Category Archives: mom

Confessions from a black hole

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Last Saturday night I had a panic attack.

Alli had gone home with the in-laws to spend the night after her recital and I ended up having to take some pull-ups and church clothes over for her.

After I left, I headed over to Zaxby’s to grab some dinner for Chris and I.

The anxiety started gaining momentum as I left their neighborhood and continued to build the closer I got to Zaxby’s. You see, the intersection where Zaxby’s is located is where I had my accident on March 29th. At 10pm. On a Saturday night. (It was approaching 10p the closer I got to Zaxby’s.)

I pulled up to the speaker to place my order and the employee wouldn’t be quiet long enough for me to think. And that’s when it hit me.Black Hole Milkyway

My chest got tight, my throat started to close and I couldn’t breathe fast enough or get any sounds to come out. I wanted to yell at the employee, tell her to shut up so I could think!

I pulled away from the speaker and parked. I could hear her saying “ma’am? Ma’am” over the speaker over and over again but I didn’t care.

My mind was racing – I have to stop this, I have got to STOP this I have to – what if I can’t. What if I just drive into the car in front of me – what if I can’t stop this and I get stuck here. I can’t face Chris’ parents like this. Breathe dammit just Breathe. C’mon. Breathe. Open your throat and friggin breathe. And yeah, like that. Oh just shut up! (reached down to turn the radio off. C’mon. You KNOW what to do. You’ve got to break the cycle, interrupt the pace, slow things down. Don’t freak out. You CANNOT FREAK OUT. YOU CAN’T! GET A GRIP. Breathe. deeeeeeep slow breaths. There you go. Breathe. In through your nose, pull in your abs, out through your mouth, exhale into your ribs. Close your eyes. Relax. Let everything go loose. Don’t think about the drive through. Don’t think about the fear, stop. Stop and Breathe. Pray. Breathe. Pray. BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally calming myself down enough to think somewhat straight and feeling strong enough, I pulled back up to the speaker to order again.

After placing the order, I called Chris to let him know why I was running so late. Nevermind that, I had ordered the wrong thing he told me. And at that time it didn’t matter that I had just had a panic attack. I didn’t sound panicked he would later tell me so he didn’t know if I was being over dramatic or not. (Note: We did discuss this a few days later when we were both calm and in a sane state of mind. He apologized as did I. I also had the order fixed at the window prior to returning home)

The rest of the evening a total wash, I collapsed into bed shortly after returning home, completely drained after having all that adrenaline running free throughout my body.

The next morning at church I started down the road to Panicville once again but this time I cut it off before the left turn got started.

I’ll never know the real trigger. I’m sure though it had something to do with the accident and knowing that court was just around the corner.

I’m writing this because I need to get it out, I need to deal.

Tonight I wanted a cheeseburger. I didn’t decide this until 930p. The closest cheeseburger place is up near the intersection where my accident occurred. Again it is a Saturday night. Close to 10p. And yes, I was afraid to drive. I know for sure I’ll be discussing this with my therapist this week. I did discuss last week’s panic attack with her already but hadn’t felt up to writing about it until tonight.

Gotta take the good with the bad right?

Just turns out last Saturday night was a bad night. Gonna let it be.

Movin’ forward.

Next?

Post-Adoption Mood Disorders

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Only natural mothers get Postpartum Mood Disorders, right? Not so fast there… Mothers who adopt are also vulnerable although as an overall group the rate is typically lower than that of natural mothers. Yet it’s still there – the sleepless nights, the anxiety, the panic that sets in when given the care of a newborn child. And for Adoptive mothers, there’s the added pressure of feeling that they have to PROVE to everyone they are truly worthy of parenting this little creature with whom they’ve been entrusted. So these mothers are even more likely to hide their suffering to keep their babies from being taken from them after they’ve gone through so many hoops to get bring their precious angels home.

Read one adoptive mother’s experience from “Singing the Post-Adoption Blues”, an article written by Limor Gal at Haaretz.com, the online version of an Israeli newspaper:

“The first time I stayed alone with her, after a month when there had been people in the house all the time, I suddenly understood that this was not a doll that you put on the shelf and then go to sleep. It’s a little girl, she’s mine, and I have to take care of her. Suddenly I understood that it was a lifetime responsibility, and I wasn’t prepared for it. These were the first signs of the shock and the depression that followed.”

As Post-Adoption Depression is slowly being recognized, one doctor in the article states:

“The phenomenon is at a stage where postpartum depression was in the in the past,” says child and youth psychiatrist Dr. Miri Keren, director of the department for infants at the Geha Psychiatric Hospital in Petah Tikva. “There is almost no research information about it; in effect it is not yet really defined, and there is little awareness of its existence.”

These moms need our support too. It’s not just about supporting natural moms. It’s about supporting EVERY mom.

 

Not just US

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I found this story about a mother in Thailand who experienced Postpartum Depression and wanted to share it with you. Doctors across the world (not just here in the US) are struggling to better understand this condition. What’s really sad about this article is that there ARE no statistics regarding the prevalance of Postpartum Mood Disorders in Thailand and not much research on successful treatments available in their culture either.

Here’s an excerpt from the article and you can click on it to go to the full piece:

“During the nine months I was carrying my baby, I was happy with the expectation of her birth and had prepared myself reading child rearing books. But two weeks after giving birth, I started to feel confused and was not feeling cheerful.

“I thought I was well prepared but I felt so drained. My baby had colic. She cried every night for three months. When your child cries and you cannot do anything, you feel worthless.

“I also had to deal with the pain from the surgery and was prohibited from doing many things after giving birth. I could not wash my hair or drink coldwater. And my breast milk was dripping at all times. Both my body and mind were so exhausted. I was unable to sleep.

“At some point, I could not help thinking that I should never have had a baby. I was extremely depressed and had isolated myself. I often cried without reason. This lasted for about a month.

“Luckily, I found a book describing these symptoms and I realised that I was suffering from ‘postpartum depression’. I then talked to my husband and mother who were helping with the baby. They were understanding and took special care of me. When I started to feel tired, I would take a break and listen to songs, watch movies or read a book, while my husband and mother would take care of the baby. Eventually, my depression faded away. I think my family was able to help me handle the depression,” said Suweena Munowvaroc, 29.

 

A Closer Look at Charlotte Perkins Gilman

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Charlotte Perkins Gilman

 

Why write about Charlotte Perkins Gilman at a blog about Postpartum Depression you might ask. She suffered a near nervous breakdown after the birth of her first child, leading her to author The Yellow Wallpaper, an intense short story about a woman’s treatment during a nervous breakdown, a story that one led a Boston Physician to state in The Transcript that “Such a story ought not to be written, he said; it was enough to drive anyone mad to read it.” Possibly so, but a physician from Kansas also wrote that “it was the best description of incipient insanity he had ever seen, and–begging my pardon–had I been there?” (Perkins Gilman)

Sadly, her nervous breakdown led to divorce and leaving her daughter in the custody of her ex-husband. Turning to writing as a way of earning money,  Gilman eventually found herself as a spokesperson regarding “women’s perspectives on work and family.” Perkins Gilman believed that men and women should share household duties and particularly that women should be taught to be economically independent from a very early age (DeGrazia, Jodi), a topic she focused on in her work, Women and Economics, penned in 1898.

The Yellow Wallpaper has been a favorite story of mine since first read, love at first words. I identified with the main character well before experiencing motherhood and my own brush with insanity shortly thereafter. Perkins Gilman did an exquisite job of breathing a realistic insanity into her main character as well as exposing the mental health diagnoses and “cures” of the day for what they truly were – sadly insufficient and ignorant of treating the illness and instead closeting away those who suffered in hopes of recovery or at least not be part of mainstream society and  therefore remain to be a “figment” of one’s imagination, the dark family secret.

In 1887, Perkins Gilman sought treatment for continuous nervous breakdown from the best kThe Yellow Wallpapernown nervous specialist in the country. The rest cure applied and she responded well physically; however, the physician then declared all was well; sending her home with “solemn advice to ‘live as domestic a life as far as possible,’ to ‘have but two hours’ intellectual life a day,’ and ‘never to touch pen, brush, or pencil again’ ” for the remainder of her days. Gilman then writes regarding the effectiveness of this advice, saying “I went home and obeyed those directions for some three months, and came so near the borderline of utter mental ruin that I could see over.” (Perkins Gilman)

Engaging the help of a close friend and gathering what strength she had left, Perkins Gilman picked up her artistic work again and began to recover, finding strength within her work and “ultimately recovering some measure of power.” This experience is what led her to write The Yellow Wallpaper. Perkins Gilman admits to embellishments, stating she “never had hallucinations or objections to my mural decorations”. Written as a celebration of return to her success, her true motivation behind sharing her story, albeit in a fictional world, lay within the hope of saving others from her fate of mistreatment and the nearly paralyzing insanity following soon after.

In Perkin Gilman’s own words regarding her authorship of The Yellow Wallpaper, she states:

It has, to my knowledge, saved one woman from a similar fate–so terrifying her family that they let her out into normal activity and she recovered.

 But the best result is this. Many years later I was told that the great specialist had admitted to friends of his that he had altered his treatment of neurasthenia since reading The Yellow Wallpaper.

 It was not intended to drive people crazy, but to save people from being driven crazy, and it worked.

The number one reason I hear when women have chosen to share their experience with a Postpartum Mood Disorder is the hope that it will provide comfort to another as she travels down the same road. It is with the same spirit Perkins Gilman penned The Yellow Wallpaper that I share my story. Recovery is a hard road and sometimes a lonely road. I said from the very beginning of reaching out to others with a helping hand that if I could help even one woman, it would all be worth it.

The screaming, the agony, the tears, the lifting of the fog – it would all begin to somehow make sense and instead of continuing to drag me down, it would lift me up. The fog did not begin to lift until I reached out for help and found it – drenching myself in the stories of others who had been where I no longer wanted to be and read with new understanding and an intensity I had never known before just how they were able to escape the depths of depression and reach the light, breathing in sweet fresh air again.

Determined to shine a light on the path for those behind me and around me, I dove full force into sharing my story. Every time I shared my experiences with a woman who believed she had no hope left and found herself ashamed of her condition and witnessed what an impact my openness and vulnerability had on her, I knew supporting Mothers was my calling.

So I write about Charlotte Perkins Gilman in order to better explain my mission here at this blog and in life. I refuse to let another woman suffer alone and in silence. Not on my watch.

Sharing the Journey with Karen Kleiman

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Yes, I know this month’s interviews are dedicated to moms of women with PPD but I am just so excited about this interview that I just had to put it up!

If you’ve been following this blog from the beginning (and thank you if you have!), you know that Karen’s book, What am I thinking? Having a Baby after Postpartum Depression was what I grabbed immediately after the positive pregnancy test. It was that very book that led to the inspiration for this blog so in a way, this is coming full circle for me because it was about this time last year that I found out I was pregnant.

Karen runs The Postpartum Stress Center in PA and her website and books are the first places I will send a new mom or family member. She’s got her stuff together and in my opinion has some of the best straightforward advice and information for women and their families! I am so honoured to be sharing this with you and even more honoured that Karen agreed to do the interview. Thanks Karen for all your hard work! Keep it up!

 

What led you to specialize in women’s issues?

To steal a line from my new book, “Ever since I was a young child, I wanted to be a mother.”  I remember playing with dolls and always taking on the role of the perfect mother.  I remember proudly asserting to my own mother, “when I grow up, I’m going to be a mother!”  After studying to be a therapist and then, becoming a mother myself, it felt natural to narrow my professional focus to women and their unique needs.

How did the idea for The Postpartum Stress Center come about and what brought it to fruition?

When my children were born, twenty plus years ago, I went back to work part-time as a social worker and trained to be a lactation consultant so I could connect with new mothers when I wasn’t working.  That experience provided one of my earliest exposures to the emotional upheaval of new motherhood.  Women started telling me how bad they were feeling.  (As you can imagine, if you can talk to a stranger about your nipples, you can talk about anything!)  I wasn’t sure if it was because I was a therapist or because they were so overwhelmed, it didn’t matter who was on the other end of the phone, but either way, I became aware of how many women weren’t feeling good after they had their babies.  Some felt bad about their babies, some felt bad about their marriages, some felt bad about them selves.  The common themes were: lack of support, exhaustion, and chronic worry. 

So when I went into private practice, I started studying postpartum depression to better understand what some of these women might be experiencing.   It didn’t take long for me to realize that most of these women were falling through the cracks of the medical community, remember, this was twenty four years ago.  No one was talking about postpartum depression like they do today.  As my practice developed and I started treating more and more women with depression, it was apparent how insufficient the healthcare system was in response to this great need.  This is when my clinical practice evolved into the next phase which included psycho-education, trainings, in-services, and writing, in order to enhance the community’s understanding and promote optimal treatment options.

As a mother yourself, what has been most challenging? Least challenging?

As much as I hate to admit it… this Empty Nest thing… I don’t love it.  It’s funny, I often think to myself how fortunate I am to have such a loving husband (twenty five years with me cannot be easy!), a fabulous career and all kinds of wonderful things to fill my days.  Still, it’s hard not to have the kids here.  Both are close enough to home, but, it’s not the same.

Least challenging?  Laughing with and about my kids.  You know that feeling that a new mother gets when she hears her baby belly laugh for the first time?  It’s like you want to stop the whole world and tell everyone to listen to this exquisite sound, as if no one had ever heard a baby laugh before!  Nothing in the world feels better than hearing your baby belly laugh.  And when the baby is 15 years old, or 21, or 24?  It feels exactly the same way.  It’s magical.

How has becoming a mother changed you?

Motherhood has inspired all that I do, most of what I say, and much of who I am.

What activity refreshes you the most when you’ve had a rough day?

I love coming home and sitting on the deck with my husband after a day’s work; surrounded by flowers, birds, dogs, good food, and lots of laughs.  It is actually essential to my well-being.  I get very cranky if I don’t laugh.

In your opinion, what aspect of motherhood should be celebrated the most?

I don’t think there is any aspect of motherhood that can be singled out to be celebrated.  I truly think all mothers, as well as fathers, always do the best they can at any given moment.   Women need to stop comparing themselves to others; they need to try to quiet the critical voice inside their own heads and believe in themselves.  Mothers need to learn to celebrate their own accomplishments, big and small, and realize the greatness in all that they do.  If they wait for appreciation from others, they will, undoubtedly, be disappointed and disillusioned.

What led you to write The Postpartum Husband?

After working with the postpartum population for some time, I began to realize that husbands were often kept out of the treatment loop.   As more and more partners were joining our sessions, I became aware of their enormous influence on the recovery process.  Not only did they need information and support, but their presence and their connection to the process made a significant difference in how women recovered.

Your book, What Am I Thinking?: Having a Baby After Postpartum Depression, was what I grabbed when I got my positive pregnancy result for Cameron and it really helped me to put a positive spin on my pregnancy – inspired this blog, actually. What went into the authorship of this book and why would you recommend it to women who are facing either a decision about pregnancy or an unexpected pregnancy after experiencing a Postpartum Mood Disorder?

Well as you know, the decision to get pregnant after experiencing a previous postpartum mood disorder is a difficult one.  In my practice, I have seen that women will feel more confident, more in control and less anxious if they have information.  The information gathered from a previous experience of depression can arm a woman with details that can help her learn a great deal about herself.  It has been shown that preparing for the postpartum period by fortifying her resources can reduce the likelihood of a full-blown depression.

  As with all the books I have written, the women I see in my practice have literally led the way.  They tell me what they need to know, which is how I determine what should be addressed.  Postpartum women have taught me what I know and what I need to teach others.  I’m so glad to hear my book helped support you through your pregnancy and postpartum period!  And it inspired this blog?  What a sweet thing to say.  I think this blog is such a fabulous idea and I’m certain it has offered much support to women going through similar circumstances.

 I hope you don’t mind me plugging my newest book which is due out this September.  “Therapy and the Postpartum Woman: Notes on Healing Postpartum Depression for Clinicians and the Women Who Seek their Help” (Routledge, 2008 ) will be a nice companion book for women with PPD who are either in therapy or considering therapy. 

Any sage advice for families currently experiencing issues with a Postpartum Mood disorder? What steps should they take to help Mom get better?  

Talk to her.  Sit with her.  Stay close to her.  Tolerate her anxiety and ambivalence.  Encourage her to contact her healthcare practitioner.  If she doesn’t, make sure she knows you will do that with her or for her.   Do not assume she is fine if she says she is.  Stay connected to the process.  Do what needs to be done to enable her to sleep, eat, rest and get out for fresh air.  Remind her she is loved and no matter how long this takes, you will be there.  Tell her she will not always feel this way. 

If there was one piece of advice you could give to an expectant mother (new or experienced), what would it be and why would this be important for her to hear? 

An expectant mother is at a turning point in her life.  She knows that no matter how things unfold, her life will never be the same.  This can be experienced with great anticipation or with great anxiety.  Either way, it is best to prepare by being mindful and attentive; to her own needs, to those of her partner and to those of her marriage.
 
For women who may be symptomatic during or after their pregnancy, I am reminded of a wonderful quote by Emory Austin:

“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart.  Sing anyway.”