“Do you accept yourself, as you are?” my therapist asked, as she sat across from me, staring at me, awaiting an answer.
My lips tingled, the feeling spread to my nose and upward. I thought long and hard, my lips twitching every so often as I readied an appropriate answer. Alas, the only appropriate answer suprised even me. I shook and stuttered, my throat nearly closing with fear as it escaped my vocal cords and traveled forever before escaping my lips.
“Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know, dammit. Because so much has changed? Because I don’t know who I am anymore?”
“Who are you?”
“I don’t know.”
I don’t know.
It’s a frightening thing to realize you don’t know who you are anymore. To realize you lost yourself somewhere along the way. In your head, you retrace all your steps. All your missteps. Your judgments. Your choices. You wonder where you lost your sense of self. Why you lost your sense of self. Did you sacrifice it for a worthy cause? Did a thief sneak in and steal it? Did you stop caring? What the hell happened to you? When did you give into the vortex and let life sweep away your essence? How do you get it back?
Slowly. Deliberately. Passionately.
Once you’ve realized you’ve lost yourself, there’s room for re-invention. For rediscovering your essence and purpose. Sure, what’s gone needs to be mourned. But the possibilities for what can be are limitless and only bound to confines created by you. There’s no box. No pre-determined fate into which you must mold yourself. There’s only the infinite possibility of what you will become. Freedom awaits you. All you have to do is reach out and grab it, hold on, and enjoy the ride.
The girls tried to make themselves breakfast again this morning. Apparently cheese toast and bacon were on the menu along with Good n Plenty, Belly Flops, and some sort of strawberry candy. I have no idea what they were planning on doing with the Fondue Pot. Frankly I am not sure I want to know.
I just realized today was so hectic I forgot to take my meds but I’m still here and very calm amazingly enough.
This afternoon was wonderful. They cleaned up their room without too much prodding and even earned a snack and a movie. Then as they moved back to their room to play as I cooked dinner, silence. For those of you who have never experienced toddlers, silence is a bad thing. A very bad thing. It means they are up to no good. This time they had the sample of Snuggle that had just come in the mail and were pouring it everywhere. I herded them to the tub, rinsed them off, and put them to bed. Yes, without dinner. I do not cook meals for those who choose to disobey. Bedtime went rather smoothly with Charlotte – Alli was another story altogether. I had to get the Magic Monster Catcher (a handheld vaccuum) and catch all the Monsters in their room, assure her the very dead bug on the window was OUTSIDE and would not be coming in to get her anytime soon, and let her crawl into bed with Charlotte so she wouldn’t be all alone. Oh the things Parents do to get their kids to go to sleep.
As I sit here typing, the comforting roar of traffic echoes in the background while the fans here in the house whine and sway as they keep me cool. No sounds from the back bedroom (ok, so silence is GOOD when they’re SUPPOSED to be quiet) and no sounds from Cameron’s room. Chris is at a step meeting and I am relaxing by venting here and contemplating lying down and catching a few ZZzzzZZZZ’s before Chris gets home so I’ll be able to enjoy his company when he gets here. I may just fix myself a cup of tea and sit here instead.
Thanks for listening and sharing my journey. Please don’t forget to take care of yourselves no matter how hectic the day gets. You ARE ALWAYS worth it.
I can honestly say that when I started this blog a year ago, I was merely trying to reframe my unexpected pregnancy. I had NO idea what it would become or where it would take me. And here we are, a year later, our son is nearly 5 months old, and nearly 10,000 people have visited my blog since inception. Wow. I hope that I’ve managed to change some lives through sharing my story. If it’s even just one life, it’s all been worth it. I know keeping this blog has been quite a journey for me, one that I have thoroughly enjoyed. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings!
Always take care of yourselves!
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