Tag Archives: faith

Mozzarella in the Toaster?

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Let me start out by saying that yesterday was perfect. No problems at ALL with the girls – I didn’t have to discipline either one of them even once. I was also up at five a.m. and able to get to them before they got out of their room. We had also received a YogaKids DVD in the mail and they did that three times – yes, my kids did 90 minutes of yoga yesteday! :-)

 

This morning however – complete opposite. I set my alarm for 6, thinking it wouldn’t matter – WRONG. I overslept until nearly 7 and as soon as I opened our bedroom door and made it far enough out to see the kitchen, I knew we were in trouble. The closer I got to the kitchen, I could smell something but didn’t place it until I got into the kitchen and felt the top of the toaster. Hot. So I asked Alli (who was still in the kitchen) what she had put in the toaster. She responded with “Cheese.”

“And then I put it in the sink to cool it off!”

Um, well, hey, at least she can think, right? (Apparently a little too well)

(Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, we have a tremendously loud alarm on their gate. And no, it didn’t go off – because Alli dragged Charlotte’s bed over to the gate and proceeded to bypass the gate entirely by climbing OVER and dropping down into the kitchen. Welcome to my life with my kids)

So today is going to be one of those days again.

I refuse however, to let this define my attitude today.

I refuse to be dragged down into the murky depths of anger and depression because of this.

That WILL not happen.

I am giving this all to the Lord and am going to rely on my faith in Him to get me through this. Because frankly, if I try to deal with this on my own, I will break and that won’t be good for anyone.

Confessions from a black hole

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Last Saturday night I had a panic attack.

Alli had gone home with the in-laws to spend the night after her recital and I ended up having to take some pull-ups and church clothes over for her.

After I left, I headed over to Zaxby’s to grab some dinner for Chris and I.

The anxiety started gaining momentum as I left their neighborhood and continued to build the closer I got to Zaxby’s. You see, the intersection where Zaxby’s is located is where I had my accident on March 29th. At 10pm. On a Saturday night. (It was approaching 10p the closer I got to Zaxby’s.)

I pulled up to the speaker to place my order and the employee wouldn’t be quiet long enough for me to think. And that’s when it hit me.Black Hole Milkyway

My chest got tight, my throat started to close and I couldn’t breathe fast enough or get any sounds to come out. I wanted to yell at the employee, tell her to shut up so I could think!

I pulled away from the speaker and parked. I could hear her saying “ma’am? Ma’am” over the speaker over and over again but I didn’t care.

My mind was racing – I have to stop this, I have got to STOP this I have to – what if I can’t. What if I just drive into the car in front of me – what if I can’t stop this and I get stuck here. I can’t face Chris’ parents like this. Breathe dammit just Breathe. C’mon. Breathe. Open your throat and friggin breathe. And yeah, like that. Oh just shut up! (reached down to turn the radio off. C’mon. You KNOW what to do. You’ve got to break the cycle, interrupt the pace, slow things down. Don’t freak out. You CANNOT FREAK OUT. YOU CAN’T! GET A GRIP. Breathe. deeeeeeep slow breaths. There you go. Breathe. In through your nose, pull in your abs, out through your mouth, exhale into your ribs. Close your eyes. Relax. Let everything go loose. Don’t think about the drive through. Don’t think about the fear, stop. Stop and Breathe. Pray. Breathe. Pray. BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally calming myself down enough to think somewhat straight and feeling strong enough, I pulled back up to the speaker to order again.

After placing the order, I called Chris to let him know why I was running so late. Nevermind that, I had ordered the wrong thing he told me. And at that time it didn’t matter that I had just had a panic attack. I didn’t sound panicked he would later tell me so he didn’t know if I was being over dramatic or not. (Note: We did discuss this a few days later when we were both calm and in a sane state of mind. He apologized as did I. I also had the order fixed at the window prior to returning home)

The rest of the evening a total wash, I collapsed into bed shortly after returning home, completely drained after having all that adrenaline running free throughout my body.

The next morning at church I started down the road to Panicville once again but this time I cut it off before the left turn got started.

I’ll never know the real trigger. I’m sure though it had something to do with the accident and knowing that court was just around the corner.

I’m writing this because I need to get it out, I need to deal.

Tonight I wanted a cheeseburger. I didn’t decide this until 930p. The closest cheeseburger place is up near the intersection where my accident occurred. Again it is a Saturday night. Close to 10p. And yes, I was afraid to drive. I know for sure I’ll be discussing this with my therapist this week. I did discuss last week’s panic attack with her already but hadn’t felt up to writing about it until tonight.

Gotta take the good with the bad right?

Just turns out last Saturday night was a bad night. Gonna let it be.

Movin’ forward.

Next?

Psalm 37:5

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praying hands

Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.

This morning I spent in the confines of a local courthouse awaiting legal ramifications from my accident on March 29th earlier this year. Chris, his dad, and our pastor were all with me. And God was there, surrounding all of us and comforting me as I sat and waited. And waited some more. And some more.

We spoke with the prosecutor and shared with him my extenuating circumstances. Thankfully he took compassion on my situation and the court was merciful. I am on probation and will have to pay fines as well as restitution. Probation will end early if I pay restitution, fines, and provide proof of insurance and an up to date tag on any vehicle I own. I did not have any points placed on my license for the accident or the insurance and for that I am grateful. They could have taken away my license if they had wanted to do so. And when we called about restitution after arriving home, it had been reduced significantly. Let’s hope it stays that way!

I am relieved court is over and we can continue to move forward. There’s still a long road ahead of us but we are grateful for the opportunity to grow in our marriage and in our relationship with the Lord.

Sharing the Journey with Helena Bradford

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Welcome to the second interview in this month’s series, Mothers of Women who have Struggled with PPD. Today’s interview is with Helena Bradford, mother to Ruth. Helena has courageously dedicated her life to helping women with PPD through her foundation, the Ruth Rhoden Craven Foundation. She tragically lost Ruth to PPD as a result of inadequate medical care and lack of information provided by medical professionals and is passionate about not letting that happen to anyone else. Helena has a wonderful quote as part of her email signature and it has immersed itself in my life and has kept my bad days limited to being singular in occurence as I remind myself of WHO holds my tomorrow. I want to share it with you and thank Helena for sharing it with those who email her.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds,
but I know Who holds tomorrow.

Helena truly has turned her tragic loss into such a powerful and wonderful shining light, filling those who are suffering with hope and allowing them to know that yes, there are people who care and they are NOT alone in their suffering. Thank you Helena, for your bravery, optimism, perseverance, and compassion. All four are awesome traits needed in the PPD world and we are indeed a lucky community to have your dedication to improving and spreading knowledge and resources to women and families who need it!

  

What was it about your daughter’s experience with PPD that led you to start the Ruth Rhoden Craven Foundation?

 The fact that she received exceptionally poor treatment and died as a result. We received no information about PPD, no guidance in how to help Ruth stay alive, and no support from the medical community. We were certainly never told PPD was temporary and totally treatable, so these are some of the services we provide to the public through our Foundation. 

 How soon after your daughter gave birth did you begin to notice something wasn’t quite right with her? What were some of her primary symptoms?

 Shortly after delivery – like a day or two. Ruth’s symptoms included:  

  • I’m not sure I’m capable of taking care of this baby

  • Social withdrawal; behavior totally out of character

    Ruth made the statement she felt she needed to be institutionalized and that scared her to death

  • MEGA frustration and feelings of inadequacy – how can I do everything that has to be done and do it in a manner acceptable to me?

  • “Freaking out”, internally, every time the baby cried even though she knew there was someone there to take care of Andrew when she didn’t feel she could. Felt it was her responsibility – not someone else’s

  • Couldn’t sleep because her brain wouldn’t quit racing about how she was going to get everything done for the baby as well as her normal, everyday duties – mega problems with sleep deprivation

  • Found her on the floor in a corner between two large pieces of furniture one morning. When asked why she was there, she said she was hiding.

 

  What were some things that you drew strength from during this difficult time with Ruth?

 My faith in God and the support of friends and church family. 

 Has working with the Ruth Rhoden Craven Foundation taken Ruth’s tragedy and turned it into something positive for you?  

   Absolutely! I believe God has taken Ruth’s totally needless death and saved many lives through the story of her tragedy.  

 How uplifting is it for you when you are able to successfully help a woman and family in need?  

 Indescribably powerful and affirming. Being able to rescue moms and their families from the devastation of postpartum depression/perinatal mood disorders removes some of the senselessness of Ruth’s death. It gives positive meaning to her life and to the beautiful person she was.  

  Do you feel that the resources available to women with PPD have improved? 

 Yes they have, but we still have an exceptionally long way to go to eliminate tragedies and devastated lives and families as a result of PPD. I would say the majority of medical care givers and lay people are still totally ignorant of facts surrounding perinatal mood disorders and their treatment. That’s unacceptable.  

 

 What were some of the things you did as a mother to try to help Ruth?  

 I lived with Ruth and took care of her, the house and the baby for nearly 6 weeks. In addition, I brought her home with me a couple of times. For 2 ½ months, I was with Ruth more than I was away from her. Although that kind of support is crucial in battling PPD, it may not be enough if bad medical treatment is being received. It certainly wasn’t for Ruth. 

I tried to find good medical care for her but was unsuccessful. I wish I had taken her to Raleigh, NC where there is a PPD support group. I think she would have benefited tremendously from the group. 

 

 Tell us about your Walk/Run coming up in September that helps to raise awareness for PPD as well as funds for your organization. How did it get started? 

 Well, that’s a really neat story. One of the sweetest men in the world came to our house one night about five years ago to deliver an oxygen machine to my husband that his doctor had prescribed. While Gary was explaining the operation of the machine to us, we got off on the subject of the Foundation. After hearing Ruth’s story, Gary was in tears and said he wanted to do a fundraiser for us. THAT was the birth of the PPD Awareness Walk/Run. 

 The Run is held annually at Hampton Park in Charleston, SC. (For more information, please visit our web site at www.ppdsupport.org.) Both runners and walkers are invited to participate. Each year folks from all over our country, who work with PPD issues, travel to Charleston to participate. To me, that’s the most fun part because I get to meet the dedicated, passionate professionals and volunteers (some are PPD survivors) with whom I work throughout the year. 

 

 In your opinion, what should all expectant mothers know about PPD? 

  Postpartum Depression is totally treatable and is a temporary illness. No one needs to die as a result of it.  

  • There is help available. Please reach out for it, and don’t hesitate to change doctors if you feel you are receiving improper treatment or if you are not being heard. Postpartum depression is a valid illness that is equally as serious as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. Thank God, it is temporary if treated early on and properly

  • Although there are definite risk factors for experiencing PPD, to my knowledge there is no way to know who will experience it and who won’t. That’s why I feel good PPD information should be provided in all birthing classes.

Have a plan in place before symptoms appear – just in case you happen to experience PPD. Some of the things a plan should include are:

  • a psychiatrist who is experienced in treating PPD

  • a night nurse or postpartum doula to take care of the baby at night so the mom can get plenty of sleep at night. This is critical.

  • friends/family members who will help the mom for several weeks (minimum) after she comes home from the hospital 

    

 Any advice for other mothers whose daughters are struggling with a Postpartum Mood Disorder?

 Make sure your daughter finds the best available medical care. Help her understand medication is necessary in most cases, and there is nothing wrong with taking that medication any more than it is to take medication for heart problems, diabetes or a whole host of other physical ailments. PPD is a physical illness that just happens to affect the brain instead of some other “more acceptable” organ in the body. No one deserves or asks for PPD!

Sharing the Journey with my Mom!

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Happy May Day!

Today I am starting a series of interviews in honor of Mother’s Day. Interviews this month are focusing on Mothers of women who have suffered from Postpartum Depression. Up first is someone I am very happy to have the privilege of being close to and honoured that she agreed to be interviewd for my blog. My Mother is an intensely private person and yet it is because of her that I feel comfortable in being myself and reaching out to others. Raising three kids is no easy task (as I am discovering these days) and I am grateful that I have my mom to reach out to and certainly do not take that for granted. Thanks for all you have done for me over the years, Mom, and Thank you for your wonderful continued support in my life!

1) I know that you have a strong faith in God. How do you feel watching me go through Postpartum Depression and the subsequent growth I’ve experienced has affected your relationship with Him? Has it made it stronger?
 
   Having a close relationship with the Lord, has allowed me to let Him take care of  life situations. Through all the PPD that you have experienced His strength has given me just all the more reason to be thankful for the gift of patience and understanding. It has been amazing to look back just not at your journey but mine also and seeing the understanding of what and who God can be in our lives everyday.
    As far as a stronger relationship with God, every year I grow with Him in my life, His strength has always been the strongest for me, and His strength is always there.
  
2) When and how did you first realize something wasn’t quite right with me after Allison’s birth? What were some of the signs that didn’t sit well with you?
 
       Being the mother of three children myself, and that back when PPD was really just something that was not talked about or not even believed to have existed, my feelings of what you went through were really not in that place at that time. I can only understand after Allisons birth the constant calling to be reassured was a need for security from my point of view. Unfortunately because of the distance of living situations I only heard your feelings and immediately prayed and gave them  and your family to the Lord.
    
 3) I want to Thank You for your willingness to help so much after Charlotte’s birth when we were back and forth to the NICU. How hard was it for you to come down and help care for Allison while watching Chris and I go back and forth to Atlanta to visit our newborn daughter?
 
       This is a very easy question, I have always felt if I could be there for our children I would be. It comes back as your mom I knew that in my heart you would feel much better knowing I was there for you and your family. This particular time was when you started sharing more with me the emotional struggles because of Charlotte’s disability and also the understanding of the situation among all family members was new so there was quite a bit of distress.
 
4) You also dropped everything to come down when I was admitted to the hospital for PPD to help Chris with the girls. What were some of your thoughts as we went through that weekend?
 
     My immediate reaction when I read this question was one of I prayed! Next I knew because of what you, again had shared, the reasoning at this time was a medication issue. I will just say that the peace that God gave me is a big answer for this one. It was His strength not mine and His peace came  along with it.
 
5) How do you feel I am doing this time around with postpartum issues?
 
   You are more understanding, mainly because you are aware of what the problems can be. You still call a lot but I am seeing more of you sharing what the children are doing and the funny sayings, antics etc. I see a willingness to look outside “yourself” which in my opinion has helped you grow because
 its  allowed you to see how others in your life live. Your own relationship with the Lord has grown. That is a wonderful blessing!
 
 
6) What, if anything, have you learned from my postpartum experiences?
 
    I guess one of the biggest things I learned is that I do feel for all the mothers out there who had PPD and had no idea what was going on with their emotions.
Years ago when PPD was unknown and how so many of us have been affected and we kept asking is this normal?  To understand that as a society today we also no longer have families living close by and therefore the help that would once have been there has caused extra stress and therefore insecurities.
  
7) Do you feel that my motherhood has brought us closer?
 
    Yes and no. Yes, because of knowing that you care about my opinion and also seeing the relationship with our Lord growing. No, because of the distance of where we live keeps a lot of what we would share face to face out of the spectrum of our lives.
 
8 ) Have you done any research on your own into Postpartum Mood Disorders? If so, did what you find surprise you?
 
      I have done a bit but since at my age I am experiencing a lot of emotional changes in my own life I am giving it to the Lord who has been my strength when I have needed it. I am hardly ever surprised at much anymore. Emotions run the gamut, all over map.
 
9) What is your opinion on how open I am about my experiences and my determination to help other women not suffer alone?
 
       This, is one area I can say I am proud of you that you have taken it upon yourself to let others see and hear about what you have gone through. A beginning, yes, for knowing you have ” kept” a part of yourself and I know as your children grow you will hold onto yourself so when you are older you will know who you are.
 
10) Any advice for other mothers whose daughters are struggling with a Postpartum Mood Disorder?
 
    As you have shared many times already, keep the communication lines open. There will be plenty of times when as a parent you really have a hard time dealing with communication but I have found it the best way to help is to listen and learn and also just be there even if you have nothing to say. I have always shared with my children that if you ask I will give you my opinion, but you do not have to take it. There are so many resources out there now and some of the best advice I can give is to get all the advice you can from all possible places and then make an informed decision. Prayer for my family has always been an answer, God opens the doors to show me the right decision to make!  As a parent of someone who has PPD, just give love unconditionally!