Category Archives: Perinatal Mood Disorders

Send Prayers for my keyboard!

I know, i know, I’ve been gone lately.

Blame it on my keyboard – for some reason it has gone on strike. Just a few keys though: 8, i, k, and the comma key. I’m lucky they’re working now which is why I am furiously typing away while the girls scream and play in their room and I should probably be nursing Cameron but hey, I HAD to get a couple of things posted! (By the way Sue, I hope to finish your book by the end of the week and hope to have the review up soon!)

The girls have been behaving, Cameron has gained so much weight he’s got cute little fat dimplets on his tummy! And he’s exclusively breastfed! woohoooooo! LOL. I say that not to make formula feeding mommies feel bad (because AMEN for formula – my second daughter had to have it due to her cleft palate) but because his doctor was just SHOCKED that he had gained back up to his birth weight in just four days without being supplemented. Thanks for the faith there, doc.

Chris and I are going to pick up Alli from ballet tonight and then after they go to bed, we will have bbq. I’ve got homemade sauce simmering on the stove and a section of Boston Butt slow-cooking in the oven with a yummmy dry spice rub on it. MMMMMM. Also in the process of making some deviled eggs.

Oh, and since I’ve been gone, I’ve also managed to catch up with AND STAY CAUGHT UP with the dishes and laundry. :-0 And yes, I’m as amazed as you are. In fact, I was folding laundry last night and Chris checked in with me to make sure I was doing ok. (Cleaning/organizing is one of my key PP OCD symptoms) And yes, I am doing fine. In fact, I’ve never been better! :-)

Gotta run, now the girls really are screaming.

New Blog featuring Sue McRoberts

Sue McRoberts, the author of a wonderful book, The Lifter of My Head: How God Sustained Me during Postpartum Depression, has joined forces with Arlene Pellicane and Rebecca Ingram Powell to develop an uplifting blog entitled Totally New Moms.

Just premiering, these wonderful ladies plan to provide words to “Renew the mind, Refresh the Spirit, and Refuel the Body”. Check it out!

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A Dark Place

Last night, I slid a little further towards that dark hole those of us who have had PPD know a little too well. I felt as if it reached out and grabbed me, sucking me down until only a glimmer of light remained. I called my husband in tears about 10 minutes before he got off work. Not only had Cameron been nursing non-stop, he had been spitting up non-stop. When I went to get him up, his sheet was drenched and so was he. I cleaned him up best I could – in between our one and a half year old running in and out of his room and not minding me at all. In addition, as I changed Cameron’s sheets, he vomited at least three times. Alli was a charmer all day yesterday. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been had she been misbehaving too. I let myself get angry – angry about the Nyastatin, angry that Charlotte wasn’t listening, angry that every time I called the pizza place either Cameron or Charlotte would scream. I finally called my husband and had him call in our order for us. I had already started swirling downwards by that point though – way down – and I knew it – and part of me wanted to stop it yet another part of me wanted to submit. Once my husband called in our pizza order, fresh air seemed to surround me and things started to look up. I managed to cling to the side of the dark hole and not fall too far. Once I got the girls to bed, things started to calm down. Cameron was up until 1130 – spitting up and nursing, poor thing. But he did sleep in my arms for a bit and that was blissful. In fact, it’s what calmed me down the most. Well, that and knowing Chris was here to attend to anything else that might happen. I now had support here and that was a HUGE relief.

 Today, after Chris gets off work, I will be taking the car and going to get myself  a coffee and either picking up a few groceries or getting a NY Giants shirt. (Maybe both!) I told Chris I needed some time alone today to recover from yesterday and he quickly agreed. I am going to try and pump a little bit later – there’s already 3oz in the fridge but Cameron is a hungry baby in the afternoons so I need to try and leave more than he will need.

Even though I am having bad days, the good days have outnumbered them by far – and when I have a bad day, I am able to recognize that it is nothing more than that – a bad day. I am also able to balance that with a plan to improve the next day.

My husband shared something with me today. He found an interesting tip on the internet about achieving your goals. Take a blank index card. Write positive affirmations or notes to yourself on it. Carry it with you wherever you go – look at it as needed. I think I’m going to do that – after all, writing here has helped me tremendously. I can’t imagine what carrying little positive affirmations will do for me.

A note on Cameron’s spitting up:  

Cameron’s pediatrician finally called in his Nyastatin prescription and he started it on Wednesday. Yesterday he spent most of the day spitting up and vomiting. I stopped the Nyastatin and will be using diluted Grapefruit Seed Extract instead. I have no intention of calling his pediatrician’s office because according to them, “Nyastatin shouldn’t make him spit up.” Um, well, it does, and no thanks to the nurse who actually told my husband “It shouldn’t make him spit up, just hold his mouth shut so it all stays in” Yes, we are writing a letter of complaint. Not only for that, but for the fact that we called the ped’s office on MONDAY about thrush and it took them until WEDNESDAY to call something in – and even then, they couldn’t remember what they were supposed to call in. UGH!

Mornin’

Cameron officially has a nighttime routine!

 YAY!

I got up with him twice last night. He goes to bed around 10p, wakes up at 1, 4, and then 7. Wooohoooo!

I like the time he wakes up because I will get him up, change him, then take him into the living room to nurse. No one else is awake yet so it’s “my” time even though yes, I have a baby attached to me. Once I lay him back down, I take the dogs out before getting the girls up so more “me” time.

I am definitely adjusting to the new routine.

 As for the emotional aspect – my OB added Wellbutrin to my Lexapro and I am happy to say that it seems to be working so far. Of course, I just started it yesterday so we’ll have to see. I am supposed to be going today to get my Mirena placed. No more lil babies for us – and that does make me sad in a way but then again, I know that there’s just no way I could handle another pregnancy and we’re tight enough financially as it is right now. So I’m doing the responsible thing and getting the birth control on the right path.

Gotta run, he just finished nursing so now it’s time for my morning freeze. :-)

Come on in, have a cup of tea – Let’s Chat!

So this month has not been the best month of my life.

First, the car breaks down. (and no, we still don’t have it back!)

Second, my husband attempted to put my christmas money on a debit card so I could buy some nursing bras and whatever else I wanted to…. and I purchased $160 worth of nursing bras (6 of them!) and nearly $35 worth of tea from a great place (Harney & Sons – I’m such a tea snob now!) only to discover that the money was never put on the card. Not my husband’s fault – the company who does the card never put it on there. I’m now on week two of waiting for them to fix the problem. In the meantime, i’m stuck in camisoles with built in bras and a sports bra. I had purchased a nursing tank BUT can’t use it because it causes me to have plugged ducts. URGH.

Third, thrush has returned. I am now on an Anti-Candida diet which pretty much bites because it’s a no-carb diet. It’s forcing me to really think outside of the box when preparing my meals but it’s also helping me to realize how to eat healthier, something I wanted to do anyways so I guess that’s a bonus.

Fourth – I had a reallllllllly bad day Thursday. Intrusive thoughts, exhausted, snapping at everyone for anything, just really angry and easily irritable. I tried to call my OB on Friday for the thrush & the bad day, but they didn’t return my call. Nevermind that I called them twice and have a major history including hospitalization. I haven’t called back yet because I am still pissed they didn’t call me and don’t really want to end up sounding like a pissy patient on the phone instead of an intelligent self-advocating patient. I will probably call back later today. I guess what really gets me about this is that I CHOSE this physician because of his office’s reputation for dealing with PPD – it was a very positive one and I knew that I had the potential of needing great care in the postpartum period.

I’ve since gotten a ton of sleep since Thursday so I am feeling better but still plan on calling the OB to let them know I’m having bad days (which are ok – it’s if the bad days start stringing together and you can’t remember your last good day that you should realllly start to be concerned!) and see if they can’t prescribe something that I can take “as needed” in addition to my current medication.

We’ve come up with a solution for our little Charlotte Monkey – if she doesn’t listen to us, we put her in the pack and play which is set up in the living room each morning. So far she’s only had to go in it twice and that was on the first day (Friday). However, this girl is FEARLESS. I have found her on the dining room table at least twice a day since Thursday. URGH. And to top things off, Alli keeps undressing her in the morning so Charlotte runs around naked – in the cold because Charlotte keeps turning their heater off. *sighs* Thank GOD I am able to let go of most of this stuff because if I wasn’t able to do so – yeah, I think I’d be back in the hospital. But I realize they’re just kids and this is going to happen.

Speaking of stuff happening, yesterday Alli took a header off the end of the couch behind Chris’ end table and ended up busting her lip, poor thing. One second she was reaching for the remote and the next, I saw her little feet flying through the air and she was screaming. I unlatched Cameron and rescued her. She got an ice pop for her lip and was quite content thereafter. She’s been having a really clumsy week and I think it’s because she’s going through a growth spurt. I feel sorry for her but it’s like watching America’s Funniest Videos. You know you SHOULDN’T want to laugh when someone gets whacked in the nuts or falls face first into the wedding cake and collapses the whole table while trying to dance but before you have a chance to censor yourself, a snort escapes and then it’s a full blown giggle and you feel horrible but can’t help it! Yeah, it’s been like that.