Category Archives: family

A Little Nervous

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I have my first “big” speaking engagement on Friday and I can feel myself starting to get nervous. I know I’ll be fine. I’m really looking forward to meeting Katherine Stone and Dr. Jeffrey Newport. I am more in awe that I have been asked to speak along with them than anything else and it speaks volumes to me as to how far I have come since giving birth to my first daughter and struggling through those first dark days of Postpartum OCD all alone. I have found immense comfort in the knowledge that I will never be alone again and that has made all the difference this time around. (Ok, that, and the meds. I can’t forget about the meds.)

I’d like to take this opportunity to again thank everyone who believed in me and has supported me through this endeavor – especially my husband who lived through it all with me and is still here (although snoring at the moment) and as strong as ever. Amazement really doesn’t do this justice – the journey I’ve been on has been such a treacherous and yet fantastically awe-inspiring one at the same time. I can’t wait to share it on Friday and hopefully educate and light the way for other women to emerge from their PPD coccoon with as much strength and energy and support as I have.

Breathe…

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Wow. The past few weeks have been insane.

First, the girls got colds.

Then Chris got the flu and I got a sore throat. (Of course by then the girls were better and lemme tell ya – sick parents + recovered kids makes for a very unbalanced household!)

We finally got our car back (YAY).

I’ve been lucky to have any time to myself during the day. The girls recently started napping again during the day – both of them in their room but I’ve been so busy with trying to keep up with (read: catch up) housework that I often times don’t get on the computer at all during the day and of course at night I am exhausted so of COURSE I am not thinking of the computer.

I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things pretty soon here.

PACE meetings haven’t been terribly successful yet either. Gotta figure out how to change that and work on my relationships with local physicians. My mom will be here in April so maybe I’ll get her to keep the kids one or two mornings while I go around town to OB’s and Ped’s offices to stick up fliers. I also have an event planned for next month here in town, a screening of two PPD documentaries that will hopefully raise awareness of PPD and of PACE in the process.

In March I will also be speaking in Atlanta at an event co-sponsored by MHA and Skyland Trail. Look for more information on this later this week. Next month is going to be very busy!

Wish I could stay longer but I am in severe need of caffeine and the girls have been absolutely horrid this afternoon. I am about to pull out the Nanny McPhee Medicine (aka blackstrap molasses).

A Dark Place

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Last night, I slid a little further towards that dark hole those of us who have had PPD know a little too well. I felt as if it reached out and grabbed me, sucking me down until only a glimmer of light remained. I called my husband in tears about 10 minutes before he got off work. Not only had Cameron been nursing non-stop, he had been spitting up non-stop. When I went to get him up, his sheet was drenched and so was he. I cleaned him up best I could – in between our one and a half year old running in and out of his room and not minding me at all. In addition, as I changed Cameron’s sheets, he vomited at least three times. Alli was a charmer all day yesterday. I can’t imagine how much worse things would have been had she been misbehaving too. I let myself get angry – angry about the Nyastatin, angry that Charlotte wasn’t listening, angry that every time I called the pizza place either Cameron or Charlotte would scream. I finally called my husband and had him call in our order for us. I had already started swirling downwards by that point though – way down – and I knew it – and part of me wanted to stop it yet another part of me wanted to submit. Once my husband called in our pizza order, fresh air seemed to surround me and things started to look up. I managed to cling to the side of the dark hole and not fall too far. Once I got the girls to bed, things started to calm down. Cameron was up until 1130 – spitting up and nursing, poor thing. But he did sleep in my arms for a bit and that was blissful. In fact, it’s what calmed me down the most. Well, that and knowing Chris was here to attend to anything else that might happen. I now had support here and that was a HUGE relief.

 Today, after Chris gets off work, I will be taking the car and going to get myself  a coffee and either picking up a few groceries or getting a NY Giants shirt. (Maybe both!) I told Chris I needed some time alone today to recover from yesterday and he quickly agreed. I am going to try and pump a little bit later – there’s already 3oz in the fridge but Cameron is a hungry baby in the afternoons so I need to try and leave more than he will need.

Even though I am having bad days, the good days have outnumbered them by far – and when I have a bad day, I am able to recognize that it is nothing more than that – a bad day. I am also able to balance that with a plan to improve the next day.

My husband shared something with me today. He found an interesting tip on the internet about achieving your goals. Take a blank index card. Write positive affirmations or notes to yourself on it. Carry it with you wherever you go – look at it as needed. I think I’m going to do that – after all, writing here has helped me tremendously. I can’t imagine what carrying little positive affirmations will do for me.

A note on Cameron’s spitting up:  

Cameron’s pediatrician finally called in his Nyastatin prescription and he started it on Wednesday. Yesterday he spent most of the day spitting up and vomiting. I stopped the Nyastatin and will be using diluted Grapefruit Seed Extract instead. I have no intention of calling his pediatrician’s office because according to them, “Nyastatin shouldn’t make him spit up.” Um, well, it does, and no thanks to the nurse who actually told my husband “It shouldn’t make him spit up, just hold his mouth shut so it all stays in” Yes, we are writing a letter of complaint. Not only for that, but for the fact that we called the ped’s office on MONDAY about thrush and it took them until WEDNESDAY to call something in – and even then, they couldn’t remember what they were supposed to call in. UGH!

Mornin’

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Cameron officially has a nighttime routine!

 YAY!

I got up with him twice last night. He goes to bed around 10p, wakes up at 1, 4, and then 7. Wooohoooo!

I like the time he wakes up because I will get him up, change him, then take him into the living room to nurse. No one else is awake yet so it’s “my” time even though yes, I have a baby attached to me. Once I lay him back down, I take the dogs out before getting the girls up so more “me” time.

I am definitely adjusting to the new routine.

 As for the emotional aspect – my OB added Wellbutrin to my Lexapro and I am happy to say that it seems to be working so far. Of course, I just started it yesterday so we’ll have to see. I am supposed to be going today to get my Mirena placed. No more lil babies for us – and that does make me sad in a way but then again, I know that there’s just no way I could handle another pregnancy and we’re tight enough financially as it is right now. So I’m doing the responsible thing and getting the birth control on the right path.

Gotta run, he just finished nursing so now it’s time for my morning freeze. :-)

Busy Busy Busy

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Wow. I had no idea that three kids would keep me so busy. I mean, I knew it would up the ante but good gracious!

Amazingly we have a family routine already and Cameron is barely a month old. Cameron on the other hand is blissfully ignorant of this routine to a certain degree as this past weekend we had a marathon nursing session that lasted 48 hours. I couldn’t put him down without him screaming – he wouldn’t take the paci either. Only Mama! I think the ring stayed on one hand the whole weekend because it was pointless to keep switching it with him nursing so much. The thrush has pretty much disappeared – now if we could just get his diaper rash to clear up! It is looking much better than it did which is a positive. He’s also got the hang of latch and nursing is going much better. No more sore nipples, especially after this weekend. Thank GOODNESS because frankly, I don’t know if I could have taken the pain if it had lasted much longer!

Cameron had his first bouncer experience today. He really seemed to like it which is good – we’re trying to get him used to not being held as much so he’ll sleep in his bed. As it is now, he pretty much will only sleep on us (read: ME) and as soon as we put him down, he cries. We put a little angle pillow in his bed that we used with Charlotte and it seems to help some so I can’t help but wonder if there’s a bit of reflux going on. If there is, it’s mild as he really doesn’t spit up a lot anymore.

Charlotte has gotten to be quite vocal and is now the loudest of the three. An amazing accomplishment. Alli started dance lessons last week and seemed to really enjoy herself. We have to help her with her criss-cross applesauce sitting (aka indian style) for circle time at class. I think we’ll work on that tomorrow and Wednesday before her next class.

On a general life note, our only car died. It’s at the shop having a new engine put in as I type. I don’t know when we’ll get it back. We were planning on buying a mini-van with our tax refund and still are but the price will have to be a bit lower than we were planning on being that we now have to pay for the car to be repaired. Life. It DOES come at you fast!

Have a couple of new Allisonisms to share and both are from today. (She’s on point today!) This morning one of the dogs had an accident in the house and when Alli saw it she cried out, “POOP on the loose!” Good thing I wasn’t drinking something otherwise it would have spewed all over the place. The second one was later after Charlotte went down for quiet time. Cameron was lying on the boppy as I prepared to nurse. Alli was patting him on the head and telling him to just wait cuz mommy was getting ready to feed him. I let down my top and out toppled my breast and my brilliant 3 year old announced: “Your Food has arrived!” Again, thank GOD no liquid was involved.

Emotionally I am still intact, still on meds, no more anxiety or intrusive thoughts. I cried yesterday morning for a brief moment due to frustration with Cameron being fussy and not wanting to latch on. I was able to quickly calm myself down though. I did start back on the Omega 3.6.9’s this past weekend BUT quickly discovered I cannot take them while nursing Cameron just yet. He suddenly started to spit up quite a bit – almost projectile like and in large amounts. The Omega’s were the only new thing I had introduced to my system so to be safe, I quit taking them and he’s stopped spitting up.

Chris worked in the kitchen yesterday – cleaning, doing dishes, and taking out the trash. I am eternally grateful. I wish I could get caught up on the laundry though. I am so behind – SO SO SO behind. We have piles of clothes on the back porch that we pick through. So sad yet unfortunately a fact of life right now.

I think I might try and lie down on the couch to get a quick snooze in before everyone starts getting up around three. (And this is one part of the schedule Cameron IS familiar with. I’ve already got him napping at the same time as Charlotte. Wooohooo!) I keep taking it day by day knowing that eventually it does get easier.

Gotta run, Daughter Princess has asked me to dance with her. How on EARTH can I refuse an adorable Cinderally princess with a froggy towl draped over her head?