“I wish my husband understood that I’m not just trying to get out of Motherhood.”
“How can I admit to struggling when he seems so happy? I’d hate to rain on his parade.”
“He doesn’t believe in mental illness. Neither does his family. So I fake it.”
“I can’t take medication. He won’t let me.”
“My wife won’t admit she is struggling. What can I do?”
“Everything I do is wrong. I’m scared I’ll lose my wife and my child.”
“She’s awesome with the baby. Me? I suck. I’m failing at fatherhood.”
“I’m the Dad. I have to be the rock. I can’t be depressed.”
“I drink/do drugs to hide/numb just how bad I’m feeling from her.”
Every single one of these statements are real things parents who have reached out to me have expressed. These statements are extremely telling. What do they tell, you ask? They tell just how much communication has broken down within the relationship. The breakdown may have occurred before baby. Or it may be a new thing. Until now, everything within their relationship may have been picture perfect. They were the perfect couple. Never had to work hard at their relationship. They may have been “THAT” couple. But now that everything is dashed to hell, smashed to pieces by an innocent new life, their relationship struggles to stay afloat. Everything they thought they knew about each other is also up in the air. They wait with bated breath for it all to crash back down, hopefully back into the right place.
We did just that six years ago.
Things are still falling back into place.
We met at work. Yes, we were like Pam & Jim. We met the weekend after Thanksgiving in 2000 after our Supervisors relocated us to adjoining cubicles. Our first date? A flirtatious invite to a non-existent steak dinner as I bragged to him about my evening. I dashed like a mad woman to the grocery store to turn this imaginary meal into a reality. We’ve been inseparable ever since. In 2002, we got married.
In 2003, we got pregnant.
In 2004, we officially became parents and I went off the deep end.
Suddenly he couldn’t do anything right. I knew everything, he knew nothing. I snapped at him because, well, I could. He got frustrated. We stopped talking. If he did talk or get upset about something, it was automatically my fault. My self-esteem took a nose-dive. I did not think I was verbally abusive, irritable, angry, or crazy. Turns out I was. This continued well into my second pregnancy.
Then our second daughter was born. She spent time in the NICU. I was hospitalized 56 days postpartum after a near-psychotic break. Think we weren’t communicating before? Now we really weren’t on the same page. He had been medicating with marijuana along with the same anti-depressant I ended up on after my hospitalization. We yelled. We screamed, we fought, I cried, I begged him to tell me he wasn’t okay about all of this – that he was hurting too. He lied and said he was fine because that’s what he thought he was supposed to do – he was the man. The rock. He was supposed to be okay.
Turns out he wasn’t okay after all.
After the birth of our third child, I was involved in a car accident at just 3 months postpartum. I went to jail. Why? Because my husband had been spending money on marijuana instead of on important things like vehicle registration and car insurance. Again, failure to communicate.
He’ll be 3 years into recovery this coming March. So will I. Wait – did you say – I did. I’m no longer a co-dependent. I’m no longer enabling his habit. Believe me, you didn’t want to be in this house the day after my accident. It was not pretty.
Our fallout from PMAD’s and Paternal Postnatal Depression took nearly four years to explode. It’s taken close to seven years to claw our way back to where we are now – a place very closely resembling normal and healthy. Even here though we have our issues. I suspect we always will. To assume perfection is to ignore the flaws in front of you. Flaws are not always a bad thing. Sometimes they are just what we need to learn and move forward.
We have mistakes in our past. We have learned from them. Moved on. Trusting in God and His enduring support as we grow to trust in Him for everything. Our journey has been full of hell. But it’s also been obviously filled with grace and tenacity. On our part and on God’s part.
There are times within the past almost seven years at which I could have walked away and no one would have faulted me. I chose to stay and fight. Certainly not the easiest path but definitely the right path – especially as I sit here in the glow of a Christmas tree, a fireplace, and my husband beside me.
For us, our brush with Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorders ripped the band-aids off situations we may not have otherwise faced head-on. We were thrust headlong into trauma, grief, mental illness, and forced to decide how to move forward. I am thankful we clung to each other and made the decision to move forward together. I know many other couples who are not as fortunate for whatever reason. Each situation, each person, each Perinatal Mood & Anxiety Disorder is different. Therefore, the results will be assuredly different as well.
What challenges have you faced as part of your PMAD? Has your husband axed certain avenues of treatment? Has that affected your recovery? Your marriage? Did your PMAD ultimately lead to divorce? Or is your marriage stronger as a result of coming through the fiery storm that is a PMAD?
Let’s get to just talking about Husbands, Wives, and Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders. Oh My.
Today, we have a stronger bond. It wasn’t always that way though. I remember him giving up at one point and saying “You are just a lump and useless. You don’t do anything anymore. Go back to bed and stay there.” That was before I sought treatment. It was then I realized my family was crumbling before my eyes. This is the toughest thing I have been through. I know he didn’t really mean those words, but they did hurt so bad at the time. I am still not over my PPOCD but he now has a different attitude and fully supports me.
My husband and I have a very similar story.. do you have a full story of your ppd/a? you say you almost had a psychotic break–what happened? I would love to read your story. Janna
I do have the full story of my near psychotic break. It starts here: http://mypostpartumvoice.com/2010/05/31/graham-crackers-and-peanut-butter-part/
If you are still fragile, I would suggest not reading it in it’s entirety unless you have a therapist or someone with whom you can discuss anything that may trigger you. It gets very detailed.
Glad you’re here and look forward to getting to know you!
Wonderful post; thanks for putting yourself out there to engage this discussion!