Monthly Archives: January 2014

The Writer’s Life – A Few Thoughts

Being a writer is hard work, yo.

We pour our hearts and souls into our work, sell our souls to pay the bills, and hope like hell that all our tampering with words means something to someone somewhere. We subject ourselves to criticism every time we hit publish or send to submit something.

Brace Yourselves Criticism is Coming

That criticism is no longer in the form of blood all over papers submitted in high school or college. No, it’s widespread and typed all over the Internet, sometimes in Comic Sans (shudders). Some people limit it to just the piece which set them off. Others hunt you down on Social Media and tear you a new one for promoting a view with which they disagree. Some try to be helpful and email you or message you about errors in your piece (I actually appreciate that provided it’s not accompanied by “and while you’re fixing your mistake, if you’d add my link” because just no.)

As writers, we are mostly responsible for our own promotions. We cannot simply fling things out into the universe and expect people to promote them for us. Sometimes things may click and spread. But most of the time, it will just sit there, dormant, waiting to be discovered. It’s all about what you DO with your writing that makes it relevant.

I am absolutely guilty of flinging things out into the universe and waiting for something to happen. Then I learned that I have to get behind it and push it – like a car that won’t start. You have to MAKE it start and sometimes that means pushing…hard. If there is one thing I wish I was better at, it’s self-promotion. Improving my self-promotion skills is one of my goals for 2014.

My friend, Pauline, wrote a fabulous piece over at her blog, Aspiring Mama, entitled “Two Rules for Literary Fame.” You should go read it. Literary fame, contrary to popular belief, does not just happen overnight. Even the biggies got rejection notices. Here’s a non-exhaustive list of Best-Sellers which were initially rejected.

Guess who’s on that list? Dr. Seuss, Judy Blume, J.D. Salinger, C.S. Lewis, Beatrix Potter, L.M. Montgomery, Margaret Mitchell, L. Frank Baum, Ayn Rand, Jack Kerouac, George Orwell, Herman Melville….and many more. You get my point, right?

In this day and age, self-publication is easier than ever. Write, upload, market, MONEY & FAME. Boom, right? Not really.

You still have to deal with promotion to get to money. In order to get to money, you need to play nice because if you don’t, bad things can happen and the money will never happen. Money doesn’t just waltz right in the door. You have to WORK for it. There is a right way to promote and then there is a terribly wrong way to promote.

First, you are probably cold-emailing people you do not know based on a list, a Google Search, or goodness knows what else if you haven’t taken the time to build up an audience first. All you know about them is based on what they have shared on their blog or their public Social Media Accounts. You try to be friendly and social. Zone in on something which interests them, state an offer, keep your email short. Then, the fun part – waiting for a response. Most of the people you email won’t respond. But the ones that do are the ones you need to connect with because they see some value in what you have to offer.

This is where things can go horribly wrong. They can also go horribly wrong when you write your initial email if you don’t keep it short.

Here are my rules for initial marketing contact based on a recent experience:

1) Keep contact short and simple. The KISS Method. It’s fabulous. Greeting, connection, the goal of your email, what form your book is in and when it releases, a FEW quotes from your book, offer, closing. BAM. Do NOT assume the person you are emailing has all the time in the world to read your email, even if you know them well. SHORT AND SIMPLE. Think Flash Fiction vs. Epic Novel. Always, always go with flash fiction. An elevator pitch format works wonderfully here.

2) If you get a response which asks questions and/or criticizes your initial email because you’ve failed to follow rule #1, suck it up, answer the questions, and work through it to get your book out there. Respond negatively and you will lose that connection.

3) Not responding at all to someone who is an obviously an ass or ignorant is perfectly acceptable. Not responding (or responding negatively) to someone who has asked legitimate questions and offered constructive criticism is a huge no-no and ends up a lot like, well, this blog post being written about you.

Now, am I advocating that you have to put up with assholes on your way to literary fame? Absolutely not. If someone responds and they are clearly a dick, then don’t bother responding at all because well, integrity and all that. But if you get a response and they clearly are offering constructive criticism as well as showing an interest in your book, you best be responding to them in a positive manner. If you cannot handle constructive criticism via email, then you, sir, are no writer.

Not just anyone can be a writer, you know.

Getting your work in front of people takes more work than actually writing the words. You have to have the balls to spill your soul, the chutzpah promote yourself, the guts to take rejection, and the stamina to stand back up after being punched in the gut over to do it all over again the next day.

Think you can handle that?

If so, then welcome to the writer’s world. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.

Coffee? Thesaurus? Nap? Chocolate? YouTube Videos of cats? Wine?

No, you’re good? Alrighty, then.

Go forth. Write. You know, after you’re done staring at the blank screen as if you’ve just seen Perry the Platypus dance like Christopher Walken across your screen. Deadline is in an hour.

GO.

Whatever Wednesday: Thinking Out Loud

Stream of consciousness writing is an interesting form of writing, isn’t it? You’d think it would be completely honest one given that you’re supposed to just vomit on paper for the most part, right? But honesty is in the eye and the heart of the author, not the reader. I get to decide which thoughts to share with you and where you go as you wander the maze in my head. Which means I get to keep certain parts behind heavy locked doors.

Privacy. It matters.

To whom?

To all of us, really.

Even those who say they are completely open. You know there is a door somewhere deep inside which remains locked tightly. We all lock different doors for different people, don’t we? Open doors for people we care about and don’t mind being close to – close doors for people we don’t feel a tight connection with or think have the potential to harm us.

Which is why it hurts so much more when someone who has managed to get through all of your doors turns out to be someone who hurts you. And that, getting hurt by someone you have let in, hurts worst of all.

It’s a lot like what I imagine getting punched in the kidney by Mike Tyson would feel like. All the air exits your lungs as you swirl toward the ground, clutching your side. Stars pepper the back of your eyelids as drool flings itself through the air. Another punch lands on your jaw, causing blood to spatter on the ground around you as darkness swoops in to steal the sparkling stars.

Thing is, you will heal from the inside out. You’ll get better, you’ll get back up, and you will live your life. Even if you are currently hugging the ground, unconscious, barely breathing, and vomiting.

Falling down is never about the fall. Ever. It is always about the art and grace involved in getting back up. Art and grace? What about ferocity? Tenacity? Those too. But art and grace make it look good. Falling is also about discovering who will be there to pick you up.

Get.BACK.UP.

Inhale. Put your hands on the ground, and push, dammit. Fight for every centimeter.

Get up on your knees, then get up on your feet even though your legs are shaking and your lungs are burning. YOU GOT THIS.

GET UP.

Dust yourself off, inhale, and put one foot in front of the other.

Repeat.

One foot. In front of the other. Ignore the sweat, tears, and blood streaming down your face.

GET.UP. Walk. Move.

Stare your opponent in the eye, and let them know they will not, under any circumstances, win. You got this.

If you don’t get up on the first try? Start over again. Hands on the floor, push up, on your knees. Then your feet. One foot in front of the other.

When life knocks you down, you learn to live again. If you’re lucky, you learn to love to live.

Make it count.

 

On Seeing The Lone Survivor

September 11, 2001 changed everything in my generation’s world and for those generations after me. Our parents grew up with Vietnam, Korea, witnessed a Presidential assassination, the blatant murder of several civil rights leaders, lived in fear of the Cold War, and more. Their parents grew up with World War II and some even with World War I. Our generation knew peace. Well, we knew peace as well as one could know peace, comparatively speaking. We knew peace until September 11, 2001 when it chaos flew home to roost in one of our biggest metropolitan areas.

With planes grounded, the backdrop hum they provided to our everyday lives disappeared. People stayed home watching the horror unfold on TV, our hearts ripped open and bleeding before the world, a country brought to her knees in riveting plumes of technicolor.

The silence of the day still haunts me.

That day, there were those among us who felt called to duty. There were those who fought on the front lines in New York, Washington DC, and Pennsylvania as they rescued survivors and recovered the wreckage of our freedom now buried beneath the rubble. But there were more to follow – those who would find themselves in the midst of foreign lands, holding a weapon pointed at men who did not speak our language and preferred our deaths over their own lives.

These people who were called to duty are still over there. Perhaps not physically, but they are still there, echoing across the mountainsides and deserts, their souls entrenched in the hillsides on which they fought. For it is in these foreign lands that many of them finally found their brothers, and for many, it is where they lost their brothers.

The Lone Survivor is a tale of brothers who fought like hell on a mountainside in Afghanistan during a reconnaissance mission gone horribly wrong. It’s a major motion picture now, one I sat in a comfortable theatre today and watched. I saw “Murph, The Protector” last year, a film about Michael Murphy, one of the brothers lost on that mountainside as he called for help for the others knowing he was sacrificing his own for their safety. According to the documentary, that’s just the way Michael Murphy operated. He was the protector.

Luttrell, the lone survivor, made it out alive thanks to a small Afghan village’s code of honor known as Pashtunwali, which requires them to protect the weak and provide asylum to those in need, defending them against their enemies at all cost. Luttrell was confused as to why these Afghans were helping him but when he was rescued, he took the time to thank them (in the movie, at least – I have not read the book).

As I drove home after watching the most intense military movie I have ever seen, I was numb. I finally cried after I arrived home and pulled the car into the garage. Then, I gathered my things, sighed, and got out of the car. I needed funny. Comedy Warriors was on Showtime and for that, I was grateful. Balance.

Two hours and one minute in a movie theatre.

Not even in the same ballpark (or hell, solar system) as what today’s active duty military go through on a daily basis as they continue to flush out the enemy who landed chaos on our soil on September 11, 2001. These brave men and women push their bodies and minds beyond their limits so that we may be free, so that others may be free. They fight so that those who are weaker may live to see another day. For that, I am eternally grateful and they will always have my respect.

Thank you.

#PPDChat Topic 01.13.14: Leaving It All Behind – Embracing Emotional Minimalism

ppdchat-01-13-14

Today’s chat will focus on a concept I introduced in a post last night, emotional minimalism. The idea behind emotional minimalism is not to be completely numb to feelings but rather to process them in a timely, mindful, and healthy manner thereby traveling light with your emotions instead of dragging a ton of unnecessary baggage along with you. 

Go read last night’s post here and get ready for a challenging chat tonight. See you at 830pm ET!

Tossing the Emotional Baggage from Your Train

Many of us stand frozen in our paths because we are afraid of disappointing someone or being called out as a hypocrite when what we do does not back up what we say. Here’s the thing – how people react to you is not your gig. It’s theirs. They choose how to judge you and nothing you do or say will change how their judgement of you. You cannot repack or carry their emotional baggage. The only baggage you are responsible for is yours.

I read a great post today about a minimalistic approach to life. Of course, it focused on the minimalistic approach to material things but what if we took this approach and applied to to our emotional life as well and set free all the baggage from the past and refused to carry it for one second longer?

One of my earliest favourite movies is The Mission with Jeremy Irons and Robert DeNiro. Irons plays a Jesuit Priest in the Amazon. DeNiro is a plantation owner who has some society debts to pay. He appeals to Irons and follows him into the wilderness, carrying a large load of items on his back as they trek through the jungle. Despite falling multiple times as they struggle up a particularly steep hill, DeNiro refuses to cut the load off. Finally, after a fall when DeNiro is almost at the top, Irons cuts the load from DeNiro’s back. DeNiro looks at Irons in disbelief, almost angry that he has taken his penance from him. Then, DeNiro sits down and cries in the jungle, mourning the loss of the load and, it seemed, his gratefulness for having been relieved of by a priest. (Disclaimer – it has been quite some time since I have seen the movie and this is how I remember the basic scene/storyline of this aspect of the movie. Please feel free to correct me if I am wrong)

What if we were able to do that for someone? For ourselves? Lighten the load a little by refusing to carry emotional baggage with us? Imagine if we could truly start each day anew with no baggage whatsoever on our hearts or our minds? A sort of blank slate, if you will.

But wouldn’t you have to be emotionally frigid to do that?

No. What you need to be is mindful of how you allow things to ebb and flow into and out of your life, ensuring a balance of positive and negative – not allowing either to outdo the other. (For I believe that if we do not know sorrow and pain we cannot be truly grateful for the wonderful and amazing).

So how does one achieve this minimalistic state of a baggage free emotional life?

Well, for starters, you could complete the ritual of Kolinahr – I kid, I kid. Being Vulcan is not logical, Captain.

Here are a few steps I have discovered to living a (mostly) baggage free emotional life:

1) Deal with things as they happen – Don’t hold things in. Process events as they occur. Talk about them, write about them, get it out of your system. The longer things sit, the more they fester and you don’t want that creepy Uncle from The Adams Family perched on your back, do you? No. Of course you don’t. So before your problems sprout arms, legs, start wearing a holocaust cloak and go bald, deal with them before you turn into the Hunchback of Notre Dame because Uncle Fester is camped out on your back.

2) Do not let experiences jade you – Just because one situation with one person turned out a particular way one time, do not let that be the standard by which you judge similar situations with different people in the future. People are all different and sometimes, they might surprise you with their reactions. We all know what “assume” breaks down into, right? And we are not asses. Well, not all of us.

3) Listen to what the other party is saying – Don’t sit there hearing them as if they were the teacher on Charlie Brown while you formulate what you want to say to defend yourself. Actually listen to their concerns. When they are done, take a few minutes to respond, beginning your response with a rephrasing of what they said so they know you heard them. Validation goes a long way and repeating what they said helps you better understand what they’re feeling as well because you’re saying it in your voice.

4) Do not have conversations about important situations when you are angry – Trust me on this one. Wait until you have calmed down and then talk. Discussing things when you are both angry never ends well. It is wiser to wait until you have both calmed down and are capable of having a rational discussion. Otherwise, you just end up having a talk that looks like this (I don’t really like the parenting in this video as they delay dealing with the child’s outburst but it is a perfect example of what an angry conversation will accomplish – nothing):

5) Be brave enough to admit when you are wrong. We are not always on the side of right in a discussion, behaviour, or life. We screw up because we are human. (To be human is to err, correct?) It takes a lot of chutzpah to admit you are wrong. Don’t admit you’re wrong if you know you’re not – that’s not cool either. But when you are wrong, admit it, and ask at the same time how you can fix the damage that has been done. Accountability goes a LONG way.

6) When you feel wronged, say something. Staying silent harms everyone, especially you. This is reminiscent of the first step, yes. But I also want to encourage you to phrase things like this, “When X happened, it made me feel like Y. How can we work to improve how we do this so no one has to feel like Y again?” This way, you are not being accusatory and offering to form a partnership to improve how things are managed in the future. (There are certain situations in which it is best, of course, to say something to someone other than the person who wronged you such as cases of abuse, etc, but still – say something to someone who can help you work through it or escape the situation. Do not continue to suffer in silence.)

7) Remember that how people react to you is absolutely not your gig – it is theirs. This is the best piece of advice a therapist ever gave me. Living by it is difficult at first but once you start to do so, you realize that as long as you do your very best to resolve a situation or to share how you feel, how people choose to react to that is their gig. You absolutely positively do not own how anyone chooses to react to you. That’s all them. End of story.

Do I guarantee these steps will lead to a minimalistic emotional lifestyle free of all that baggage you have been lugging around? No.

But it’s a damn good start.

What changes will you make in your life this week to move toward a more minimalistic emotional lifestyle? What do you think would be the most difficult thing for you to let go of emotionally? Share below!