Category Archives: women

Brand New Day

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Tomorrow will be a brand new day.

It has to be.

It can’t be today.

It won’t be today. I won’t let it.

I can barely think straight, let alone well, yeah, think straight. See???

See what having kids does to your brain? Where was THAT commercial when we were growing up?

The commercial with the a calm, happy woman sitting in a room curled up on a perfect club chair, covered in a soft blanket, HOT tea sitting next to her, meditative music in the background….. The voice would have said : This is your life.

Then they would flash to toddlers destroying the room, climbing all over a frazzled woman in a t-shirt and yoga pants, yelling, screaming, crying, breaking things, banging on pots and pans? Then the voice would come on and say “This is your life with kids!”

Yeah.

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THAT COMMERCIAL WAS! I COULD HAVE USED IT AS A WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously.

Oh I feel so much better now just having typed that out.

Today did end up getting better – Alli passed out on the love seat shortly after I posted – I laid down and managed to fall asleep and putting them to bed tonight went a LOT better than last night did by which I am greatly impressed. Yet still I sit here, watching Hot Shots Part Deux (for the moment) and unable to think straight. I know I will wind down eventually and sleep will help but I am just so frazzled. Gonna go now and continue to wind down. (And by the way, no longer wishing for labor… whatever that was earlier went away and hasn’t come back)

34 week OB visit & Growth Check U/S

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Well well well.

Today was interesting. I feel like the FF button has been pushed and I couldn’t be more thrilled! (ok, and nervous but more excited than anything)

Had an u/s check for growth today. Cameron is measuring at 37wks even though I’m only 34 wks. Estimated weight is 6lbs 12oz today. SO…. we discussed induction in a few weeks. I’ve got another appt on Monday for him to check my cervix and schedule the induction for the 18th. I also have a follow up scan + amnio scheduled for the 17th to double check the growth as well as lung maturity. I’ll be 37wks by then so I agreed to the amnio. Normally I’m very much against them but at 37wks, at least if I have to be rushed into delivery, I’ll be at what is typically considered full term so I’m not risking miscarriage. I definitely plan on doing research today into amnio – I haven’t looked completely into it prior to this because it’s never been an issue until now. (editing to add a link about the amniocentesis from the Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/amniocentesis/PR00144) I feel a lot better about the procedure now, especially with it being at 37 weeks.

And while I am not all that thrilled about induction because I KNOW pitocin will probably have to be involved, I’d rather have an induction than a c-sec. PLUS the u/s showed the Cameron IS indeed head down, although his feet are to the left of my belly button. I bet he’s got some sort of a crick in his neck! LOL

The other positive is that my last PACE meeting of the year is Dec 11th so this will all happen after the last meeting and well before the first meeting of the year – giving me time to recover and get somewhat of a grasp on the new family dynamic prior to resuming my PACE duties. (God’s hand, you think?)

Got a lot of emailing and research to do now – and definitely need to get that postpartum action plan finished well, tomorrow!

Oh, and as a note to the pelvic pain, got a back massage from Chris last night and wouldn’t you know it – I popped back into alignment last night! WOOHOOO!

32 weeks and counting down!

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Why is it that now time seems to be dragging by?

Ever since I realized how fast delivery was rushing forth, it seems as if time has come to a stand still. Come the 25th of November, I’ll have about 6 weeks left in this pregnancy. I can’t wait until this whole pregnancy thing is over with because once I’ve delivered, I don’t have to feel like an invalid whenever I go to bed. Funny – sleeping is the only time I don’t hurt and yet climbing into bed is the ONLY time during the day at which I truly feel like an invalid because my pelvic pain prevents me from easily completing the task. Even with my support belt it’s difficult. Not to mention putting on the stupid belt has come to be a task that I hate. I haven’t worn it the past couple of nights because I’m currently out of alignment and lemme tell ya – wearing a support belt while out of alignment hurts. A lot. A whole HECK of a lot.

On a good note though, I was recently approved for more pool PT visits and had my first visit back today. It felt GREAT and I look forward to more visits.

Gonna take a nap for a short bit now – better cram in all the sleep I can get right now because once Cameron makes his arrival, I won’t be getting much of that at all!

“Clinical Depression is a luxury I can’t afford”

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On October 30, 2007, a story was posted at the living section of www.cnn.com, written by Lisa Kogan, who writes for O magazine and www.oprah.com. The story is entitled “Funny Woman’s Unbelievably Busy Day.” Lisa Kogan is a single mother and her writing is vivid and snappy. However, when she gets to 4:02pm in her busy day, the entry reads as follows:

4:02 p.m. I get up again. I am ghostwriting a book, and four chapters are due by Wednesday morning. Clinical depression is a luxury I can’t afford.

And this is where i take issue with the article.

I have had clinical depression. A Major Depressive Episode topped off with OCD for some added excitement. I am here to tell you that in no way is Clinical depression a luxury. Now she may have been using the expression in a joking sarcastic manner, but that even makes it worse. As a mother who has suffered Postpartum depression, I have judged myself. I have felt as if others are judging me. I have been judged by others. It is a harsh cruel world. The Depression I experienced was anything but luxurious. I was unable to take care of myself, unable to shower, unable to care for my daughters, our dogs, my husband – and he bore the brunt of my outbursts. I was angry with him for no reason. He could say the nicest thing to me and I would yell at him. I spent a lot of time angry, a lot of time with horrible thoughts about myself and my daughters floating through my head. I finally landed in the hospital with my second round of this so called “luxury of depression.” Yes, I slept for two days which may sound luxurious, but trust me, sleeping at a mental ward is miles away from luxury. The pillows are as flat as paper, you are guaranteed roommates who may or may not be as sane as you currently perceive yourself to be, and worse yet, there are the other patients on the ward who are almost guaranteed to be well, frightening to a mother who’s not sure what exactly is wrong with her. We have all walked our own path that has led us to this place where we are seeking and desperately hoping for help – a return to the person we believe we can be. For some of us that dream is a reality, for others, unfortunately, it is not. But we all deserve just as much compassion, care, love, and respect from the outside world regarding our mental health status, whatever the diagnoses may be for us.

I wouldn’t wish clinical depression on anyone – not Ms. Kogan, not any mother. But some of us experience it and this is why I write my blog, why I volunteer with PSI, why I founded PACE – so those of us who do suffer can find hope and compassion. Now THAT is a luxury I can afford for myself and to pay forward – sweet support. (And sweet support is also a luxury that EVERY mother deserves to have!)

Queasy Day

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Cameron is changing positions – from tranverse lie to head down – he’s not quite all the way there but started the journey this morning around 750a as I was driving to therapy. His first move was startling and a bit painful. Now I’m just plain nauseated. He seems to be somewhat “stuck” although not painfully so, at a diagonal between my left ribs and my right pelvic bone. He is curving up around my belly button and I can feel his general position. OOOh… he just seriously pushed on my bladder – and it’s almost full. I’m trying to hold it b/c Alli has been totally silent for nearly an hour now. I think she’s sleeping and I really want to let her sleep. She needs it. Heck, I need it.

I am watching a very fascinating documentary about Abraham on the History Channel, called Children of Abraham. It examines Abraham’s role as a cornerstone of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity. I love documentaries to begin with but this is the first one I’ve really been interested in watching to completion in a LONG time. Definitely worth a look.

I think I’m going to have to go use the restroom soon. Cameron seems set on pushing against my bladder. If this keeps up I will end up having an accident and that just wouldn’t be good. Just about nine weeks to go – and at least I’ll have my bladder back to myself, right? LOL.

Once all this is done and over with (by that I mean, giving birth and Cameron has finished nursing), I am getting a HUGE butterfly tattoo on the front of my left ankle with some morning glory vines wrapped all the way around. It will be a symbol of how much I’ve changed and of my freedom as a woman, in motherhood. And I wouldn’t have thought about doing this until a few months ago when Alli “stamped” the front of my ankle one day as we were playing in the floor. It didn’t fade for nearly two weeks – even with showers and scrubbing. The butterfly grew on me and I liked the way it looked – providing the inspiration. I hope to still be blogging when I get the tat – and I promise I will post pictures.

Ok, time to run. Cameron’s realllly pushing the envelope here – (and this envelope might just burst!)