On October 30, 2007, a story was posted at the living section of www.cnn.com, written by Lisa Kogan, who writes for O magazine and www.oprah.com. The story is entitled “Funny Woman’s Unbelievably Busy Day.” Lisa Kogan is a single mother and her writing is vivid and snappy. However, when she gets to 4:02pm in her busy day, the entry reads as follows:
4:02 p.m. I get up again. I am ghostwriting a book, and four chapters are due by Wednesday morning. Clinical depression is a luxury I can’t afford.
And this is where i take issue with the article.
I have had clinical depression. A Major Depressive Episode topped off with OCD for some added excitement. I am here to tell you that in no way is Clinical depression a luxury. Now she may have been using the expression in a joking sarcastic manner, but that even makes it worse. As a mother who has suffered Postpartum depression, I have judged myself. I have felt as if others are judging me. I have been judged by others. It is a harsh cruel world. The Depression I experienced was anything but luxurious. I was unable to take care of myself, unable to shower, unable to care for my daughters, our dogs, my husband – and he bore the brunt of my outbursts. I was angry with him for no reason. He could say the nicest thing to me and I would yell at him. I spent a lot of time angry, a lot of time with horrible thoughts about myself and my daughters floating through my head. I finally landed in the hospital with my second round of this so called “luxury of depression.” Yes, I slept for two days which may sound luxurious, but trust me, sleeping at a mental ward is miles away from luxury. The pillows are as flat as paper, you are guaranteed roommates who may or may not be as sane as you currently perceive yourself to be, and worse yet, there are the other patients on the ward who are almost guaranteed to be well, frightening to a mother who’s not sure what exactly is wrong with her. We have all walked our own path that has led us to this place where we are seeking and desperately hoping for help – a return to the person we believe we can be. For some of us that dream is a reality, for others, unfortunately, it is not. But we all deserve just as much compassion, care, love, and respect from the outside world regarding our mental health status, whatever the diagnoses may be for us.
I wouldn’t wish clinical depression on anyone – not Ms. Kogan, not any mother. But some of us experience it and this is why I write my blog, why I volunteer with PSI, why I founded PACE – so those of us who do suffer can find hope and compassion. Now THAT is a luxury I can afford for myself and to pay forward – sweet support. (And sweet support is also a luxury that EVERY mother deserves to have!)
