Category Archives: Whatever Wednesday

Whatever Wednesday: Welcome to hell, courtesy of Facebook

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Last night, I curled up in bed with a bilingual copy of Pablo Neruda. Snuggled under a wool blanket, two quilts, propped up with several comfy pillows, I read until I passed out. (Which took all of 5 minutes but I digress.) Point is, I fell asleep happy. Comfortable. Safe. A sense of order and bliss surrounding me.

This morning?

Ripped away from me in mere milliseconds after typing in http://www.facebook.com.

Oh.MAH.GAWD.

There’s some scrolling status update thing in the corner ABOVE the already annoying sidebar chat list.

And there’s no choice in what you see on your News Update now. It auto-updates. With what it THINKS you want to see the most.

Don’t get me started on the lists. Because really. Automatically added to lists via location or who FB thinks my closest friends are? Wow. Although this one hit me a few days ago, I’m still working my head around it.

I immediately set off to the Twitter. For help. For support. For… OW. Mah head. I may be blind. I may… there… but… wha?

Tech Crunch offered a solution. Change your language to English (UK) in your Account Settings. Didn’t work for me. It’s like I tripped overnight and fell into some massive rabbit hole which then landed me in one of Dante’s circles of Hell which then flew me via Oceanic Flight 815 over to the island with the boys from Lord of the Flies. GET ME THE EFF OUTTA HERE. PLEASE.

Ever seen Nothing to Lose with Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins? No? The clip below sums up perfectly how I feel about the changes at FB this morning.

“You’re driving on the sidewalk … people got to walk there!”

“I’m blind! I cant.SEE.SHIT!”

Thanks Zuckerburg. Thanks for the massive ass migraine. You’ll be getting a bill.

Whatever Wednesday: Love Thyself

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Today? Better spent stuck in an episode of Fawlty Towers. Specifically the one about the construction workers and the ever changing door. Because wow. It’s nearly 5pm and I thought staying in bed was a better option at 9am. Turns out I was right.

But enough about focusing on what went WRONG today. Time to focus on some positive.

That’s where John from Daddy Runs A lot comes in handy. Wait, that didn’t come out right. I digress.

Two days ago, John posted a Link-up in which he challenges you to list things you love about yourself.

I knew I wanted to write for it as soon as I read it.

Today is a good day to finally write. I could use the ego-boosting. Even if it’s self-inflicted. Yes. I know that makes me narcissistic but hell. Aren’t we all to a certain degree? Besides. It’s really more of an exercise in getting my brain out of the negative rut in which it’s so flawlessly stuck itself today.

Here goes.

(Note: These are in no particular order)

1. My sarcasm. I adore my fluency in sarcasm. I do. It’s allowed me to view the world in a lighter manner, to find the humor in the dark, and then inappropriately remark upon it to others. It’s my second language. It’s allowed me to make some really hilarious friends on Twitter too. Snark, anyone?

2. My eyes. Hazel and flecked with gold as they slide from green to blue to grey, my eyes are quite possibly one of my most favorite things about myself. I’ve been told they’re deep, gorgeous, beautiful, full of soul and heart, seductive, and trance-inducing. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention them in this list.

3. My hair. I have had a love/hate relationship with my hair since the birth of my second daughter when brushing it became part of my Postpartum OCD. I chopped it off then but have finally grown it back. It’s halfway down my back, chestnut brown with lots of natural auburn and gold highlights. It’s also annoyingly straight and silky. Seriously. My hair? Belongs in a Pantene commercial. It’s that gorgeous. I like how it feels on my back when I’m wearing a tank top and how it slides over my shoulders too. It’s comforting now instead of anxiety inducing. Plus it frames my eyes nicely. 😉

4. My writing. I’ve been writing since I was 6. My first short story was 11 pages long. One of my other first pieces was a two page piece about Organisms (you totally read that wrong, didn’t you? Shame.) I attended Duke Young Writer’s Camp in HS instead of going to Disney World with my brothers and grandfather. Okay, so they decided to go after I was accepted to Duke for the second summer in a row. Still. That’s dedication. I have a degree in English. Without writing, I would perish. Writing is my outlet, my peace, my soul. It’s what I do. Yanno, when I’m not doing the postpartum thing. I’ve been told I’m a natural by several people. Asked how I do it so well. Um. I’m horribly unorganized in this department and just write when the mood strikes, pouring everything out in five-ten minutes or less. SO there you go. No trick.

5. My big heart. Again, this one is a love/hate relationship but my heart has taken me some really amazing places, especially this summer. Sure it’s hurt like hell sometimes but there are no regrets. I refuse to look back and be sad because things are over but will instead smile because they happened (thank u, Dr. Seuss!) I believe my big heart has allowed me to see the world differently than most, to be open to embracing everything with love and compassion. I can’t imagine living any other way, despite the pain to which this opens me to as I glide through life.

6. My free spirit. I’m happiest when surrounded by nature. Kind of like a wood nymph. I adore that I can sit in the middle of a forest and be filled with peace immediately. Or stare at the ocean. Or sit by a lake. Or.. you get the drift. I adore that I am able to just “be” when necessary. Float off into the middle of peace and stay there for a bit. I know this is a gift and I am beyond blessed. For this, I am grateful. I totally love this about me.

 

So there you have it. Six things I love about myself right now.

You should go over to John’s place and link up too, by the way.

Whatever Wednesday: Finding Happy

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When I was 5, my Aunt died. Then several other relatives passed away at an alarming rate. Much of my childhood filled to the brim with memorial services or talk of how yet another relative succumbed to the ravages of cancer. Some relatives I was very close to yet other relatives, like a distant cousin named Keith, I barely knew. But still. Death. Always peering over my shoulder. Always there.

School wasn’t any easier. I grew up in a small mostly white town at the Jersey Shore. On the walk home, it wasn’t unusual to see a Lotus, Ferrari, Porsche, Maserati, Benz, or BMW. And yes, I mean on the same day, not throughout the week. We had a Dodge Ramcharger and a Datsun. The Ramcharger was rusted out. It’s special feature was that we could watch the pavement slide by as our parents sped up and down the Turnpike and other badly paved roads. This was awesome unless.. roadkill. Then EWWW. The other kids weren’t nice to me. They teased me. Called me “Corroded” whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. Yeah, I was even bullied with intellectualism. Awesome, right?

In the 6th grade, we moved to VA. Given the opportunity to reinvent myself, you better believe I did. I had friends the first day. Things were awesome until High School when I bloomed. Yes, I mean BLOOMED. The ensuing sexual harassment sucked. I endured it until I graduated because, well, I was a kid, and my memories of bullying as an elementary kid came flooding back.

Then? College.

Wow, college. No more sexual harassment but there was that time in my dorm room when an acquaintance tried to force something on me. Thankful for strong legs and a good aim, I survived. He did too, but believe me, he never spoke to me again.

During college, I drove a lot. I sat at a local state park and made friends with ducks. I stood in the middle of a lake during a thunderstorm and let the rain beat down on me, praying for a lightning strike just a month or so after my grandfathers died within 19 days of each other. Clearly I survived.

I found myself then, deep under all my pain, all the crap which had been buried on top of me. Strong. Beautiful. Amazing. I promised never to lose myself again.

Only I did.

I fell back into a hole, dug by myself. I sacrificed myself for what I though I wanted. For the life society trained me to believe was mine. Only it wasn’t and I was drowning just like I wanted to do that day when I waded into the lake.

I needed to breathe.

I’m breathing now. It’s taken me 9 years and a few months to get here, but I’m breathing. I’m smiling. At the beginning of the summer, I couldn’t smile. Once I started smiling, my face hurt. For two weeks. Yes, my FACE hurt from smiling. That pain, though, the pain in my cheeks, my jaw, my head, was a pleasant and welcome pain. Yeah, this summer has hurt. It’s hurt like hell. But I’m welcoming the pain. Because the pain means I’m feeling again. It means I’m no longer numb. It means I’m living. Loving. Embracing.

If living my life requires that I go through periods when walking on shredded glass would be preferable, I’ll take it… and I’ll smile despite the blood and tears. I’ll take the pain. I’ll take the happy. I’ll take the joy of finally exhaling surrounding it all.

In this moment, no matter what, my life is beautiful.

It’s beautiful because I am living it.
No more apologies. Just me. Living. Outloud.

Whatever Wednesday: Embracing Life

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Life is capable of handing you some extremely sour lemons. They crop up when we least expect them to and carry the ability to completely ruin our day.

But life is also capable of throwing some really sweet fruit your way too. Like ripe juicy strawberries on a summer day. You know the kind… the ones that make you sigh and sink down into your chair when you take that first bite. You don’t even realize there’s juice rolling down your chin because you’re hopelessly lost in Strawberry Blissville.

I know it can seem like all life is tossing you is sour lemons. I’ve been there more than once. But I’ve also had those super sweet strawberries. Learn to enjoy them while they’re around regardless of the stains they may leave on your heart. There is no larger sour lemon than missing out on a handful of joy simply because you were too worried about the what if’s and the consequences.

Live life. Don’t judge it. Don’t wait for it. Don’t miss it, regret it, shun it, or critique it. Live. Embrace your joy. Embrace the pain. But live no matter what. We deserve nothing less.

Whatever Wednesday: Without Music….

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Music is so much more than “just” a combination of beats, instruments, and voices.

Music is anything but just.

It’s heart, soul, passion, sadness, desire, admiration, adoration, lust… it’s sex set to the driving rhythm of a drum. Or not. Sometimes it’s just a soulful voice bounding back and forth through the air – playing with your mind – pulling at your heart.

It’s a thought encapsulated with every strum of a guitar. Every stroke of the keyboard… it’s a wish lost to the haunting echoes of a piano or a dream shared through a flute.

Music is our hearts, exposed.

It drives us, pushes us toward peace, fills the silence around us with melodies of the desires of our hearts.

Music.

Where would we be without it?

Seriously.

Think about that for just a minute.

Imagine our world without The Beatles.

Without the Rolling Stones.

Without Beethoven or Bach or Mozart.

Imagine our world without rhythm. Without guitars. Without Slash. Without Jazz. Without… the silence of a world without music would be paralyzing beyond belief. There is a natural rhythm to life, a beat to our world. We live within this beat, between the percussion of daily activities, we live, we thrive. We start the day with breathing. In, out. In, out. We get out of bed. Walk. Right, left, right left. Water. It rushes. Changes when we interrupt it. The coffee maker. It gurgles, beeps, churns. Traffic. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Vroom. Office. Staplers, copiers, people, chatter, up, down, doors open, close. Our entire day is composed of music we ignore. Music we ignore because we consider it to be just life. It’s not just life. Life, like music, is never just anything. Life is. It’s a rhythm. It should be filled with passion, lust, heart, desires, admiration, adoration, compassion… life should never be just anything. Life IS.

Today, slow down. Listen to your life. Listen to the rhythm. I dare you. Find the beat. Dance to it. Embrace it. Sway in it and lose yourself within it’s warm embrace. If you don’t like it, change the station. Change the rhythm. It’s your life. It should be your rhythm. Find it and make it yours.

Don’t dance to someone else’s rhythm. Find yours.

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