours. Cameron bit me twice today while nursing so he didn’t nurse much today at all, Charlotte needed to go potty every 5 seconds and of course it was gray, humid, and wet from yesterday’s storms so we couldn’t go outside to play, no TV show was the right one for us to watch, the girls wanted to play with what the OTHER one had – of course! Why would it be any different? Oh, and Maggie almost pooped on the couch right next to Charlotte as we all cuddled up to watch TV that we had actually agreed on! *sighs*

I know the whole nursing/supplementing thing is getting to me. It was so hard not to blame myself. After all, I have been Cameron’s ONLY source of food since birth. How do you not blame yourself? And now that we’re weaning (even though I’ve decided to keep nursing as long as he’s interested even with the formula), I know I’ve got a whole ‘nother issue with the prolactin and hormones coming ’round. To be honest, last Monday I was pissed. Pissed because I had finally been doing really well again – had been happy, confident, cheery – more than I had been in quite some time and then WHAM! the whole issue with Cameron and POP goes my happy bubble. I felt guilty about being pissed over my happy bubble being popped. I mean, c’mon – I should be concerned about my son – and I was, I am – but instead there I was, moping about my happy bubble. Everyone kept telling me that I couldn’t blame myself that there was a myriad of reasons that he wasn’t doing well – to which I replied – Yeap, got the flow chart in my head already, you’re not telling me anything new. I almost made the flow chart. Thinking that may have been a bit over the top.  I moved through my emotions on Monday pretty quickly, or so I had thought. I am so hoping this is PMS and not PPD that’s been lying in wait, ready to pounce at the first sign of honest vulnerability. I’ve got a lot going on elsewhere too and as crazy as it sounds have been so busy that I haven’t even had time to do a to-do list. It’s on my mental to-do list to do a to-do list (try saying THAT three times fast) but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it. i’ve got to otherwise this is just not going to get any better and I will become even more lost in the forest of tasks that seem to be springing up around me, especially if I keep having days like today.

I feel like a deflated clown punching bag after a state fair.

Just toss me in the corner and leave me to be covered in hay and dirt and Lord only knows what else.

I’m pissed. I’m apathetic. I’m just well – here. I don’t really want to be awake but not quite ready to go to sleep yet. I can’t think of a darn thing to cheer myself up besides coming here and just letting it all hang out in naked honesty. I need to pray. I need to go lay down and read the Bible and find my answer there.

Hey – Chris is listening to the radio on his computer and it’s my favourite uplifting song – Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Starting to feel better already. :-)

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. Alli will be starting music camp so she’ll be gone from 9a – 12n every morning through Friday. I’m ready for another break.

Mozzarella in the Toaster?

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Let me start out by saying that yesterday was perfect. No problems at ALL with the girls – I didn’t have to discipline either one of them even once. I was also up at five a.m. and able to get to them before they got out of their room. We had also received a YogaKids DVD in the mail and they did that three times – yes, my kids did 90 minutes of yoga yesteday! :-)

 

This morning however – complete opposite. I set my alarm for 6, thinking it wouldn’t matter – WRONG. I overslept until nearly 7 and as soon as I opened our bedroom door and made it far enough out to see the kitchen, I knew we were in trouble. The closer I got to the kitchen, I could smell something but didn’t place it until I got into the kitchen and felt the top of the toaster. Hot. So I asked Alli (who was still in the kitchen) what she had put in the toaster. She responded with “Cheese.”

“And then I put it in the sink to cool it off!”

Um, well, hey, at least she can think, right? (Apparently a little too well)

(Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, we have a tremendously loud alarm on their gate. And no, it didn’t go off – because Alli dragged Charlotte’s bed over to the gate and proceeded to bypass the gate entirely by climbing OVER and dropping down into the kitchen. Welcome to my life with my kids)

So today is going to be one of those days again.

I refuse however, to let this define my attitude today.

I refuse to be dragged down into the murky depths of anger and depression because of this.

That WILL not happen.

I am giving this all to the Lord and am going to rely on my faith in Him to get me through this. Because frankly, if I try to deal with this on my own, I will break and that won’t be good for anyone.

Blessings indeed!

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Sue McRoberts, author of The Lifter of my Head, emailed me last week requesting an interview. I excitedly agreed and then immediately came down with a nasty spring/summer cold. Ugh. Finally recovered enough to think straight, I completed the interview today and wow – she’s got it up already!

Sue has meant a lot to me and the way she entered my life seemed to be random at the time but with everything that has happened in the past few months, I have no doubt that God placed her in my life to allow me to witness how comfortable it feels to be open and honest about my faith in relation to my PPD experience, something I had been struggling with since first starting my journey in helping others. God has truly allowed Sue to be a shining example of how a strong Christian woman can be herself and not be at all afraid of what others think. So a tremendous thank you to God for placing her in my life and a tremendous thank you to Sue for allowing Him to work in yours.

Click here to read the interview!

I need toothpicks!

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I am in serious need of toothpicks, tape, or several cases of Jolt Cola. (Do they even make that anymore?)

Cameron has been waking up at 4am this week. Last week it was 3am. He hit a new milestone last week – turning over onto his belly. This week he’s full force into teething and fussy mode. Fortunately teething tabs, a blankie, and the TV soothe him pretty quickly. As for me, I have been living on coffee and fumes. My mood is seriously paying the price and I have been very irritable and difficult the past couple of weeks. (Sleep deprivation sucks!)

But at the same time, I have to say that even with the exhaustion, I have truly enjoyed my quiet moments with Cameron. When we fell asleep on the couch the other morning, I woke up before he did. I snuggled against his soft fuzzy head and breathed him in, my heart soaring and melting all at once. I squeezed him as tight as I dared and drank in the moment so deeply I thought I would drown. As I was drinking in this beautiful infant moment, Alli and Charlotte’s screams of morning waking shattered the peace. I forced myself to block out their outside voices and focused instead on the joy in my heart and the tiny gift lying asleep on my chest – his body moving up and down with each breath, his hands moving ever so slightly here and there, soothed by his mother’s heartbeat and warmed by the maternal arms that wrapped around him as a sunbeam on an oak tree in the middle of July.

I do not take this for granted.

I do not forget to thank God for this experience.

And most importantly, I do not forget to lose myself in the joy of having a normal postpartum experience.

For it is one of the most awesome and breathtaking experiences I have ever had.

Sharing the Journey with my Mom!

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Happy May Day!

Today I am starting a series of interviews in honor of Mother’s Day. Interviews this month are focusing on Mothers of women who have suffered from Postpartum Depression. Up first is someone I am very happy to have the privilege of being close to and honoured that she agreed to be interviewd for my blog. My Mother is an intensely private person and yet it is because of her that I feel comfortable in being myself and reaching out to others. Raising three kids is no easy task (as I am discovering these days) and I am grateful that I have my mom to reach out to and certainly do not take that for granted. Thanks for all you have done for me over the years, Mom, and Thank you for your wonderful continued support in my life!

1) I know that you have a strong faith in God. How do you feel watching me go through Postpartum Depression and the subsequent growth I’ve experienced has affected your relationship with Him? Has it made it stronger?
 
   Having a close relationship with the Lord, has allowed me to let Him take care of  life situations. Through all the PPD that you have experienced His strength has given me just all the more reason to be thankful for the gift of patience and understanding. It has been amazing to look back just not at your journey but mine also and seeing the understanding of what and who God can be in our lives everyday.
    As far as a stronger relationship with God, every year I grow with Him in my life, His strength has always been the strongest for me, and His strength is always there.
  
2) When and how did you first realize something wasn’t quite right with me after Allison’s birth? What were some of the signs that didn’t sit well with you?
 
       Being the mother of three children myself, and that back when PPD was really just something that was not talked about or not even believed to have existed, my feelings of what you went through were really not in that place at that time. I can only understand after Allisons birth the constant calling to be reassured was a need for security from my point of view. Unfortunately because of the distance of living situations I only heard your feelings and immediately prayed and gave them  and your family to the Lord.
    
 3) I want to Thank You for your willingness to help so much after Charlotte’s birth when we were back and forth to the NICU. How hard was it for you to come down and help care for Allison while watching Chris and I go back and forth to Atlanta to visit our newborn daughter?
 
       This is a very easy question, I have always felt if I could be there for our children I would be. It comes back as your mom I knew that in my heart you would feel much better knowing I was there for you and your family. This particular time was when you started sharing more with me the emotional struggles because of Charlotte’s disability and also the understanding of the situation among all family members was new so there was quite a bit of distress.
 
4) You also dropped everything to come down when I was admitted to the hospital for PPD to help Chris with the girls. What were some of your thoughts as we went through that weekend?
 
     My immediate reaction when I read this question was one of I prayed! Next I knew because of what you, again had shared, the reasoning at this time was a medication issue. I will just say that the peace that God gave me is a big answer for this one. It was His strength not mine and His peace came  along with it.
 
5) How do you feel I am doing this time around with postpartum issues?
 
   You are more understanding, mainly because you are aware of what the problems can be. You still call a lot but I am seeing more of you sharing what the children are doing and the funny sayings, antics etc. I see a willingness to look outside “yourself” which in my opinion has helped you grow because
 its  allowed you to see how others in your life live. Your own relationship with the Lord has grown. That is a wonderful blessing!
 
 
6) What, if anything, have you learned from my postpartum experiences?
 
    I guess one of the biggest things I learned is that I do feel for all the mothers out there who had PPD and had no idea what was going on with their emotions.
Years ago when PPD was unknown and how so many of us have been affected and we kept asking is this normal?  To understand that as a society today we also no longer have families living close by and therefore the help that would once have been there has caused extra stress and therefore insecurities.
  
7) Do you feel that my motherhood has brought us closer?
 
    Yes and no. Yes, because of knowing that you care about my opinion and also seeing the relationship with our Lord growing. No, because of the distance of where we live keeps a lot of what we would share face to face out of the spectrum of our lives.
 
8 ) Have you done any research on your own into Postpartum Mood Disorders? If so, did what you find surprise you?
 
      I have done a bit but since at my age I am experiencing a lot of emotional changes in my own life I am giving it to the Lord who has been my strength when I have needed it. I am hardly ever surprised at much anymore. Emotions run the gamut, all over map.
 
9) What is your opinion on how open I am about my experiences and my determination to help other women not suffer alone?
 
       This, is one area I can say I am proud of you that you have taken it upon yourself to let others see and hear about what you have gone through. A beginning, yes, for knowing you have ” kept” a part of yourself and I know as your children grow you will hold onto yourself so when you are older you will know who you are.
 
10) Any advice for other mothers whose daughters are struggling with a Postpartum Mood Disorder?
 
    As you have shared many times already, keep the communication lines open. There will be plenty of times when as a parent you really have a hard time dealing with communication but I have found it the best way to help is to listen and learn and also just be there even if you have nothing to say. I have always shared with my children that if you ask I will give you my opinion, but you do not have to take it. There are so many resources out there now and some of the best advice I can give is to get all the advice you can from all possible places and then make an informed decision. Prayer for my family has always been an answer, God opens the doors to show me the right decision to make!  As a parent of someone who has PPD, just give love unconditionally!