Category Archives: women

Ebb and Flow

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A cold snuck up on me this past weekend. Friday morning I had the sniffles. Chalked it up to allergies. By the end of the day I had phoned my OB’s office to find out what medicines I could take. I felt myself slipping into the downward spiral of the severe blah’s. My eyes hurt, I could hardly keep my them open, my throat was scratchy and sore. And the giveaway of imminent illness – a craving for Chicken noodle soup. I HATE chicken noodle soup and absolutely do not eat the stuff unless I’m sick. I even visited Progresso’s website to make sure they had a decent version. Couldn’t tell though – they just had the names listed, not pictures. Chris picked me up a can on the way home from work. I downed the soup once he got home and went straight to bed at 830p. I should mention that I had been awake since 5a that morning with a runny nose and severe pelvic pain on top of everything else. He also brought me some medicine which I took even before I ate my soup.

I felt better Saturday morning but still had a craving for Chicken Noodle Soup. Odd for me – I never crave anything other than breakfast food in the morning. I even thought about eating the chicken and rice soup we had but I dislike that even more than chicken noodle soup. Took medicine all day Saturday and didn’t really eat much but did keep hydrated. Had a huge italian dinner though. Would have been better if I had cooked it at home but hey, when you’re sick – taste isn’t really a huge factor.

I’m much better now, off cold meds, and the sniffles are mostly gone.

Charlotte started to self-feed over the weekend. It’s been exciting and bittersweet at the same time. I’m starting to go through the emotions of what I felt when I stopped pumping for her. She’s been sitting on my lap in the living room while I feed her so it’s been our “bonding” time. She is still on my lap but as soon as I get the dining room table cleaned off, we’ll start eating at the table. I knew she’d be growing up and I know this is a good thing but it’s still hard. I am so proud of her for how far she’s come – from a cleft palate &  being on an NG tube to a g-tube and now, less than a year after having her g-tube removed, she’s thriving and feeding herself. I couldn’t really ask for a bigger miracle. As for cuddle time, she has taken to picking up books, bringing them to me, slamming them in my lap, and then waiting for me to pick her up and read the book to her. Sometimes we make it through the entire book, sometimes just the first page. Depends on how tired she is when she brings the book to me. *sighs* Motherhood – full of ebb and flow…..

On another note, I purposefully recorded two episodes of Oprah last week. Halle Berry’s interview and Sinead O’Connor’s interviews both got snatched up by the TiVo. Both women said something that really stuck with me and probably wouldn’t have hit me the way they did had I not just experienced the past year and a half I did.

Halle Berry commented on how once you’ve been down in a valley, you learn the way out and when you go there again, you’re able to find the way out faster.  A lightbulb popped on in my head when she said that. Makes SO much sense and was very comforting to hear.

Sinead O’Connor’s comment that struck me was about medications. She stated that her medication provided the scaffolding that allowed her to recover. That when she was sick, it was like a brick here or there would just go missing and crumble. She kept saying that she probably wasn’t describing her experience to the best of her ability but I thought she did a rather fantastic job at making the mental illness journey a concrete image. (She also said that after taking meds the first time, she felt “concrete” filling in the holes…. Sinead has been diagnosed as bipolar)

I’m amazed at how differently I interpret and analyze things now. I am starting to put more of a positive spin on things and when I say something positive to someone in a day-to-day situation, I am somewhat surprised at myself but joyfully so. I am loving laughing more and being sillier with my kids and husband. My mom sometimes doesn’t know what to do with me because I’m even joking with her too now. She’s so not used to that. She’s used to me being serious and sarcastic which is funny to me now because I GOT my sense of humor from HER. She’s always been the one to emphasize trying to find the funny side of a situation. If you can laugh at it, then laugh. And I do try to laugh. If I didn’t, I’d cry, I think. Never been much of a crier though. I tend to hold things in and lash out with anger and irritability. Working on that though – have a feeling that will be a constant work in progress but I’m a LOT better than I used to be – and everyone around me will tell you so.

Gotta run, I hear Alli calling me.

It’s been awhile

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I was doing so well there for a bit – posting almost every day. Then Life got in the way.

On Friday, September 21, I found out that I had failed my one hour Glucose test. UGH. Went ahead and scheduled my 3 hour test for Monday the 24th just to get it all over with. After my three hour test, I didn’t feel so hot. I drank three instant breakfasts and ate two bananas before I stopped sweating and shaking. Barely made it through lunch with the girls and then I sacked out for the rest of the afternoon. I laid down on the couch at noon and didn’t wake up until four or so.

Wednesday the 26th was my birthday. On the 27th, we found out that a friend of ours had tragically lost his wife to a drowning accident. I was not doing well at all that evening and have been in a funk this entire week. Her viewing was Monday evening. I went and was prepared to go in, even if it was open casket (I’ve never ever been to an open casket anything). But then I picked up the “In remembrance of” pamphlet only to discover that she had died on my birthday. Well that just hit me like a ton of bricks and I let my husband go in by himself while I waited outside. We had discussed that I hadn’t really made up my mind yet about going in to see her.

I’ve been wanting to call my therapist all week and have been of course doing a LOT of praying. I have therapy tomorrow and can’t wait to go.

Alli’s been up and down this week too with her behaviour – I think she’s feeding off my negative energy and that’s made for a pretty difficult week. Charlotte’s teething too and for added fun she threw up the day before yesterday. Quite the busy week around here.

Chris surprised me last night with a bottle of my favourite chocolate milk in the world. It’s from a quaint dairy named Homestead Creamery in Burnt Chimney, VA, which is near where my family lives. Funny thing is I have YET to visit the Creamery whenever I do make it home but I just LOVE their products. Gotta love the “global” economy.

He also surprised me by getting dinner from a new pizza place nearby called Fox’s Pizza Den. There was one of these in the town I went to college in and I haven’t had their food since college (so it’s been about 7 yrs). He got me their garlic parm wings and half of a pizzaroni sub. YUM! :-) And yes, there has been chocolate ice cream and whipped cream in the house since last thursday. I think that’s a depression food requirement for me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be eating to be happy but hey, I can work it off later. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, right? 😉

And about my pelvic pain – PT is over so of course I hurt again. My brother graciously bought me a support belt for my birthday so I am anxiously awaiting it’s arrival. In the meantime, I am so sore that I was SUPPOSED to go to the grocery store this morning but being that I can barely walk, that’s out of the question. I go to bed every night hoping that tonight will be the night. Not so far… still waiting. So of course that’s frustrating. What’s really frustrating is that last friday was my last day in the pool and I was out of alignment when I went so I was thrilled to be going. I felt SO much better after going too. Then I got home and during quiet time, I had a tangling up of sorts with a baby gate and a toddler rocking chair. Didn’t fall face first but my legs did get spread out and wham! right back out of alignment. I took some tylenol immediately and prayed a LOT. I did feel better but now, not so much. Chris asked me this morning if there was anything he could do to make it better and I replied – “Yeah, snap your fingers and make it January” nothing happened when he snapped his fingers.

So maybe if we ALL snap our fingers together on the count of three…..

one

two

three….

(I’ll be waiting!)

Sharing some wisdom

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My previous post, Kids make everything better, received a comment yesterday afternoon. After deliberating on whether or not to approve it, I made the decision to delete the comment. However, the words from this woman’s comment are still haunting me and given the nature of my work, I view the chance to respond to her comment as a sincere opportunity to show compassion, warmth, and a bit of wisdom with her as well as with the rest of you.

The comment follows:

 post-partum depression sux.

but come on excited about peeing outside. three years olds get excited by everything.

do you really believe that kids make everything better? if so then why the PPD?  

Yes, Postpartum Depression does suck.  It sucks a lot. Not fun to go through it, not fun to watch someone go through it – I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But is an illness – something that we have no control over, something that we need treatment, support, and sometimes medication in order to recover. The stigma attached to admitting to postpartum depression is a huge barrier to treatment, especially when mothers are having intrusive thoughts about harming their child. These mothers (and I was one of them) become scared that if they are honest about these thoughts, their children will be taken away from them. They become consumed with guilt and riddled with more anxiety that they are a bad mother because they have these thoughts. BUT these thoughts are not their fault – they are not to blame – and seeking help/treatment makes them a GOOD mother because they are taking an important first step  in admitting something is wrong. For a lot of mothers, taking that first step is a very daunting one. And that’s why I do what I do now. I didn’t know where to turn for help. I did go to my doctor with my first case but was denied treatment because I wouldn’t stop nursing for “trial medicinal therapy” and I was more than the DSM-IV standard of 4wks postpartum before I sought treatment – even though most postpartum cases ARE diagnosed between two and four months Postpartum.  I know now that I should have sought additional help from another physician. At the time, I was so depressed I didn’t have the energy to do so. So I struggled from day to day. Eventually I improved (or thought I did) and then we got pregnant with our second child. Looking back, I was depressed the entire pregnancy which is what led to my second bout with Postpartum OCD, my most recent episode. My last episode taught me quite a bit and I have certainly become a better person for it – because I chose to turn and fight and not give in or up. And now I am paying it forward – helping other women just as there were women there to help me this time around. I feel that it is the least that i can do.

And yes, I believe that kids DO, on occasion, make everything better. Kids have a way of blurting out the funniest things or the most inane thing RIGHT when you need them to. If it weren’t for my three year old’s charming and innocent wit during my postpartum days, I don’t think I would have continued to have at least a few bright spots. She was constantly trying to cheer me up and make me laugh – even when I didn’t want to. But even she’s not a miracle worker and the PPD, just like cancer or diabetes, had to run it’s course before I started to improve. Having PP OCD was not my fault, I was not to blame, and I did get better – with help, including my daughter’s constant optimism and insane sense of humour.

Women with PPD deserve to be treated honestly, compassionately, and respectfully. They do not deserve to be belittled or told to snap out of it – trust me, if we could, we would. Unfortunately, we can’t. And I’d be willing to bet that most women who have suffered from PPD would agree that it’s very similar to being hit by a MAC truck while strolling in the park on a blissfully sunny day. It sneaks up on you and before you know it, you’re struggling to climb out of  a deep dark muddy hole. Recovery from the emotional scars PPD causes is messy, difficult, and yet quite rewarding when your head finally pops out and sweet sunshine and fresh air hit you – making you realize just how hard you’ve had to fight to get to where you are.

I am very proud to say that I am a TWO TIME survivor of PP OCD who is now paying it forward and shining the light on the path towards recovery for other women and families. I pray every day that I won’t relapse after this birth. Sure, I know more now, but there’s still the statistics, and yes, I am hoping to beat them but also preparing not to by educating my family (near and far), getting a plan in place in the near future for the “what if”, and filling my support up to overflowing, which is what I would advise any new mother to do if she were in my shoes. And I am blogging this pregnancy because I feel I owe it to other mothers out there in my shoes (planned or unplanned pregnancy after PPD), to give them a source of hope and light – to give them somewhere to come and not only find another woman who is traveling the same path they are,  to help them feel less isolated during their journey, but also to find access to resources and information that will give them courage and strength to help them as they walk their own paths. I pray that they will not suffer as I did – but if they do, I want them to know that help is out there – only a click or two away. They do not have to be alone during such a difficult and misunderstood time in their lives.

Kids make everything better…

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Right before I could type a single word here, my three year old yelled to me from her room (it’s quiet time) that she had to go potty. And so off I went – to help her get to the potty and to supervise – you know, ensure that the toilet paper didn’t ALL come off the roll, that she went IN the potty, etc. We talked about her ladybug. I brought her one as a surprise this morning. Yes, it was live. Now – well, not so much. She’s got it on her dresser top and is keeping a close eye on it. Hasn’t moved yet, she tells me. Maybe it’s taking a nap or like something she says. I tried to explain to her that it may just be not with us anymore. But she didn’t quite want accept that explanation, hence, the watching.

What I WAS going to type here wasn’t going to be nice – I needed to vent. Badly. But now I’m all better. Amazing how a discussion about a possibly dead ladybug and a three year old’s optimism that it’s not dead suddenly makes everything else melt away.

The girls and I went outside this morning to play. No stroller ride, just play. Charlotte hadn’t been walking outside yet and she was fascinated. She and I ended up just sitting down in the grass while Alli ran around the yard. Charlotte would pick up leaves and grass – and I gave her a pine cone which she promptly tried to eat. BLECH! The girls did swing for a bit and then it was time for us to come inside and have lunch. I am so glad that the weather has finally cooled off enough for us to do things like that outside. Looking so forward to more days like today.

OH! I almost forgot to add this – Alli had to pee while we were outside. As we have a rather large front yard and judging from how she was running about, I KNEW we wouldn’t make it inside. So I stripped her down, took her sandals off, and instructed her to go squat behind a tree. She didn’t quite get “squat” but she did understand behind a tree, thank goodness. As she started to go, she exclaimed “It’s just like watering plants!” Um, yeah hon. I think that was the first time I’ve ever witnessed someone actually EXCITED about peeing in the wild outdoors.

As for my mood, I’m in a great one! In fact, chris even asked me this morning why I was so bubbly. And I told him – “I just am in a really good mood today!” He was very happy for me. I’m happy for me too.

I had my one hour Glucose test today. Got the orange drink. Finished it in less than two minutes, I think. Felt fine after the test, just like I did after charlotte’s test so I’m hoping that means no Gestational Diabetes. I’ll do the diet if I have to and I’m already pretty conscious about what I eat but I’d really rather not have to mess with all that tracking, measuring, etc.

Here’s a question for those of you who are informed (specialists) in PPD – Has anyone done a study regarding the women diagnosed with GD and the percentage of those who go on to develop PPD? I’d really like to know what the results are if it’s been done. I’ll go search pub med and ask the Coordinators too.

Speaking of studies, I DID read an abstract of a study done with women who suffered from pelvic pain & PPD – and those WITH pelvic pain were more likely to end up also diagnosed with PPD once baby was delivered. I thought that was very interesting, primarily b/c I’ve had pelvic pain with both of my previous pregnancies and also had PPD.

 Time to wrap things up, I have a TON of email to reply to and now some research to do as well!

I Love Email Surprises

Today, I had just finished checking my email and answering all of my messages. Sometimes that’s a daunting task because i have several email addresses, luckily I’ve streamlined them into just two addresses but still, that’s a LOT of email. And my PPD addresses have been very busy today. After I was done checking and responding, I logged out, and surfed the web for a few minutes – reading up on how to properly cook tapioca pudding from scratch. (Yes, another craving!) Locating a recipe I actually had all the ingredients for, I read forth. Upon completion, something told me to go and check my ppd address again. And when I did, I had a surprise.

A woman I helped at the beginning of the year had written me not only to thank me but to let me know how she was doing now. For privacy reasons, I can’t give you details, but she is doing well. I can’t even begin to tell you how much that email meant to me. I couldn’t even begin to tell her! I had been really thinking about her lately and wondering how she was doing so her email was well-timed.

So, I have now officially achieved the goal I set out with. Successfully helping at least one woman. Doesn’t mean I’m quitting (I don’t EVER see that happening!), just means I’ve got to come up with another goal. Any ideas?