Category Archives: prayer

Dear Katie,

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 You are not alone. You are not to blame. And you will be well with help. There are so many women across the nation and across the world who have been where you are – suffering alone, scared, anxiety ridden and filled with guilt that they are not being the “best” or “most perfect” mother that they can be. Motherhood isn’t easy for everyone. Even the moms who make it look easy have a hard time. But the good news is that it does get easier and it does get better. Some of us have to take it hour by hour or even minute by minute in the beginning. And some of us need more help than others to get through the early steps of motherhood. Through peer support and solid medical support we make it through. We survive the sheer desperation and panic of postpartum disorders and we make it through. And you know what? It makes us stronger. It makes us even more grateful for what we have, for every smile we witness, for every hug we receive. Because we remember when we couldn’t enjoy those times. I know you’re scared and frightened – there are people who can help you and want to help you on your journey to recovery.

When I suffered from Postpartum OCD, I couldn’t enjoy my children. I didn’t want to laugh or smile. I wanted them to go away and I would get angry with them for the smallest thing. Several times I thought about running away. But where to? And if I left, would I really solve my problems? At the time I thought I would. And then I came crashing down – and landed in the hospital for treatment. I slept the whole weekend and my medication was changed. I also started to reach out for peer support which helped me immensely. Through contact with women in the local birthing network, Jane Honikman, and starting talk therapy, I slowly started to dig my way out of the deep dark hole I had fallen into. And I eventually got to the top. I won’t lie – it was hard work. And by no stretch of the imagination am I who I used to be. I have changed. For the better I think. But I had others to help me and to rely on. And now I pay it forward by helping other women.

I want you to know that you have been in my prayers since I first heard of your disappearance. I have been praying for you and your precious family. I pray that you are safe and alive. I pray that you will return to your two precious boys and your loving husband soon. I know they miss you terribly. Katie, if there’s a chance you are reading this, know that there are a lot of caring and concerned people praying for your safe return home. Know that we do not blame you and we all want to help you in any way that we can. You can do this – you are NOT alone!

Warmest,

Lauren

Putting on the Brakes Part II

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I found a sample of a prenatal vitamin yesterday that has Omega 3’s  built in so I took it last night. I have felt much calmer today and Alli’s behaviour has much improved as well. Not sure if that’s a huge coincidence or not.

I did call my OB’s office but they never returned (to be fair, I wasn’t able to call until late this afternoon). I will try to call them again tomorrow. As far as I know it’s ok to take Omega 3.6.9 during pregnancy but I still like to check with my physician’s office.

I plan on taking the rest of the prenatal samples in the meantime – until I get a response from my doctor’s office. I have therapy in the morning as well so I will certainly be discussing all of this with my therapist.

And yes, I am also using my online support network right now too. I think having a rest plan in place for this weekend is reassuring for me too. I am SO looking forward to sleeping in on Sunday. I talked to Alli about that today – she hates surprises where someone is going to be gone so we talk to her about them ahead of time. I told her that if she was good, daddy would give her a surprise from me on Saturday night at bedtime. She liked that idea until she decided she wanted two surprises and I told her there was only going to be one – enter thrown fit number one. I think she’s sleepy – her behaviour tends to be worse in the evening if it’s going to be bad.

The In-laws may be coming to pick her up tomorrow afternoon so we’ll see if that has any effect on her or if it was merely a coincidence that she suddenly started misbehaving after the last time they got her. I’m hoping for the coincidence.

Exit TiVo KidZone

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Those three words are becoming almost as precious to me as “I love you.”

I’ll tell you why. It’s because when I click on those three words, I am reclaiming the TiVo for myself. It means the girls are down to quiet time and it’s now MOMMY time. Of course, the TV is still on Noggin when I go to live TV but that changes pretty quickly. Usually I put a movie on in the background and work on PPD stuff. Today I’m taking it slow. Have a few emails to send but as far as that’s concerned, I’m not doing a lot today. I’m going to continue to enjoy the slower pace.

This morning the girls and I went outside after breakfast and played. Charlotte swung and Alli wandered about playing with dead limbs from trees, pretending they were a little family. She also had a lot of fun throwing pine straw about. The funny story with Alli happened yesterday afternoon when Chris and I took the girls outside to play after quiet time.

Alli was swinging and all of the sudden she let out this really loud MMMMOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Yeah, typical three year old stuff, right? It gets funnier – the goats at the farm across the street ANSWERED her! So she changed her moo to a baaaaaa and for a good four or five minutes, she and the goats were “talking” to each other. Chris and I just lost it and Alli thought it was great. I LOVE that we live somewhere that she can experience stuff like that. Just love it.

Today Charlotte was the funny one – she would put both arms up in the air while swinging and squeal – like she was trying to say “wheeeee!” What I really get a kick out of is when she gives the sign for “more” while swinging. That’s just TOO precious.

As for my weekend, it was a huge success and I feel mentally rested. I kicked off the weekend with my therapy session and by 11a, I was OFF. At first it was weird to not be doing PPD stuff but eventually I just sat back and enjoyed things. I watched Nothing to Lose and took a nap Friday afternoon. Alli got out of her room while I was napping and ravaged the kitchen. Destroyed a $10 bottle of pure vanilla extract, poured out all the flower, brown sugar, soy sauce, large pearl tapioca, etc. It was a MESS. The only good thing that came out of it was her having to stay in her room for the rest of the afternoon which meant I got more time to myself. I was disappointed though – I had planned on taking the girls outside after quiet time. Saturday wasn’t much more of a success with Alli or Charlotte – both were fussy and whiny. And Alli ended up having to spend Sat afternoon in her room as well. She was much better on Sunday and so far so good today as well. We didn’t make it to Kid Nation last Thursday night due to misbehaviour as well. So as long as her behaviour stays on the up and up today, we’ll be watching it tonight.

I’m gonna run now and take a nap while I can. Hopefully no one gets out and does anything messy while I’m resting!

National Day of Prayer for those with Mental Illness

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As so named by NAMI FaithNet, today is the National Day of Prayer for those with Mental Illness. In honour of this day, I’d like to post the prayer NAMI has listed at their site. Take a moment to remember all who struggle with mental illness – whether it be PPD, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, or any of the other disorders that exist today. Pray thankfully that there is treatment available, pray desperately that the stigma be removed so more can open up and have the treatment available to them. To suffer from a mental illness is a dark place in which to be… pray that those who suffer and their families/caregivers may see the light and hope they so desperately need.

Prayer: Margaret Ann Holt, UMC

O, God, we gather here together today, as people from many different faith communities. We come before You, remembering all those persons whose lives have been touched by mental illnesses. We give thanks for those persons here who have given of their time and talents to do what they are able to help persons who are dealing with mental illnesses in their lives and in the lives of their families and friends. We give thanks for the improvement in medication and treatment programs that have enabled persons with mental illnesses to live productive lives. We pray that our society would do everything possible to make early diagnosis and treatment a standard operating procedure. We pray and ask that stigma be removed, so that persons and their families would get the appropriate help as soon as symptoms appear. Guide each one of us, and help us, as we endeavor to bring help and hope to those families and individuals.

We remember in our prayers those persons with mental illnesses who need to obtain access to their prescribed medications, treatment services, and counseling in the Gulf coast states where Hurricanes Katrina and Rita left devastation in their wake. We remember in our prayers all those who are in mental health crisis as a result of the horrible experiences they had during the storms and the devastation they experienced following the storms. We pray that our nation can respond in a timely and humanitarian way to this urgent mental health care need. We pray that in our own local communities, we can provide the appropriate health care for mind, body, and spirit to enable individuals to be on their journey of Recovery. Amen

Read in unison:

The faith community says to those people who suffer from the symptoms of mental illness, and to their family members:

We will walk with you. And God walks with you. You will not go through this alone.

Pray in unison:

O Lord, you have searched us and known us

You know when we sit down and when we rise up,

and know our innermost thoughts.

You search out our paths and know all our ways.

Before we speak, you know our words.

When we were knit together in our mother’s womb

You knew us as woman, as child, as man.

Wherever we go, Your hand will lead us.

So guide us along the pathways to hope,

that night becomes bright as day.

So lead us on our walk together,

that darkness is lifted from our hearts.

So encourage us that our sisters and brothers

Who have mental illness shall know that

they never walk alone.

 

Amen

Ebb and Flow

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A cold snuck up on me this past weekend. Friday morning I had the sniffles. Chalked it up to allergies. By the end of the day I had phoned my OB’s office to find out what medicines I could take. I felt myself slipping into the downward spiral of the severe blah’s. My eyes hurt, I could hardly keep my them open, my throat was scratchy and sore. And the giveaway of imminent illness – a craving for Chicken noodle soup. I HATE chicken noodle soup and absolutely do not eat the stuff unless I’m sick. I even visited Progresso’s website to make sure they had a decent version. Couldn’t tell though – they just had the names listed, not pictures. Chris picked me up a can on the way home from work. I downed the soup once he got home and went straight to bed at 830p. I should mention that I had been awake since 5a that morning with a runny nose and severe pelvic pain on top of everything else. He also brought me some medicine which I took even before I ate my soup.

I felt better Saturday morning but still had a craving for Chicken Noodle Soup. Odd for me – I never crave anything other than breakfast food in the morning. I even thought about eating the chicken and rice soup we had but I dislike that even more than chicken noodle soup. Took medicine all day Saturday and didn’t really eat much but did keep hydrated. Had a huge italian dinner though. Would have been better if I had cooked it at home but hey, when you’re sick – taste isn’t really a huge factor.

I’m much better now, off cold meds, and the sniffles are mostly gone.

Charlotte started to self-feed over the weekend. It’s been exciting and bittersweet at the same time. I’m starting to go through the emotions of what I felt when I stopped pumping for her. She’s been sitting on my lap in the living room while I feed her so it’s been our “bonding” time. She is still on my lap but as soon as I get the dining room table cleaned off, we’ll start eating at the table. I knew she’d be growing up and I know this is a good thing but it’s still hard. I am so proud of her for how far she’s come – from a cleft palate &  being on an NG tube to a g-tube and now, less than a year after having her g-tube removed, she’s thriving and feeding herself. I couldn’t really ask for a bigger miracle. As for cuddle time, she has taken to picking up books, bringing them to me, slamming them in my lap, and then waiting for me to pick her up and read the book to her. Sometimes we make it through the entire book, sometimes just the first page. Depends on how tired she is when she brings the book to me. *sighs* Motherhood – full of ebb and flow…..

On another note, I purposefully recorded two episodes of Oprah last week. Halle Berry’s interview and Sinead O’Connor’s interviews both got snatched up by the TiVo. Both women said something that really stuck with me and probably wouldn’t have hit me the way they did had I not just experienced the past year and a half I did.

Halle Berry commented on how once you’ve been down in a valley, you learn the way out and when you go there again, you’re able to find the way out faster.  A lightbulb popped on in my head when she said that. Makes SO much sense and was very comforting to hear.

Sinead O’Connor’s comment that struck me was about medications. She stated that her medication provided the scaffolding that allowed her to recover. That when she was sick, it was like a brick here or there would just go missing and crumble. She kept saying that she probably wasn’t describing her experience to the best of her ability but I thought she did a rather fantastic job at making the mental illness journey a concrete image. (She also said that after taking meds the first time, she felt “concrete” filling in the holes…. Sinead has been diagnosed as bipolar)

I’m amazed at how differently I interpret and analyze things now. I am starting to put more of a positive spin on things and when I say something positive to someone in a day-to-day situation, I am somewhat surprised at myself but joyfully so. I am loving laughing more and being sillier with my kids and husband. My mom sometimes doesn’t know what to do with me because I’m even joking with her too now. She’s so not used to that. She’s used to me being serious and sarcastic which is funny to me now because I GOT my sense of humor from HER. She’s always been the one to emphasize trying to find the funny side of a situation. If you can laugh at it, then laugh. And I do try to laugh. If I didn’t, I’d cry, I think. Never been much of a crier though. I tend to hold things in and lash out with anger and irritability. Working on that though – have a feeling that will be a constant work in progress but I’m a LOT better than I used to be – and everyone around me will tell you so.

Gotta run, I hear Alli calling me.