Tag Archives: infant

When is too much really TOO MUCH?

Leave a reply

I have often wondered at times, heck, even marveled at women who seem to take on the world and appear to excel in all they do. How do they do it? How on EARTH do they keep up with everything and appear so calm and suave? Even with all that I now do and have been through, I have no idea.

There are days that go just right. No one screams or fusses, no one has an potty accident, don’t have to clean up after the girls (or the dogs), and the day just flows.

Then there are days like today where from the moment that I roll out of bed, it’s all downhill. Breakfast snack wasn’t the right thing, Alli got out of her room and got the ice pops out of the freezer, proceeded to yell and scream and throw fits the entire day to the point of being put in her room and left there so I could calm down before dealing with her zillionth tantrum in two hours. Cameron bit me twice today while nursing so he didn’t nurse much today at all, Charlotte needed to go potty every 5 seconds and of course it was gray, humid, and wet from yesterday’s storms so we couldn’t go outside to play, no TV show was the right one for us to watch, the girls wanted to play with what the OTHER one had – of course! Why would it be any different? Oh, and Maggie almost pooped on the couch right next to Charlotte as we all cuddled up to watch TV that we had actually agreed on! *sighs*

I know the whole nursing/supplementing thing is getting to me. It was so hard not to blame myself. After all, I have been Cameron’s ONLY source of food since birth. How do you not blame yourself? And now that we’re weaning (even though I’ve decided to keep nursing as long as he’s interested even with the formula), I know I’ve got a whole ‘nother issue with the prolactin and hormones coming ’round. To be honest, last Monday I was pissed. Pissed because I had finally been doing really well again – had been happy, confident, cheery – more than I had been in quite some time and then WHAM! the whole issue with Cameron and POP goes my happy bubble. I felt guilty about being pissed over my happy bubble being popped. I mean, c’mon – I should be concerned about my son – and I was, I am – but instead there I was, moping about my happy bubble. Everyone kept telling me that I couldn’t blame myself that there was a myriad of reasons that he wasn’t doing well – to which I replied – Yeap, got the flow chart in my head already, you’re not telling me anything new. I almost made the flow chart. Thinking that may have been a bit over the top.  I moved through my emotions on Monday pretty quickly, or so I had thought. I am so hoping this is PMS and not PPD that’s been lying in wait, ready to pounce at the first sign of honest vulnerability. I’ve got a lot going on elsewhere too and as crazy as it sounds have been so busy that I haven’t even had time to do a to-do list. It’s on my mental to-do list to do a to-do list (try saying THAT three times fast) but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it. i’ve got to otherwise this is just not going to get any better and I will become even more lost in the forest of tasks that seem to be springing up around me, especially if I keep having days like today.

I feel like a deflated clown punching bag after a state fair.

Just toss me in the corner and leave me to be covered in hay and dirt and Lord only knows what else.

I’m pissed. I’m apathetic. I’m just well – here. I don’t really want to be awake but not quite ready to go to sleep yet. I can’t think of a darn thing to cheer myself up besides coming here and just letting it all hang out in naked honesty. I need to pray. I need to go lay down and read the Bible and find my answer there.

Hey – Chris is listening to the radio on his computer and it’s my favourite uplifting song – Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Starting to feel better already. :-)

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. Alli will be starting music camp so she’ll be gone from 9a – 12n every morning through Friday. I’m ready for another break.

Philippians 3:13

Leave a reply

This morning we had a pediatrician visit for both Cameron and Allison. Cameron’s appointment was his six month check-up and Alli’s was related to her continued rash behaviour.

Alli is being referred to a child psychologist for further testing/evaluation and I am very relieved. Perhaps this will finally shed some light on the underlying cause of her behaviour and lack of discipline acceptance.

Cameron, on the other hand, is suspected of Failure to Thrive. The pediatrician suggested I pump exclusively for a couple of days, giving him my breastmilk via bottle. I have a few reservations regarding that plan of action. First, exclusively bottlefeed and pump for TWO WHOLE DAYS? Pumping is not a good indicator of supply, bottlefeeding may confuse him, and frankly, after exclusively pumping for Charlotte for seven long months, I’m not so sure that I’m up for a second time around that block. I am also scared to start EP’ing as I fear I may end up doing that until he’s a year old, continuing to struggle to pump as well as get his weight gain in order. And what if I start and then try to go back to the breast and he refuses to go back? I can’t handle that all over again.

And so it is with a heavy heart filled with experience, fact, and love, I have decided to switch over to formula. A gradual transition to be sure but a difficult decision nonetheless. I know I will miss our nursing relationship but his health and growth as well as my mental stability are vastly more important than any potential benefit of breastmilk at this point. I fully anticipate a mourning period and will be keeping an eye on my mood as the prolactin production decreases as we wean. Deep in my heart I know this is the right decision for our family in order for us all to be happy and healthy.

It is at this time I am reminded of a wonderful bible verse –

Forgetting things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, this is wisdom. Philippians 3:13

This verse has become a constant reminder not to over-analyze every minute detail of what could have been done differently or where the train began to run off the tracks. To do this would be assigning ourselves to a dark pit of despair and that is not where we need to be now. We need to be front and center, in the light with the Lord so that we continue to shine and guide our children toward His glory. We will accept (once again) our new normal and adjust our lives accordingly so we may move forward full of prayer, wisdom, love, and strength. For at this time, there is nothing more we can do beyond this but wait on the Lord and trust in His infinite power and wisdom.

Nurturing your Soul

Leave a reply

old fashoned photo frazzled momLet’s face it – parenting is rough. I mean, I’d almost rather play full contact football with the NY Giants on the really hard days. I certainly feel like I have at the end of the day. It’s at the end of those days especially that I force myself to sit back and nurture my soul. I’ve nurtured everyone else’s by then and doggone it, I deserve some lovin’ too.

As moms with PPD, we are in a unique class indeed. We marvel at moms in public who seem so put together, at moms in playgroup who calmly soothe their babies. We wonder what is wrong with us and why we are not like that. We need an entirely different set of skills and yet there is no one nearby to share these skills with us and sadly many of us are left to fend for ourselves as families find more and more distance between what used to be right next door or down the street.

Thankfully PPD is becoming more and more recognized and more information is available to us today than ever before. Slowly the stigma is being removed and women and even lawmakers are talking about PPD and coming up with solutions. In the meantime, all we can do is keep the communication lines open, learning to ask for help as well as accept help when it is offered.

I will start by sharing a few methods I’ve used to get through what I call “High Stress Moments.” You know, the moments when the baby is screaming (and has been for hours), the dogs are barking, the mailman is banging on the door, the phone starts to ring, the dishes need to be done, your toddler is throwing a tantrum in the middle of the floor because Cookie Monster didn’t pick the right letter for the day and all you want to do is for Calgon to take you away. Now. Actually, five minutes ago would have been perfect.

Tip #1: Prioritize. The baby will be just fine in his or her crib if you need a few moments to yourself, even if you just step outside or go to your room and scream or sob into your pillow. Or write it down and then tear it up if you don’t want anyone to read it. This accomplishes two things – gets it off your chest and soothes the frustration with tearing. (You could also keep bubble wrap around!) And the mailman? Well he can just leave a note. The phone? Thank goodness for voice mail. Leave a message with updates about the baby and informing callers that mom and baby are resting. Visitors? A mom I know created a letter stating what visitors would be expected to do if they came by. She had her midwife sign it to make it official. Another mom I know had a list of stuff to be done on the refrigerator and yet another mom kept her bathrobe at the door so that she could appear to have been napping if anyone happened by.

Tip#2: Take time for you. And yes, that even means just grocery trips by yourself. Never before has a grocery trip been such a luxurious indulgence and I usually treat myself to something special and it does not have to be high in calories or fat. (Although chocolate ice cream is a favorite of mine!)

Tip#3: Make time for you & your significant other. Does not have to be sexual, just a coffee or even a nice dinner at home once baby has gone to bed or nap. Go to the following website: www.postpartumstress.com and click on their Family Support Link. They have a Postpartum Pact for you and your partner to complete. This will help your partner better understand how they can help you. They also have cards you can print out and hand out to loved ones.

Tip#4: Try to educate those around you about PPD. If you are unable to do this on your own, recruit your physician to get handouts and maybe even make an appointment for both you and your loved one to talk with your doctor about PPD.

And last but not least, please remember that you are not alone, you are not to blame, and you will be well with help.

Post-Adoption Mood Disorders

Leave a reply

Only natural mothers get Postpartum Mood Disorders, right? Not so fast there… Mothers who adopt are also vulnerable although as an overall group the rate is typically lower than that of natural mothers. Yet it’s still there – the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the panic that sets in when given the care of a newborn child. And for Adoptive mothers, there’s the added pressure of feeling that they have to PROVE to everyone they are truly worthy of parenting this little creature with whom they’ve been entrusted. So these mothers are even more likely to hide their suffering to keep their babies from being taken from them after they’ve gone through so many hoops to get bring their precious angels home.

Read one adoptive mother’s experience from “Singing the Post-Adoption Blues”, an article written by Limor Gal at Haaretz.com, the online version of an Israeli newspaper:

“The first time I stayed alone with her, after a month when there had been people in the house all the time, I suddenly understood that this was not a doll that you put on the shelf and then go to sleep. It’s a little girl, she’s mine, and I have to take care of her. Suddenly I understood that it was a lifetime responsibility, and I wasn’t prepared for it. These were the first signs of the shock and the depression that followed.”

As Post-Adoption Depression is slowly being recognized, one doctor in the article states:

“The phenomenon is at a stage where postpartum depression was in the in the past,” says child and youth psychiatrist Dr. Miri Keren, director of the department for infants at the Geha Psychiatric Hospital in Petah Tikva. “There is almost no research information about it; in effect it is not yet really defined, and there is little awareness of its existence.”

These moms need our support too. It’s not just about supporting natural moms. It’s about supporting EVERY mom.