Category Archives: motherhood

I Love Email Surprises

Today, I had just finished checking my email and answering all of my messages. Sometimes that’s a daunting task because i have several email addresses, luckily I’ve streamlined them into just two addresses but still, that’s a LOT of email. And my PPD addresses have been very busy today. After I was done checking and responding, I logged out, and surfed the web for a few minutes – reading up on how to properly cook tapioca pudding from scratch. (Yes, another craving!) Locating a recipe I actually had all the ingredients for, I read forth. Upon completion, something told me to go and check my ppd address again. And when I did, I had a surprise.

A woman I helped at the beginning of the year had written me not only to thank me but to let me know how she was doing now. For privacy reasons, I can’t give you details, but she is doing well. I can’t even begin to tell you how much that email meant to me. I couldn’t even begin to tell her! I had been really thinking about her lately and wondering how she was doing so her email was well-timed.

So, I have now officially achieved the goal I set out with. Successfully helping at least one woman. Doesn’t mean I’m quitting (I don’t EVER see that happening!), just means I’ve got to come up with another goal. Any ideas?

Facing Your Giant

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This was the title of our church’s sermon this morning. We hadn’t been to church in awhile due to Chris being sick, both of us being exhausted, yada yada yada… I know, excuses, I  excuses!

 This sermon focused on the battle between…yup, you guessed it…. David and Goliath. (Which if you’re curious, can be found in 1 Sam Chapt. 17, and yes, I remembered that all on my own! I’m impressed!)

As the preacher was talking, I thought of this past year and how many Giants I’ve overcome –

  • PP OCD
  • Discovering our daughter’s cleft palate & PRS diagnoses
  • Surviving her surgeries & NICU Stay
  • Starting a PPD Support Group
  • Unexpected Pregnancy
  • Husband’s Car Wreck & Ankle injury

And I am still here. Kicking, and HAPPY. Thriving in my new normal, in fact. You know who I have to thank for that? GOD. Early on, I handed everything to Him and He has shown me just how well He can care for me. He truly carried us through this past year because there is just no other explanation. Yes, I had to do a lot of climbing too, but he was there with me – my Coach, my Support, my Strength.

This past year and a half has been one of the hardest years of my life. But it’s also been a year and a half of strength and growth – I have grown and matured more this past year than ever before in my life. And it’s all because, just like David, I put my trust in God and let him handle everything. I truly learned how to hand things to God – something my mom has been trying to get me to do for ages now… but I had to learn on my own. Not only have I learned a truly worthy lesson, but I am passing the strength I found onto others because I feel that God is calling me to do just that. And I know it is because God is in my heart and at the heart of my PPD work that everything has happened the way it has – PACE continues to thrive, I continue to help women, and I have a peace within my heart that only God could create.

Things with PACE and my PPD work have just fallen into place and I attribute that as a sign from God that what I am doing is right and just. Speaking of that, PACE’s website was just reviewed and accepted by www.psychcentral.com, one of the oldest and most reliable mental health resource sites on the web, run by mental health professionals. Again, just a sign that I am finally walking the right path.

Praise God for His Strength, His Blessings, and His Love. Without it, I would not have survived this past year… and be thriving – in life, marriage, motherhood – and my PPD work. HE is to be honoured in all that I do!

Reflections so far…

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I will unabashedly admit my freaking out at the first positive pregnancy test. And even more freaking out at the second one, in between which I freaked out because I almost knocked my pee into the sink. Now I would like to say THANK YOU to Karen Kleiman – her book, What Am I Thinking: Having a Baby after Postpartum Depression, definitively put things into perspective for me. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is BECAUSE of that book you are reading this blog right now.

I will also admit that early on, I hoped for a miscarriage, which is extremely difficult for me to type. I had no clue how we were going to handle another babe – the finances, the potential of PPD, my physical reaction to pregnancy. So far, we’re doing ok. Chris just got a raise at work and is intensely focusing on starting his own business, a personal technology consulting business. He LOVES to press buttons so this is perfect for him. I’m still a bit on edge about the potential of PPD but keep reminding myself I am in a much better place now than I was with either of the prior pregnancies, I have a huge support network in place – heck, this time last year, it was just God, me, my husband, meds, and a barely 6 month old with a new palate and I was still pumping breastmilk. (Course, God being there was HUGE!) And now, I have email in my inbox from Karen Kleiman (who stumbled across my site and is now referring HER clients to my blog…I appreciate it!), Jane Honikman (founder of PSI), and Pec Indman (co-author of Beyond the Blues w/Shoshanna Bennett), Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress, Tara Mock of Outofthevalley.org, and access to ALL of the PSI Coordinators across the globe!  And I am eternally grateful to some local folks too – to the President of Nuci’s Space, Linda Phillips – for granting me not only meeting space for the women I help, but for helping me connect with my current therapist. I truly owe Linda quite a bit. I have been just dumbfounded at how far I’ve come in just 12 months. I know the possibility of falling is there – but I  am resting easy knowing what I know, educating my family and local support about what to watch for, how to help, etc. Hopefully I won’t fall as far this time – heck, hopefully I won’t fall at all! What a wonderful gift that would be indeed!

 And last but not least, my thoughts have truly shifted these past couple of weeks – and I am now seeing this baby as a gift – a reward, even, for having survived what I have in the past 19 months. I am truly relearning to trust in God and walk with Him. Still can’t quote bible verses off the top of my head – don’t think I ever will be able to do that (I bite at memorization), but my heart has finally found peace with all of this and I am hoping to continue within this peace and truly enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. This morning after Chris woke up, I laid on my back for a few moments and Cameron (baby) was right at my belly button. I poked him and he kicked/hit back. We played for a few minutes until he decided he didn’t want to be poked anymore and relocated. I knew even in early pregnancy that once i connected with the baby like I did this morning, I would be ok and everything would make sense. Thing is – I was wrong – it happened BEFORE…and that experience served to make our bond stronger.

I can’t wait to meet little Cameron!

Great day yesterday – until after quiet time…

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and that’s when it got worse. I went to check on Alli – well, to get her up from quiet time – and she had played with her poopy again. *sighs* This time it was smeared into the carpet. We had a talk, I cleaned her up, cleaned up the poopy, and she was quarantined in her room for the rest of the afternoon.

I fixed charlotte’s dinner, got her up, fed her, and we played. Charlotte is quite a little character and we had a blast! About 45 min after I got Charlotte up, I started to smell something funny but couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. Something told me to go check on Alli. She had gotten ahold of the fondue pot that I had forgotten about (her room is right off the kitchen) and proceeded to spill the oil in her room. (Yes, it was cool) but um, what a MESS. I put Charlotte to bed and proceeded to give Alli a bath. I ended up scrubbing her carpet with dish detergent and hot hot water. The spot is still there today but we’ll be borrowing the IL’s carpet cleaner this weekend so hopefully it will get it out completely. *sighs* What a nightmare.

I can’t wait until therapy tomorrow….and every time we let it go for two weeks, things don’t go well for me. UGH!

Craving Smells??

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I am craving a smell. The way my grandmother’s house smelled when she would make her homemade manicotti. I don’t have the recipe… she passed away before I even started high school, long before cooking became a passion of mine. I wish I had the recipe. I wish she were still here… To this day though, I make my manicotti like hers – fresh, homemade crepes instead of pasta, well, that’s about it. I remember that much. The filling is usually fresh homemade ricotta (yes, I know how to do that, it’s really not that hard), and I make a lovely homemade roasted red pepper marinara to go with it. If I’m feeling absolutely ambitious, I make fresh lasagna noodles too. I’d like to learn how to make homemade mozzarrella but I haven’t had the chance (or the guts) to do that yet. I have a feeling that I will be making lasagna this week – don’t have the energy (or back strength) to do manicotti. I could live off Italian food – for life. Give me some pasta, some marinara, and some decent parm and I’d be in heaven. Yeah, I know there’s other italian food out there, it’s not all pasta – but me, I’m in love with pasta. Which is why I would fail oh so miserably on a low-carb diet. My pasta usually goes with french bread and full on full fat butter. (hey, at least we KNOW what’s in butter, right?) YUM!

Yeah, I foresee a trip to the grocery store this evening… and tomorrow is NOT going to be a labor free day. I’ll be stinking the house up with delicious italian aromas!