Postpartum Support International Archives - Page 5 of 5

There is a reality as powerful and profound as Motherhood. It’s Fatherhood.

This month we’ll be focusing on the Father’s point of view through interviews with David Klinker, the Father’s Coordinator with PSI, Dr. William Courtenay, a psychologist and Men’s Coordinator for PSI (meaning he works with men who are suffering from PPD – yes, that happens too), Michael Lurie, author of My Journey to Her World, and my own husband’s experience with my PPD.

Today you’ll read about David Klinker, his survival through his wife’s PPD and his website, Postpartum Dads, which is designed to be a resource for new Dads. David is wonderful and I often send families his way because I belive that the entire family needs to heal and recover – not just mom. Thanks David – for your hard work and for supporting Dads everywhere. You are doing amazing things!

1) What is it like for a partner to witness a Postpartum Mood Disorder in action?

Things for us spiraled down very quickly. In some ways things happened so fast that I felt like I was taking part in some made for TV drama. At times I felt almost detached, like I was just playing a role. At other times I felt devastated thinking about losing Denise and all that we had together. I was very lucky to have supportive family and friends; otherwise, I know it would have been much worse. Fortunately, just as quickly as things spiraled down, Denise got better.

2) Would you share your family’s experience with PPD? When did you first realize something wasn’t quite right and what steps were taken to get help?

Here is our story: https://home.comcast.net/~ddklinker/mysite2/Johns_Story.htm

3) Has becoming a Father changed you?

The moment I looked into my daughter’s big brown eyes for the first time, I was a changed person. I felt a huge sense of responsibility come over me as I sat there in the delivery room holding her. The greatest changes came from needing to consider her needs over my own.

4) What aspect of being a Father is the most challenging? The Least?

I think the most challenging aspect of being a father is dealing with the fear of doing it wrong. How do I know that the choices Denise and I make are the right ones? Are we doing enough for the kids, or too much? What makes us qualified to shape the lives of two wonderful human beings? I deal with these fears but remembering that Denise and I are there to provide opportunities, guidance, and boundaries for our kids. They shape their own lives, we just have to do our best to help them make good choices in their lives.

The least challenging aspect of being a Father is enjoying the special times together when everything seems right with the world. Whether it watching them ride their bike for the first time, watching them catch their first fish, or just driving home after a softball game. There have been many times where I know I’ve gotten the father thing right and it’s a great feeling.

5) How did you get involved with PSI and how rewarding has it been to work with Fathers who are where you have been?

I got involved with PSI the same way many other volunteers have, I talked with Jane Honikman. I knew that I wanted to do something to help other dads and Jane was very encouraging. PSI has recognized the importance of reaching out to partners for a long time and needed someone to take the role as Father’s Coordinator. I volunteered and was very warmly welcomed in the organization. I have met many wonderful people through PSI and it has been a great experience for me.

My main involvement at PSI has been talking to fathers on the phone, responding to emails, and maintaining my website. I usually only have 5-10 calls and maybe 10-15 email contacts within a year. Most of the calls are from dads that feel cut out and rejected by their wives. These dads feel devastated and powerless to doing anything about the situation. I have several stories on the postpartumdads.org website from dads dealing with rejection. I have to say, these calls are tough and I often feel inadequate to provide the kind of help these men desperately want.

On a more positive note, I have had several phone calls where I do feel I have made a difference. It is very rewarding when I feel like I have helped someone through a tough time. I have also received a lot of positive feedback on the website, especially the stories.

6) What led you to develop your website for fathers/partners?

After taking some courses through Landmark Education I knew that I wanted to make a difference in the world. While talking with a friend whose wife was experiencing PPD I realized I didn’t know what to say to help him. I talked to him about my experience but I didn’t know what resources were available to help. After looking for resources on the internet I saw that there was very little directed towards the needs of dads dealing with the depression of their wives. I came up with an idea to develop a website that featured stories from other dads with very practical suggestions. I got some great encouragement from the local PSI coordinator Shelly Ashe and from Jane Honikman. With very little experience creating website, I figured out the basics and started with my own story. I have been fortunate to have other dads contribute stories and I am very proud of what we have created.

7) Just as women with PPD learn that taking care of themselves is important, this is a lesson that Fathers should heed as well. What do you do on a regular basis to feed your soul and ensure that you stay in a good place?

I “feed my soul” by doing projects around the house, riding my mountain bike, taking walks, and playing with the kids. I’m currently building a retaining wall in the back yard and I get great satisfaction out of seeing the progress I make each week. It’s the most physical labor I get during a week. I try to mountain bike once a week and the 20 minutes of flying down hill, after the 1 hour going uphill, are the best therapy possible. Everyday at lunch I take a 20 minute walk that helps to clear my mind. I also like to spend as much time with the kids as possible. I enjoy being with them and it’s a great way to see the world through their eyes.

8 ) Did PPD strengthen or weaken your marriage? Do you feel that you both are in a better place now than prior to PPD?

PPD strengthened our marriage. Denise and I have been through some very tough times together and we have been able to support each other through them. Each time we have made it through the tough times we have felt closer as we have more invested in each other. Watching Denise recover from PPD, as well as a life-threatening illness, has been an inspiration to me and many people around her.

9) What aspect of Fatherhood should be celebrated the most?

I see my primary role as a father to be setting the boundaries for my kids. This means keeping them safe, but it also means allowing them to take risks and sometimes going further then their mom would allow. I see myself as being there to back them up as they try new things, from riding a bike, to the first day at a new school. I think the role that fathers play in fostering independence and confidence should be celebrated.

10) If there was one piece of advice you could give to an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be and why would this be important for him to hear?

My one piece of advice to new dads is to trust your instincts. If something doesn’t seem right it probably isn’t. That applies to dealing with PPD was well as dealing with setting boundaries.

Jane Honikman was one of the first people I reached out to while researching PPD support groups prior to starting my own. She very graciously sent me her books and even included a handwritten note of support (which I still have!)

And that’s the kind of woman Jane is… caring, understanding, compassionate, everything a mother with PPD would ever want to find in their time of desperation and need. She truly embodies what PSI stands for and I consider it to be a true honor to post this interview. I emailed Jane the questions a couple of days in advance but the interview was conducted via phone. The following is what I managed to capture so “listen” in and I hope you enjoy what Jane has to say.

1) In your book, I’m Listening: A Guide to Supporting Postpartum Families, you mention the practice of Mothering the Mother. How important is this concept and why do you think this practice has vastly disappeared from our society?

I think what people have done is found subsitutes because immediate family is not as available as it has been in the past due to geographic separation. My generation subsituted friendship as mothering. We need to be more vocal about the need for mothering the mother and more organizational about it. Mothering is the essence of life – we can’t do anything alone, life is all about connection and partnerships.

2) What did you find (and continue to find) to be most challenging about Motherhood? The least?

The most challenging aspect of motherhood is keeping communication flowing. Making sure you are able to make your own wants known and yet listening at the same time to the needs of those around you. I feel that finding a balance between these is the key to successful communication.

The least challenging is falling in love with your children.

3) How did you develop the Postpartum Mantra (You are not alone, You are not to blame, You will be well with help)?

When I started getting educated about this in the early 80’s – listening to what was being said through the grassroots & research, it was clear that there were three simple messages. I’ve always tried to take the complex and simplify it. A lot of advocates have used this concept for other purposes as well. I have been involved with self help in the 60’s and 70’s and those experiences fed into this mantra. Blaming and being well is something also used by Alcoholics Anonymous.

4) What advice would you give to partners and families of women with Postpartum Depression? What can they do to best help the mother?

Hanging in there as with any illness -stay mindful that it is not the person’s fault, just like the person with cancer didn’t get it on their own. With any mental illness, when the behaviour changes and it is harsh and alienating, it is hardest because you don’t want to be there for them. Encourage them to get help and be there for them. Never give up on them or yourselves.

5) When you started PEP (Parents Educating Parents), what was the primary motivating factor?

We were a group of girlfriends providing support to each other and realized we were motivated to share the support we were experiencing in our small group with all the families in our surrounding community.

6) Has PSI’s success in supporting women and families with PPD experiences surprised you?

No, I knew eventually it was a matter of staying committed and patient and given my previous experience of working in communities, I knew it would just take time. I always felt that this was the right thing to do.

It didn’t surprise me – it delights me.

7) What activity refreshes you the most when you’ve had a rough day?

Most important to me is to not allow intrusions into family life. I will turn off the computer after five o’clock then go start dinner and focus on family. I also enjoy music and play the flute. Another thing that refreshes me is friendship, including my friendship with my husband.

8 ) As a woman who has experienced PPD, what has it been like to guide your children through their parenting experiences?

We were very mindful and the absolute most important thing is the supportive stuff. Our oldest married someone who had no idea what depression was and the most important thing was finding a simple book (english was not his first language) for him to read to educate himself about this. Once he read about depression, it was amazing to see the light go on and see him grasping an understanding of depression. We focused on getting educated, increasing awareness, and providing a lot of mothering through the child-birthing process. I am grateful that there is improved support for my children’s generation because there certainly wasn’t the same level of support when I experienced PPD.

9) Any advice for other women who want to pay their experience forward and help women with PPD?

Take care of yourself first. The issues will still be there but you absolutely must get yourself to a strong place first. Delegate, don’t do things alone. Set up an organization so you don’t have to go it alone.

10) If there was one piece of advice you could give to an expectant mother (new or experienced), what would it be and why would this be important for her to hear?

Listen to your body and enjoy it…every pregnancy is different. You have to focus on staying well and get help when you need it – you can’t do this alone.

My Postpartum Voice

Speaking up, Reaching out, Inspiring Hope

Tag Archives: Postpartum Support International