Category Archives: frazzled

The Hand of God

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The direction of our lives took a sharp left turn this past weekend. The following post was written last night and I sent it to my husband for approval prior to posting it today. I am prefacing it with the response he sent me regarding the post.

 Though this post is intensely more personal than I expected it to be, I believe that you should post it. I have nothing to hide anymore. I only hope that someone else can learn from my mistakes so that they don’t have to go through this horrible experience. Thank you for being there for me and also for your willingness to help others at the expense of your own privacy. You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman. Even though I haven’t really shown it much lately, I love you and respect you. I am actually excited to see what wonderful work God is going to do in our lives and our marriage in the coming days.
 
Love forever,
 
Chris

As I sit here, I am taking deep breaths and my hands are shaking as they hit these keys. What I am about to share with you is starting to truly sink in and I am thanking God that I am already in His Hands,  already on anti-depressants, surrounded by a powerful support system and have access to a wonderful therapist.

Saturday continued to be a very rough day and at nine p.m. that evening I went out to Borders to escape and breathe. I ordered a Honey Latte and meandered about the store, even purchased a few things. Once I left Borders, I headed over to Wal-mart because Chris had forgotten to pick up a can of air and I needed to pick up a few grocery items as well. I never made it to Wal-mart.

At precisely 10:00p.m., I rear-ended another vehicle just one intersection away from Wal-mart. This vehicle’s driver had slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting a white pick up truck threatening to swerve in front of him. After having hit the brakes once, I slowed down with him, then the car sped back up and then slammed on his brakes again and I would have stopped had it been dry but with the wet road and light mist, my car slid into the rear of the other vehicle. I strongly believe the white pick up truck symbolized an angel even though it caused me to wreck my vehicle. The driver got out and asked if I had a cell phone and I did – I phoned the police and then Chris to let him know I had wrecked the car. He was understandably worried about my well-being. At the time I felt ok. However, by the time the police arrived and we moved the vehicles off the road, my fingertips and toes had started to tingle and feel a bit numb. I opted to go to the hospital even though I do not have health insurance right now. (In the process of getting Medicaid set back up) I was put in a C-collar and on a backboard.

As the EMS was taking my vitals, the police officer started to inform me that there were a few problems. He didn’t get past the first one which was that my tag was expired and had been expired since September 2007. My jaw dropped and I told the officer that my husband had taken care of the tag and that it had been paid, the decal was on my tag! There HAD to be a mistake. No, the officer said, it was not in the state of Georgia’s computer and my decal was fake. My blood pressure was 170 over 100 or so at the scene and they kept checking to make sure I didn’t have a history of high blood pressure. Upon arrival at the hospital I waited for ages to be seen and finally was cleared to be released. The diagnosis was strained neck (whiplash) and believe me, I was praying to God and thanking Him for letting me be there staring up at the lights. It could have been worse. God was with me the entire evening, holding me and comforting me. I felt his presence as soon as I hit the other vehicle. My in-laws had come to the hospital to be with me.

As I was discharged, I left the room only to see the police officer from the accident scene. He informed me that not only was my tag expired but that I did not have insurance. I grabbed onto my father in law to keep myself from falling. My mother in law sat me down. I feared what was coming next. The police officer had to take me to jail for not having insurance even though I believed I had insurance. He did not put handcuffs on me and was extremely apologetic the entire time. I was escorted to the local county jail and sat there for three hours while my in-laws got my prescriptions filled then got a transfer bond to get me out. The entire time I was sitting in jail, Psalm 40 and James Chapter 1 vs. 1-3. Of course, Psalm 40 kept repeating as the U2 song but hey, it’s almost word for word.  I did not return to home that evening. We all got back to their house at 5am and I slept until 7am.

I called my mom to tell her and she shrieked. I also called my therapist’s office and had a discussion with the therapist on call. My mother in law and I had a two hour conversation before I came home. When I finally came home I nursed Cameron and then sat down to talk with Chris. I talked for about three hours, I think. I truly lost track of time. He had informed his dad the night before that he had a drug problem and needed help. He admitted to me that he had been using for the past two years and spending nearly $100/month on his habit. He had lied to me about several financial items and the insurance had lapsed two months prior to my accident.

After our discussion, I had him bring me his wallet and I removed all of his debit and visa gift cards. I went through the bag he takes with him to work. I will continue to randomly check his belongings as well as randomly drug test him throughout the coming months. We also put together a Recovery Goal plan, starting with just one week at a time. I have given him until the end of April to be genuinely making forward progress with his recovery and if he has not been doing so, I will become a single parent because I refuse to stay in this situation and I refuse to raise my children in this situation. This week he is staying with his parents and took the day off yesterday to make phone calls to get his recovery started.

So far he has been doing everything we set up and I sincerely hope he continues on this path. Chris seems to be genuinely remorseful regarding his actions yet I am continuing to be cautious, understandably so.  As with any recovery path, there is forward movement and there is backward movement and as long as he is continually fighting for forward motion, we will be okay. The outcome and status of our marriage is in his hands as he will need to prove to me and not just tell me that he is doing better.

You will find that additional links will appear that provide information for addicts and their family while going through recovery. I am blogging this because my goal with this blog, while focusing on PPD, is ultimately about being honest regarding the human experience in relation to the response of emotions during times of trauma. In that vein, I feel that I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t share this experience with you. The direction of my blog is not changing; I will still primarily post regarding PPD however I will definitely update regarding this situation as there are changes to share. In the meantime, I could certainly use all the support and prayers that you can send our way.

Toddlers are sneaky little things

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It’s barely quarter after ten and here’s the low down on what the girls have been up to in the past oh, two hours:

  1. crawled UNDER their gate into the kitchen to get bagels
  2. ATE the bagels
  3. put back to bed while I went to tell Daddy about their behaviour
  4. SNUCK BACK OUT while I was gone and got some water
  5. ordered back to bed with instructions to stay put
  6. pulled alli’s mattress off while I was in the kitchen (which has a clear view of their room)
  7. Alli got ahold of my make up when she went potty and drew all over her face
  8. Alli also lied to me about going potty then asked to go again, I told her we would go together – she got upset and wouldn’t go – so I told her we would go when she decided she was ready. Mistake – she peed right in front of me on the couch.     
  9. Oh, and did I mention Charlotte climbed out of the pack and play while I checked on Alli in the bathroom?     

 Am I suprised at any of this? Sadly, no.

Am I upset? Absolutely.

Have I decided what to do about it? Absolutely not. (anyone with any suggestions is MORE than welcome to post! PLEASE!)

And believe me, I have already been praying quite a bit this morning. I have a feeling I’ll be praying for most of the day.

Toddlers.  

Sneaky little things, aren’t they.

Breathe…

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Wow. The past few weeks have been insane.

First, the girls got colds.

Then Chris got the flu and I got a sore throat. (Of course by then the girls were better and lemme tell ya – sick parents + recovered kids makes for a very unbalanced household!)

We finally got our car back (YAY).

I’ve been lucky to have any time to myself during the day. The girls recently started napping again during the day – both of them in their room but I’ve been so busy with trying to keep up with (read: catch up) housework that I often times don’t get on the computer at all during the day and of course at night I am exhausted so of COURSE I am not thinking of the computer.

I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things pretty soon here.

PACE meetings haven’t been terribly successful yet either. Gotta figure out how to change that and work on my relationships with local physicians. My mom will be here in April so maybe I’ll get her to keep the kids one or two mornings while I go around town to OB’s and Ped’s offices to stick up fliers. I also have an event planned for next month here in town, a screening of two PPD documentaries that will hopefully raise awareness of PPD and of PACE in the process.

In March I will also be speaking in Atlanta at an event co-sponsored by MHA and Skyland Trail. Look for more information on this later this week. Next month is going to be very busy!

Wish I could stay longer but I am in severe need of caffeine and the girls have been absolutely horrid this afternoon. I am about to pull out the Nanny McPhee Medicine (aka blackstrap molasses).

A Dark Place

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Last night, I slid a little further towards that dark hole those of us who have had PPD know a little too well. I felt as if it reached out and grabbed me, sucking me down until only a glimmer of light remained. I called my husband in tears about 10 minutes before he got off work. Not only had Cameron been nursing non-stop, he had been spitting up non-stop. When I went to get him up, his sheet was drenched and so was he. I cleaned him up best I could – in between our one and a half year old running in and out of his room and not minding me at all. In addition, as I changed Cameron’s sheets, he vomited at least three times. Alli was a charmer all day yesterday. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been had she been misbehaving too. I let myself get angry – angry about the Nyastatin, angry that Charlotte wasn’t listening, angry that every time I called the pizza place either Cameron or Charlotte would scream. I finally called my husband and had him call in our order for us. I had already started swirling downwards by that point though – way down – and I knew it – and part of me wanted to stop it yet another part of me wanted to submit. Once my husband called in our pizza order, fresh air seemed to surround me and things started to look up. I managed to cling to the side of the dark hole and not fall too far. Once I got the girls to bed, things started to calm down. Cameron was up until 1130 – spitting up and nursing, poor thing. But he did sleep in my arms for a bit and that was blissful. In fact, it’s what calmed me down the most. Well, that and knowing Chris was here to attend to anything else that might happen. I now had support here and that was a HUGE relief.

 Today, after Chris gets off work, I will be taking the car and going to get myself  a coffee and either picking up a few groceries or getting a NY Giants shirt. (Maybe both!) I told Chris I needed some time alone today to recover from yesterday and he quickly agreed. I am going to try and pump a little bit later – there’s already 3oz in the fridge but Cameron is a hungry baby in the afternoons so I need to try and leave more than he will need.

Even though I am having bad days, the good days have outnumbered them by far – and when I have a bad day, I am able to recognize that it is nothing more than that – a bad day. I am also able to balance that with a plan to improve the next day.

My husband shared something with me today. He found an interesting tip on the internet about achieving your goals. Take a blank index card. Write positive affirmations or notes to yourself on it. Carry it with you wherever you go – look at it as needed. I think I’m going to do that – after all, writing here has helped me tremendously. I can’t imagine what carrying little positive affirmations will do for me.

A note on Cameron’s spitting up:  

Cameron’s pediatrician finally called in his Nyastatin prescription and he started it on Wednesday. Yesterday he spent most of the day spitting up and vomiting. I stopped the Nyastatin and will be using diluted Grapefruit Seed Extract instead. I have no intention of calling his pediatrician’s office because according to them, “Nyastatin shouldn’t make him spit up.” Um, well, it does, and no thanks to the nurse who actually told my husband “It shouldn’t make him spit up, just hold his mouth shut so it all stays in” Yes, we are writing a letter of complaint. Not only for that, but for the fact that we called the ped’s office on MONDAY about thrush and it took them until WEDNESDAY to call something in – and even then, they couldn’t remember what they were supposed to call in. UGH!

One-two punch

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Punch No. 1:

I’d been hoping Cameron and I would avoid thrush; that our sore nursing sessions were due to his tight frenulum but alas; yesterday morning he had white spots on his tongue that I could NOT wipe away. So I put in a call to his ped, my OB, and we started our medicine last night. He’s on Nystatin after every feed and I took Diflucan yesterday with another dose to follow on Saturday. I am also using a vinegar solution on my nipples (it’s supposed to change the pH level and make things rather uncomfortable for yeast) as well as changing my nursing pads at every feeding. We bought Medela microwavable sterilization bags and I have Medela sterilization wipes as well and also had hubby pick up a couple more paci’s. Yesterday was really rough with Cameron – he pretty much nursed from 9pm Tuesday evening until 9pm or so last night. I seemed to be the ONLY comfort for him. Ah, the joys of breastfeeding! (I am SO grateful I can do it this time around though – so so grateful. To read what I went through with Charlotte, go here)

Punch No. 2:

Cameron’s ped’s office called Chris this morning and left a message that they need to do his PKU test again. Ugh. From what I’ve read, PKU is rare but requires very close watch on diet, etc. 1 in 10,000 people have it and retesting is more common than thought and *usually* comes out negative even with a previous positive or borderline of the newborn screening that is done at birth. I know typing I seem calm but I am a little worried because it’d just be one more thing I’d have to worry about and frankly, I don’t need anything else to worry about. I keep telling myself not to worry about it unless I need to – but putting that into practice is SO much harder than it sounds, especially when it comes to your own family! Chris is going to call the ped’s office back and find out why they need to retest and schedule the retest for tomorrow. Those of you who believe in the power of prayer as I do, please send some up for us.

Emotionally I am doing ok, considering. I’ve had a couple of intrusive thoughts but they’ve been so fleeting I couldn’t even tell you what they were about. And today I noticed some OC behaviour but it was after I found out about the need to retest for PKU so I’m pretty sure it’s related to that stress. As long as things don’t get worse and I stay on the same path I’m on now, I’ll be ok. Chris has been checking in on me, as have my mother and his mom has also been asking how I’ve been doing. Alli asked me a few days after I had been home when I was going to get sad. I laughed at her and said that hopefully I wouldn’t get sad this time around. We’ve been having wonderful ladies from the Newborn Ministry at our church delivering meals and their timing has been perfect – one of the meals was delivered yesterday and  I was SO grateful for a delicious hot meal that I hadn’t cooked! We are somewhat developing a routine but as with everything involving children, it’s flexible with little changes here and there day to day. Although I must say, I am impressed by the fact that I can get up with Cameron while he’s nursing, not break the latch, take Alli potty, and return to the couch with him still latched on; oblivious to the fact that he just traversed the house with me. Guess that’s my trick this time around. With Alli, it was eating spaghetti left handed while nursing and not dropping a single smidge of sauce. With Charlotte – well – it was pumping and getting her to nurse at all; even if just for a few seconds.

Gotta run, time for Cameron to nurse.