I have a special place in my heart for women who struggle with Intrusive Thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I have a place in my heart for all women who struggle with Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders, but Intrusive Thoughts plagued me during both of my episodes. They are insidious tenacious monsters hell-bent on tearing your mind and soul apart.
When I come across a post mentioning Intrusive Thoughts, I read it with a heavy heart. I know how she felt when those thoughts attacked her. The burning fear, the anxiety, the repulsion of “Oh my GOD why am I thinking like this?!?!” which catapults itself through her brain as the monster takes hold in her mind.
This particular blogger, Jen, a proud member of #ppdchat, writes a heart-rendering (and potentially triggering) post about her journey with Intrusive Thoughts. She’s revisiting this time in her life as a result of a tragic event in her area this past weekend. It’s difficult, as women who have been through this, not to flash back when something terrible happens in a family near us – or even harder yet, a family we know personally. We internalize our thoughts, our fears, and everything comes flooding back, threatening to pull us under.
My absolute favourite part of this past is this paragraph:
I knew that these intrusive thoughts were not real and that they were not rational. I could not stop them from replaying over and over in my head. It took me months of therapy to realize that I had suffered from these thoughts. In order to protect myself, I stuffed those thoughts way down deep. I could not bear to bring them to the light of the day because they were just too horrible to contemplate.
Jen deals with these emotions in a powerful post which you absolutely should read. As stated earlier, however, it may be possibly triggering if you’re still struggling and on fragile ground. So read her post, “Horror Show in My Mind: Intrusive Thoughts,” with a mindful consciousness and an open heart. Then show her some love, will you? She needs it this week.
Ah my dear Jen, thank you for sharing this part of your experience. I too suffered for terrible, horrible, sickening thoughts . . . I hated myself for them. The struggle between what my mind kept telling me to do and what my heart fought against was vicious and left me feeling completely ravaged. There is comfort in knowing that one is not alone in the battle against these thoughts.
Big huge squishy virtual hugs to you my dear!
Jenn, thank you so much for commenting and sending me squishy hugs. I felt not only mentally and emotionally exhausted, but I was physically exhausted. It is so difficult to try and fight your mind. It is wonderful to know as Mommy Wants Vodka says, “We are none of us alone.”
Lauren, so honored to have been chosen. I cannot thank you enough for all the support you gave to me.